Thursday, December 31, 2009

so long to you 2009....

You've changed my life in so many ways.

2009 truly was the turning point in my life.

Here's to a hopefully better 2010 for everyone.

God Bless and Happy New Year

Monday, December 28, 2009

28-30 Weeks

I just realized that I missed three weeks! I've been pretty busy with the holidays but I finally found some time to write. Baby Joey is doing great. He's so active! Still somersaulting in my belly it feels like. As we get closer and closer to his arrival, I can't help to get more anxious. I want him here now! But of course I can wait. His daddy and I are so amazed by him already that I can't imagine what it will be like when we meet him. Counting down the days! We've been going to the doc more often now. We went in for another ultrasound and were able to see Joey move his lips and saw him breathing! It makes my heart literally melt when I see that. I also had to go in to do the glucose screening which I failed so I had to do the 3 hour glucose tolerance test on Saturday. God was is torture. I felt so sick after that. I was just glad that Joe was able to go with me. He's such a great hubby. He truly is my better half.

We tried to go see Mila but the weather here hasn't been the greatest. It sucks because I haven't been able to go. I miss going there and just escape. But sadly I don't think I'll be able to go until after I deliver. I wouldn't want to get sick or anything or even risk the chance of falling on some ice. I know she's with us where ever we go and I know that she knows that we love her even if we can't go to the cemetary. I miss my babygirl. I just keep reminding myself that I will be able to see her again one day and I know in my heart that she is safe and happy. I know she is. =)


According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

WEEK 28:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 10 inches and the total length of your growing baby is around 15.75 inches. Your baby weighs about 2.4 pounds at this point. Your uterus is a little more than 3 inches above your bellybutton. Your weight gain at this time should be between 17 and 24 pounds. Your baby's brain continues to develop and is now forming the folds and grooves of a fully developed brain. The amount of tissues within the brain also continues to increase in large amounts. The hair that covers your baby's scalp is also getting longer. Your baby is now large enough for presentation to be determined and your doctor might be able to find out if your baby is at risk for being breech. If your baby is breech, don't panic. There is still time for the baby to rotate.

WEEK 29:

At this point in your pregnancy, your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 10.4 inches and the total length of your baby is around 16.7 inches. Your baby weighs about 2.7 pounds and continues to grow every day. If you measure from your bellybutton, your uterus is 3.5 to 4 inches above it. Total weight gain at this point is usually between 19 and 25 pounds. Babies that are born prematurely can be very tiny. Even a baby that is only a few weeks early can be very small. Your baby will grow rapidly from now until week 36, and then at a slower rate thereafter. Generally, boys weigh more than girls at birth. The average baby's birth weight at full term is 7 to 7.5 pounds. Your baby will continue to open and close his eyes in the womb and may be able to see silhouettes of objects or even people in the right amount of light. Your baby should be moving many times throughout the day. Some of your baby's movements will be predictable and if you notice a decrease in fetal movements, you should lie down and do a fetal kick count. You should feel your baby move approximately ten times in an hour. If you do not notice the proper amount of movements, you should contact your healthcare provider. Research has shown that your baby is not only able to hear, but also able to recognize your own voice. This shows that your baby can already learn, remember and recognize.

WEEK 30:

You may feel as if you have been pregnant forever at this point. It might be hard to imagine being pregnant for another ten weeks, but your baby still has a lot of growing and developing to do! By this time, your baby's crown-to-rump length is a little over 10.8 inches and the total length of your baby is about 17 inches! Your baby weighs about 3 pounds now. Your uterus can be felt about 4 inches above your bellybutton. Your uterus, baby, placenta and the amount of fluid will get larger over the next ten weeks. You should be gaining about a pound a week at this time. Even though your baby is cushioned by the amniotic fluid, she can feel and respond to pain. Your baby now does `practice breathing` to get ready for life outside of your womb. If you have an ultrasound at this time, you will be able to see this. If your baby swallows amniotic fluid down the wrong passage, she will still get hiccups that are noticeable by you. If your baby were born at this time, she would be able to keep herself warm. The skin begins to smoothen as fat deposits accumulate underneath. The fat insulates and is an energy source.

Monday, December 7, 2009

27 Weeks....

Last week of the second trimester! woooo! For the most part everything went ok for week 27. I started getting braxton hicks contractions every half hour for like 3 hours but that was only one day so that's ok. I had an ultrasound on Friday and it went great! Baby Joey now weighs about 2lbs 11 oz. We saw him breathing and he got an 8 out of 8. Good job hunny! I just love seeing him on the screen. We took my mom this time since she's never seen an ultrasound before so she loved it. He's again still jumping up and down on my bladder. It sucks but it does ease my nerves a bit. I just keep thinking 8 more weeks! 8 more weeks and this little guy who has been kicking me for so long inside of me can be kicking me on the outside. We're so excited. Cant' wait for everyone to meet him.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

You are now in the third trimester, and last, of your pregnancy! Your baby's crown-to-rump length is about 9.6 inches and your baby's total length is approximately 15.3 inches! Your baby now weighs about 2 pounds 3 ounces and is going to grow rapidly during this last trimester! Your uterus is about 2.8 inches above your bellybutton. If your baby were born now, it would have an 85% chance of surviving. Even though your baby is still not fully developed, she would be well within the limits of premature viability. You still have approximately 13 weeks left of your pregnancy, and during this time your baby must continue to grow and develop. If your baby was born at this time, she would have several complications that would require special attention. Because babies do not have adequate amounts of fat at this time, your baby would have to be kept inside of an incubator for warmth. Because the air sacs in your baby's lungs do not yet have surfactant, she would require an artificial respirator. Your baby's brain, liver and immune system still need to develop more also. Your baby can develop hiccups.

[The 27 Week shot taken 11.28.09]




Sunday, November 29, 2009

26 Weeks....

A little late on posting but it was a holiday week so I took advantage of it. I was a lazy bum most of this week. On Tuesday I had a doc appointment and I was able to see Dr. G. I love him. He is such a nice man. I've gained about 10 pounds total so he was satisfied with that. Well everything with Joey is going right on schedule. I was able to feel his head with my hands. It felt like a lemon. I received the H1N1 shot finally and I'm sooooo happy I didn't get sick from it like I did with the Flu shot. Dr. G and I discussed a little bit about what will go on for the next couple of weeks. I have an ultrasound on Friday and my doc appointments will be every two weeks from now on which means my next one is next Tuesday. Once I hit 32 weeks I will be going in everyweek. Then we'll discuss when I will be induced. So this little guy is coming alot sooner than we thought. When I told Joe the news it really hit me. I started to cry. It just felt that much more real. Can't wait.

In other baby Joey news, I felt him hiccup this week. It was so cute. He also made my belly wave like there was no tomorrow. Joe started talking to him and giving him kisses and he just went crazy in there. It just melts my heart.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

By this week, your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 9.2 inches. Remember, that is only from the top of his head to his bottom and does not include his leg measurements! Your baby weighs almost 2 pounds and is beginning to put on weight. Your uterus is about 2.5 inches above your bellybutton and you will continue to grow approximately 1 cm each week. If you have been eating a well-balanced diet, you probably have gained about 16-22 pounds so far. Because your baby has moved further up, you may get occasional pain underneath your ribs. After a month of having his eyelids sealed shut, your baby begins to open his eyes again this week. Your baby's eyes are almost completely developed. Your baby's eyes are blue in the womb and may change colors later in life. This is true for all races because the pupils do not have their final color until a few months after birth. However, some babies are born with darker or lighter shades of blue. Your growing baby will continue to put on layers of fat until he is born. He is still lean at this point of the pregnancy though. By the time your baby is born, he will assume the typical newborn's plumpness. Your baby's skin will still be wrinkled and red, but the fat continues to fill the skin out. Finger and toe nails continue to grow. Blood vessels start to develop in the lungs to prepare the baby for life outside the uterus. Your baby's blood circulation is completely functional. The umbilical cord system continues to grow and thicken as blood travels with considerable force through the body to nurture the baby. The placenta is now almost equal in size to the baby. Even though it is still way too soon for your baby to be born yet, the chance of survival without severe abnormalities is now 70% provided it is born in a hospital.

[The 26 Week shot taken 11.21.09]

Monday, November 23, 2009

realizations....

I've come to realize that there are people that will never know what to do or say to a grieving mother. I just sit back and smile as best I could to go through with it. No matter how insensitive they are. It's not their fault they don't know the pain it is to lose a child. I am very happy for them that they don't know what it feels like and I pray that they never find out.

I've come to realize some people will never think of Mila as a real person. That however, I will not tolerate. She was as real as you and me. She was my first child, my first daughter.

And once again, I am a mother of TWO.

I've come to realize that some think I wasn't careful in my pregnancy with Mila and that what happened was somehow my fault. I did everything perfectly right with Mila. I had a wonderful pregnancy. I was very lucky for that. However, I was ignored when I was having symptoms to what led to everything that happened. To those people who ignored me.... FUCK YOU!

I've come realize over and over again that family is the most important thing in my life. My family are those that are closest to me. Being the same blood doesn't consider you my family. My real family are those who know my pain, who were there for me and Joe through our darkest hour and who will always be there for us as we will always be there for them. I have true love and am greatful for every single one of them.

I've come to realize that my little family although not complete here on this earth, will always be complete in my heart. And for that I am thankful.

I've come to realize....

"when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

Friday, November 20, 2009

25 Weeks....

What a week. It was a great week. It started off with baby Joey's first concert. We went to the Metro to watch a friend play and oh boy was this baby moving everywhere. I'm pretty sure he bruised my insides. It was awesome though. I missed going to live shows. My love took my out on a date the next day which was perfect until we got home. I started having this horrible pain by my shoulder blade. I think I was laying on it weird. The pain continued on to the next morning. Every time I inhaled deeply, I felt sharp pain then all of a sudden in went away. Well now it's back. I think I slept wrong again. It's hard getting comfortable at night now. Also hard not to wake up in the middle of the night with the strong movements this lil babe makes. I love it though. It helps to calm my nerves.

I also went out to dinner with one of my best friends who I hadn't seen in months. It was great. We talked for hours. What I liked most was that we talked about Mila. I love when she gets acknowledged. I can't believe it's been almost 10 months. Wow. I miss her. This year has been a blur without her. I know she's smiling down on us though. I know and feel that she's in safe hands. I love you baby girl!



Well 99 Days left! My count down now begins. With the holidays coming up, I'm hoping it will fly by. Can't wait to meet the lil man inside of me that keeps beating me up. =)




Your baby's crown-to-rump length is about 8.8 inches. Weight has increased to around 1.5 pounds and fat is still being deposited at a high rate. Babies come in all shapes and sizes, so your baby could vary slightly from these `average` measurements. Your uterus has grown quite a bit bigger this week. The top of your uterus is between your bellybutton and your sternum. Your uterus is about the size of a soccer ball now! If your baby is delivered at this time, it would have a good chance of surviving. It is best for your baby to remain inside of you for the remainder of the pregnancy, but great advances have been made in the care of a premature baby. Ventilators, monitors and medications all help premature babies develop and grow outside of the womb. If your baby were born this early, he would probably have to spend several months in the hospital and would be more susceptible to infections and other complications. You can hear your baby's heartbeat with both a Doppler and a stethoscope at this time, and your partner may even be able to hear the heartbeat unaided if he puts his ear in the right position. Sex differentiation is being completed now. If you are expecting a baby boy, the testes start to descend into the scrotum. In baby girls, the vagina is hollowing out. Your baby is able to do more with their fingers now and can move his fingers to make a complete fist. As your baby becomes more dexterous, he will be able to touch and hold his feet. Babies also begin to prefer their left hand or right hand at this time. Because babies settle into routines of sleep and activity, you might begin to notice these patterns as well. Some women experience the most fetal movements while they are trying to rest.


~Tomorrow we start week 26


[The 25 Week shot taken 11.14.09]


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

blessed....

I like so many others have had to deal with an enormous amount of pain in our lives, with an emptiness in our hearts that will never be quite filled. However, I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. My Mila wasn't brought into our lives to cause us pain. I believe she was given to us to teach us about love. She was brought into our lives to teach us some lessons that maybe we haven't quite understood yet but we will when we are ready. And for that I am greatful.

I'm feeling truly blessed for everything I have in my life. God is great. I'm blessed to have the family and friends that I have, I'm blessed for my beautiful children God has gifted me with, and I'm extra blessed to have found my soul mate. The one person who has made me what I am today. He's amazing. I've found a special happiness with him that I never thought was possible. It's a bit cliche but he completes me.

Never take for granted what you have.

I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Never settle for less. Be with the one you love who shows you that same love back. What's meant to be will be. If you haven't found that yet, don't stress. God has a plan for you. You'll find your partner to walk in this life with.

Everything happens for a reason. Life gives you lessons. Those lessons lead the path to your survival. To your happiness which is what the majority of people thrive for. Fight for your happiness. Don't get buried alive.

"Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this:
It's living
You'll get along
The pain that you feel
You only can heal
By living
You have to go on living"

Friday, November 13, 2009

24 Weeks....

The belly has officially become a magnet. Not in the annoying way yet but maybe it's because it's been people who I really know and not just some random strangers. I'm sleeping less and less these days. I wake up way too easily with lil Joey's kicks. He's doing so good. At the ultrasound last Friday he's was moving everywhere. He weighs 1lb. 10oz! A little above average. That's my boy! It's so amazing how big he's gotten. Our ultrasound tech was awesome. Sweet lady. She always gives us a ton a pics. She even checked for the money shot again and yup still a penis. Joe and I just stared at the screen in awe. He was breached this time but they said that was normal so not worried about it. That would explain the jumping on my bladder that I've been feeling. Can not wait to meet him! Well yes I can wait but hopefully the next 15 weeks or so fly by. Oh and I've also started walking this week. I've been walking 1 mile everyday and feel great. I have Tina to thank for that. =)

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

This week your baby's crown-to-rump length is around 8.4 inches and your baby will weigh approximately 1.2 pounds. Although it weighs a little over a pound at this point, your growing baby is still tiny. Your uterus can easily be felt 1.5 to 2 inches above your bellybutton. The fetus does not appear to have much room in the uterus anymore, but as your pregnancy progresses, space gets much tighter! Your baby's face is basically complete now. The fetus's eyes are close together on the front of his face and they are still shut. Your baby's ears have moved into their final position on the sides of his head. Where they are now is where they will be when your baby is born! Hair will continue to grow on his scalp and his eyelashes are well developed. Most of your baby's features look the same as they will at birth. Because your growing baby is getting plumper, he no longer has room in your tummy to do cartwheels and somersaults. the unborn child is covered with a fine, downy hair called lanugo. Its tender skin is protected by a waxy substance called vernix. Some of this substance may still be on the child's skin at birth at which time it will be quickly absorbed. The child practices breathing by inhaling (up to a liter/day) amniotic fluid into developing lungs.

Monday, November 9, 2009

rina = author?....

I should really consider writing a book on things not to say or do to a baby lost mama. I mean really? The blind ignorance in some. Parading your child who was born the same time My Mila was born and saying are you sure you're ready for this or I bet you can't wait for this. Really? Actually that should be me. Trade places with me and see how that would feel. I know it's not done purposely to hurt me but come on! And for the douche that keeps on being a bigger douche, this is my second child! I feel I'm going to blow up at the next person who ignores Mila's existence.

Other than that I have been more of a positive person. Or at least trying to. This weekend was testing me a bit. Still trying to accept people for who they are knowing that they aren't going to change and to just get used to the fact. They have to be in my life no matter what so I pretty much have to. It takes alot of technique to just sit there and take some of their comments. I actually got quite embarassed at what someone made a big deal of in front of a whole room of people by twisting my words around. I haven't been embarassed in a long time but that sure got to me. Some people.... I hate the fact that people with a low self esteem have to make others feel lower than them to feel better about themselves. What ever makes their life better I guess. Again, I promise to be more accepting and not let it get to me. It's hard though. I know I'm in no way perfect, but I would never make some one feel stupid in front of others.

I have been in a better place for the most part and I can thank my beautiful fiance for that. I love him so much and he truly makes life that much better. He's my rock. He's my everything.

Friday, November 6, 2009

23 Weeks....

Ultrasound today! Yay I'm excited to see Joey up on the screen. I pray he is doing well. It sure seems like it with all the moving he does around in there. I've been feeling a lot better. And I feel like I'm getting a lot bigger. It's exciting. Being pregnant has it's ups and downs but secretly I Love it. I love being able to bond with little Joey in my womb. Can't wait to meet him. I can't wait to hold him. Seems like an eternity away but we'll get there. Trying to stay positive. Wow 16 more weeks to go. AAahhhhh

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

This week your baby's length, from crown-to-rump, is approximately 8 inches! Your growing baby has finally reached one pound. Your baby is about the size of a small baby doll and looks very human. The baby's face and body look similar to that of a newborn at this time. Your uterus can be found about 1.5 inches above your navel. Your total weight gain should be approximately 15 pounds at this time. You might notice some Braxton-Hicks contractions around this time. These contractions are not regular and they should not be painful. Braxton-Hicks contractions prepare your body for the upcoming labor and they will get stronger as your pregnancy progresses. You might be able to feel the contractions if you put your hand on your abdomen and your baby can probably feel the uterus gripping and massaging her. It will not harm your baby, so there is no need for concern. Fat is still being deposited at a rapid rate, but your baby still looks red and wrinkled. Skin is being produced at a higher rate than the fat is, so the skin hangs loosely. Your baby looks red because the skin is losing its transparency and pigment is beginning to form. You should be feeling your baby moving quite a bit throughout the day as she will kick and punch the uterus walls. Babies also run their hands along the umbilical cord and touch their body parts while they are in the womb. Your baby now can suck her thumb for real, where she was just sticking it in her mouth. Your baby will continue to swallow amniotic fluid and recycle it as urine. The liquids and sugars that the baby retracts from the fluid is a supplement to the nutrients that the placenta delivers. You might be able to feel small `jumps` inside of you when your baby gets the hiccups from swallowing fluid. The pancreas is developing and it will responsible for insulin production, to help break down sugars. Oily fish in your diet could help boost your baby's health. (Women who eat oily fish while pregnant have children with better visual development, a major study at Bristol University suggests.) As the baby continues to grow, it has less space to move around in the uterus. Bones, muscles and organs are growing steadily.


~Tomorrow we start week 24

Friday, October 30, 2009

22 Weeks....

What a week. It started off ok. Tuesday I went to the doc's office. I stopped at the cemetery right before my appointment to change Mila's flowers and noticed all of her decorations were gone. I forgot the cemetery does a cleaning in October. It's ok though. I'll buy her more when I go next time. It just felt so good to be there with her with all of the fresh air. I love my time there with her as strange as that may sound. I said my see ya later and off I went to the hospital. The appointment went pretty good for the most part. A nurse came in and gave me a flu shot. They had just received a new batch of them so I was lucky they told me. I guess a lot of pregnant women there were coming down with the flu so it's a good thing I got the shot. The H1N1 shot wasn't available. They should be getting more next week so I'll try then when I go in for my ultrasound. I was highly against getting it at first but I quickly changed my mind. Well actually Joe changed my mind and I'm glad he did. Anything that I can do to keep my baby safe is what I will do. I don't want to take my chances. Too many people around me have been getting the swine flu and that's something that I do not want. So hopefully I'll get it next week.

My doctor was on vacation so her partner came in to see me. She was annoying. The way she was asking about Mila was just weird to me. She was missing a sensitivity chip. Whatever. I'm just glad she's not my doctor. Lil Joey's heart beat was 140. It sounds perfect. She found it right away. My next appointment is in 4 weeks. That's where we'll decide how we're going to monitor the rest of my pregnancy. It most likely means more visits and blood work taken to monitor my bile acid levels. I pray that they stay as normal as possible for as long as possible.

When I got home I started feeling a little sick and sure enough BAM! I was sick. I missed work two days. I didn't want to get the other pregnant mommy sick =) Ugh but I felt so horrible. That damn flu shot! It's ok though. I'm over it. I'm back to my routine. I stayed in bed for those two days and my God this baby moves so much more than I thought. He was non stop moving! But that's what I like to feel. A wonderful active baby!

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 7.6 inches and your growing baby weighs about 12.25 ounces now! Your uterus is about 2 cm above your bellybutton. Your baby's body continues to grow and develop every day. The organ systems in your baby's body are becoming specialized for their particular functions. The fetal liver produces different enzymes than it will produce after delivery. The liver is responsible for breaking down billirubin, which is produced by the breaking down of blood cells. Because the life span of a fetal red blood cell is shorter than that of an adult, a fetus produces more billirubin than adults do. Billirubin passes from fetal blood to the placenta and then into your blood. Your liver helps get rid of fetal billirubin. A newborn baby that has high levels of billirubin may show signs of jaundice. Jaundiced babies have a yellowish tint to their eyes and skin and are often treated with phototherapy. Your baby's senses are developing daily. The fetus now has a full complement of neurons in the brain and is learning about her body and surroundings through touch. Touch is one of the first senses to mature and your baby may stroke its face or feel her arms and legs. Your blood volume has increased more to meet the demands of your pregnancy. Most of the increase is in the form of plasma, the liquid part of your blood. This has the ability to dilute your blood and give you physiological anemia, which occurs during pregnancy. The measure of blood dilution is called Hematocrit and the levels reach their lowest points this week. You should check with your doctor to make sure you are not developing more serious forms of anemia. Your baby now shows an extremely rapid brain growth (which lasts until five years after birth).

~Tomorrow we start week 23

Happy Halloween!!!!

Friday, October 23, 2009

21 Weeks....


I had no leg cramps this week so that was great. The baby's been moving everywhere and now Joe and I can see my belly move when Joey kicks. Joe's voice gets the baby so excited. Whenever I first see Joe after work and he talks to my belly, Joey goes crazy! It's like he knows that's his daddy. Mila would always do the same thing too. I love it. I love that they can have a bond with him like that even while in the womb.

It started off as a pretty shitty week. My emotions were everywhere, but every day that I would wake up, I started over. Everyday to me is a fresh new start. By the end of the week, I'm feeling so much better. I try just to stay at peace with myself. I try to have appreciation for every thing that I get. I try to be a more loving person. I am/was a grudge holder. I'm changing that. I've learned that there's nothing so horrible someone has done to me to make me hate them. So yes, I don't hate anyone. If you think you are hated by me, you're not. On the contrary, I have love for those who have taught me valuable lessons in this life. I thank those who've helped mold me to the person I am today. Anyone up for a fresh new start? I am. So I will be here, at peace in that aspect of my life. Now if you hate me, that's a whole other story. Just know I apologize for whatever nonsense I have caused.

All you need is love....
It took having my little family to realize that and it has made me a happier person.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's blood circulation is completely functional. The umbilical cord system continues to grow and thicken as blood travels with considerable force through the body to nurture the baby. The placenta is now almost equal in size to the baby. Your baby will be getting much larger during the second half of your pregnancy. Your baby's crown-to-rump length at this time is 7.2 inches and she weighs approximately 10.5 ounces. Your growing baby is about the size of a large banana. You should be able to feel your uterus about a half of an inch above your navel. Your weight gain so far will be around 10 to 15 pounds. Your baby's different organs and systems are maturing. The fetal digestive system is functioning in a simple way and your baby can swallow amniotic fluid. After your baby swallows the amniotic fluid, she is able to absorb water and sugars from the fluid and then the waste is passed as far as the large bowel. Your baby swallows the amniotic fluid in order to prepare itself for life outside of the womb. Some babies consume as much as 17 ounces of amniotic fluid in a 24-hour period. Your baby already has a high number of red blood cells and the white blood cells are beginning to be produced. Taste buds are being formed on your baby's tongue this week also.

~Tomorrow we start week 22

Friday, October 16, 2009

20 Weeks....

THE HALFWAY MARK! My love took me out to dinner for a mini celebration. I started the week with a new attitude. A more positive one. And it's made me a happier person. Exactly what I want my lil man to feel. At the same time, I've cried more in this week than in previous weeks. They were much needed tears. No sobbing, just tears. It's a step up. My lil girl dried them away. It makes me feel better. I miss her so much, but I know she is with me always. It's comforting to know that. I've been reading a lot more about Cholestasis. If I'm going to get it again, I want to be as prepared as I could be. I started reading blogs from woman who've had it. I'm tired of reading all of the medical websites about it. I think I've read every single one out there. I believe that reading about actual woman who have gone through it can be very helpful. It gives me a sense of hope.

Well Joey has been kicking me harder and harder each day. I love it. However it does freak me out how hard they are going to get once he gets bigger. He's about the size of a banana right now. It makes me giggle when I read weekly updates about pregnancy and they compare your child to fruits. I've been forever having to go to the bathroom too! It's nonstop. I honestly think he is jumping up and down on my poor bladder. And last but not least, those dreaded leg cramps have begun! Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!! I thought I was going to be on the clear this time around since I hadn't experienced them, but oh boy was i wrong. I've woken up almost every night this week with the most intense pain in my calf. At least I know now how to get rid of them. I just get up and start walking. It usually goes right away. So much for wishful thinking, hehehe.



This week marks the half way point of your pregnancy. It has been 18 weeks since the date of conception and your baby's crown-to-rump length is 5.6 to 6.4 inches. The fetus weighs about 9 ounces and your belly definitely has an obvious bulge. Your waistline has expanded and is no longer visible. Your uterus has now moved up enough that it is pushing your abdomen outwards. The top of your uterus is even with or just below your navel. Your baby's skin begins to thicken this week and will develop four layers. Your baby's sebaceous glands secrete a waxy substance called vernix caseosa. Your baby will be born with this wax and it will look like paste. The vernix caseosa is crucial because it protects the fetus' fragile skin from the continuous immersion in amniotic fluid. Lanugo hairs secure the vernix caseosa in place and it is thick around the eyebrows. Scalp hair and toenails are beginning to form at this point. Hair can also be seen on the upper lip and eyebrows.


~Tomorrow we start week 21

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day ~ October 15th....


and on this day I light a candle for you my little angel. I hope you can see it from where you are. I love you and miss you each and every day. You are my sunshine babygirl. You will always be.

Friday, October 9, 2009

19 Weeks....

Relax, take a deep breath, and go on with your life. My daily routine. This week has gone by a bit better. Dreaming of my lil man. I can't wait to meet him. I've been hit with so many similarities between him and Mila. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I'm in a whirlwind of emotions. They move pretty much the same, at the same time of the day, the same schedule. But I wouldn't want it any other way. So I just relax, take a deep breath, and go on with my life.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is 5.2 to 6 inches this week. Your baby weighs approximately 7 ounces and will increase its weight more than 15 times between now and birth! One of the most amazing aspects of your baby's growth and development is that of the fetal brain. Your baby's brain is one of the first organs to appear. Your baby's oversized head shows the brain's importance in his development. Because the nerves that connect the muscles to the brain have grown into place, your baby's movements are consciously directed. Your baby's ears stand out from the sides of the head and the buds for your baby's permanent teeth appear. Your baby's arms and legs have reached their relative proportions and his feet are approximately one inch long.

~Tomorrow is 20 Weeks!

Monday, October 5, 2009

18 Weeks....


Not much of a difference from the last week. I'm feeling lil Joey move so much more. It's the greatest feeling, except when he decides to jump on my bladder like a trampoline. I've been thinking a lot about the day we meet lil Joey. I hope for the best in everything. I pray to God that he gets to be apart of this world.

I've been getting anxiety attacks here and there. I know I haven't mentioned to much about them but I have. Sometimes I let out a river a tears with any little trigger. I just breathe, count to ten, and know that it's ok. I've been getting agravated with what comes out of other people's mouths. For example, I've been asked the stupidest questions like are you scared for the big day? Duh, I've been through child birth already. How stupid of a question is that? How the hell do they think I delivered my daughter? And the whole "you're going to be a mommy!" I feel like I already am a mother. In fact I know I'm a mother. A mother to two beautiful children. I know these statements weren't made to upset me, but they did. Ha and the best one of all.... is smoking weed bad for your baby, Gee let me guess, is smoking bad for you..... YES!!!! So the answer to that is a million times YES!!!! And what the hell was I asked that for anyway? That's it, I'm done with dumb insensitive comments!

I know there's a lot of bitching on this post but one more thing. Blaming pregnancy hormones for everytime I'm mad, really? Does it ever occur to anyone that sometimes it's just assholes that make us that mad with their idiot ways and not our hormones at all?

Ok, now I'm done. I'm going to relax count to ten and stop my crying. I want to start over fresh and new on this Beautiful Monday morning. I'm going to try my hardest not to let the little things bother me. I'm going to try to be at peace.

And I'll end with this....
We are so happy and blessed that there is a lot of love that surrounds Joey and Mila. I'm blessed to have family and friends that are so supportive, loving, and caring toward our little family. I wouldn't want it any other way. We are very lucky!

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

By week 18 of your pregnancy, your baby's crown-to-rump length is 5 to 5.5 inches long. Your baby continues to develop fat layers and weighs about 5.25 ounces. Your baby will continue to grow and develop, but the rapid growth will slow down for a little while. You will be able to feel your uterus just below your bellybutton. If you put your fingers sideways to measure, you can feel your uterus about two finger-widths below your bellybutton. At this point of your pregnancy, your uterus is approximately the size of a cantaloupe. Although weight gain varies from woman to woman, your total weight gain at this point should be 10 to 13 pounds. Around this time, your baby becomes more sensitive to the outside world and shows her presence through powerful kicks and prods. The bones through which sound is passed to the inner ear have hardened and the parts of the brain that receives and processes nerve signals from the ears are developing. This means that your baby can hear now. Your baby will get used to familiar sounds, such as your heart beating, familiar voices, blood rushing through the umbilical cord and other daily routine sounds. Your baby will become startled if he hears a loud sound.
~I edited this post a bit.... I felt I needed to because some of the things I said may have hurt some feelings that I really didn't mean to hurt. I sincerely apologize.

Monday, September 28, 2009

and he's gonna be such a mama's boy....

It's a boy! Joe and I are ecstatic! We feel so happy to have been blessed with such a beautiful babygirl and now a babyboy. I can not wait to meet this little sweet heart. The ultrasound went great. Everything looked as healthy as can be. He was head down so I pretty much had to be tilted way back to get the baby to move. He weighs about 8 ounces now and his tiny heart was beating at 171 I believe. He was waving his tiny hands around the screen and sucking his thumb. My heart melted. When we were told it was a boy I let out joyful tears. I couldn't help it. I did the same with Mila. There's something about finding out what your baby is that gets the best of me. It feels that much more real. I don't think I'd ever be able to wait for a delivery surprise but give credit to those that do. This lil guy has been moving so much more since we found out. I love feeling him. He's been so active. It's such a nerve calmer.

Saturday Joe and I made our way to the cemetary. It was a cloudy day but as soon as we drove into the cemetary, the clouds up above us seemed to separate to let the most beautiful sun ray in. Almost as though it was leading our path. We first went to visit Pat for his birthday. We got to see his family so that was real nice. We chatted for a while then went to see Mila. We sat down cleaned it up a bit and placed 4 flowers near her. One for each of us. It felt so good sitting there just talking. My whole little family! We could have sat there forever, but the cemetary was closing and well we pretty much got kicked out by some creepy man. I thought it was a rude but we kind of got a laugh out of it.

5 months left to go..... here's hoping that it flys by.

Friday, September 25, 2009

17 Weeks....


Weird, weird, weird dreams this week. I dreamt that the terminator was having my baby. LOL. It was a bit disturbing. Plus every other night I have been having just as crazy dreams that I can't really remember. My gums have also been bleeding everytime I brush. I look like a vamp who just bit someone. Along with that my veins in my chest are getting more visible. Not to attractive. I've felt the baby move so much more. The best part is that Joe finally felt those kicks too! It was on Wednesday. Three hard kicks! It brought tears to my eyes from the excitement. Today is our big ultrasound and I can not wait to see our lil babe on that screen! Hoping and praying that the lil babe is healthy as can be and hoping we also find out what we are having. I'll update as soon as I know. =)

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's weight has doubled in two weeks and now weighs about 3.5 ounces! The crown-to-rump length of your growing baby is 4.4 to 4.8 inches. If you spread your hand out opened wide, you can see about how big your baby is. Huge changes continue to take place within your developing baby. This week fat begins to form and will continue to do so until he is born. Fat is important to the body's heat production and metabolism. Right now, at 17 weeks, water makes up about 3 ounces and fat 0.018 ounces of your baby's body. In a baby at term, fat makes up about 5.25 pounds of the total average weight of 7.7 pounds. The placenta is continuing to grow at an amazing rate. The placenta will continue to develop in tandem with the fetus and it will weigh more than a pound at birth! By this week, the placenta is large and well established with a network of blood vessels that exchange nutrients and waste. The eyes are facing more forward. The ears are now close to their final position. Your baby is more flexible with ability to move head, mouth, lips, arms, wrists, hands, legs, feet, and toes. Fingerprints are forming now.


~Tomorrow we start week 18

Friday, September 18, 2009

16 Week....

There really is a baby in there!!!! I've exploded in this past week. I feel so much bigger and not being able to hide my beautiful belly any longer. I've been experiencing braxton hicks contractions. They're not bad, once I move positions they go away. I tried to get Joe to feel them yesterday but by the time he made it to my belly, they stopped. Can't wait to feel this lil babe start kicking! One more week until the big ultrasound. I can not wait. I just pray that my baby is nice and healthy. That's all I wish for. That's all we want. I finally took some belly shots so I'll have to share them on here once I upload them to my computer. I just get so lazy sometimes. I also scanned my three previous ultrasound pics so I can't wait to post them. Time is flying!!!!

~Tomorrow we start week 17

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

At this point of your pregnancy, your baby is approximately 4.3 to 4.6 inches long and weighs 2.8 ounces. Not only is your baby growing, your uterus and placenta continue to grow to accommodate the growing baby inside of you! Just six weeks ago, your uterus weighed about 5 ounces. This week it now weighs 8.75 ounces! The amniotic fluid that surrounds the baby is increasing and there is about 7.5 ounces of fluid. You will easily be able to feel your uterus approximately three inches below your navel. Five and a half inches tall and only six ounces in weight. The child can grasp with his hands, kick, or even somersault. At this time, your baby is holding her head erect. Because her muscles are developing, she can make some faces now. Your baby is able to squint, frown and open its mouth. There is enough calcium in the bones that they will show up on an x-ray. Your baby's fingernails are well formed now and the legs are longer than the arms. Because your baby is moving well now, you may begin to feel his movements! Some women say that the early movements feel like gas bubbles or a slight flutter. If you have not yet felt the baby move, don't worry. Fetal movements are usually felt between the 16th and 20th week of pregnancy.

Friday, September 11, 2009

15 Weeks....

It was a short work week and so this week just flew right by. I had a doc appointment on Tuesday and everything went great. It was a follow up from the ER visit. My doctor checked my cervix and everything looked great. The bleeding is a mystery I guess. She assured me that it happens sometimes and not seeing it again is a good thing. I feel I bit more relaxed. She brought out the doppler and got the baby's heart beat right away. 145! I sounded beautiful. Then doctor G came in to say hi and to chat for a little bit. They are such nice doctors! I love them. I had some bloodwork done and off I went. The big ultrasound is in 2 weeks from today. Can't wait!

I have been feeling the "flutters" more and more each day. It's only a matter of time before this lil babe starts beating me up so daddy could feel. =) My belly is getting a little bit bigger so it might be time to let the rest of the people that don't already that I am pregnant. I can still hide it pretty well so we'll just have to wait and see what my mood is.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 4 inches and she now weighs approximately 1.75 ounces. Your baby is close to the size of a softball. Your baby is growing at an amazing rate and looking more like a human every day. Because your baby's skin is so thin, you are able to see blood vessels through the skin. Lanugo hair covers your baby's body, but it will be gone when your baby is born. The hair on the eyebrows and head continues to grow. Some babies are born with little or no hair and others have a head full of hair! If you have an ultrasound at this point, you might be able to see your baby sucking its thumb. Even though the eyes continue to move to the front of the face, they are still widely separated. Your baby's ears look like normal ears and continue to develop externally. The bones that have already formed continue to get harder and retain calcium. The baby is very mobile and flexible at this point. She can bend her arms at the elbows and wrists and she can also make a fist with her hands.


~Tomorrow we start week 16

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

and why are you in the high risk group....

I wish I didn't have to keep answering that.

Friday, September 4, 2009

14 Weeks....

We had quite a scare. I can safely say everything with our lil babe is ok. I had some bleeding and went to the hospital to get everything checked out. The whole time in the waiting room I could not stop shaking. I kept praying and begging God that everything would be ok. I tried keeping positive thoughts in my head. Not thinking about the worst but bracing myself for it just in case. The only one keeping me calm was Joe. We went through all of the steps. After everything I was finally off to get an ultrasould. It felt like a ton of bricks lifted off of my chest once we saw our lil babe moving across the screen. Joe let out a huge sign of relief. We couldn't stop staring at our precious lil babe. I let out tears of joy knowing that our lil babe looked safe. We were able to get some great pictures and off we went. Happy as can be!

I was a little bothered by the ultrasound tech. She asked me what number pregnancy this was. I said my second. She then asked what I had at home, I responded with "I had a daughter" She then rudely turned to me and said "had, what you mean had" Really? She heard what I said. That means I don't have my babygirl with me. What a stupid ignorant person. I continued to tell her what happened to my Mila. All she could say was sorry, but I know she wasn't.

She did give us a guess of what she thinks we're having. But I won't tell until I know for sure. Just 3 more weeks. Can't wait.

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:

You are now in your second trimester! Your baby's crown to rump length is 3.2 to 4.5 inches long and he weighs approximately 1 ounce now. Your baby is about the size of the average fist. At this time, your baby's face is becoming more developed. The cheeks and bridge of his nose appear and the ears move from the sides of his neck to much higher on his head. The eyes continue to come closer together. A big development from this week onward is the development of lanugo. Lanugo is the fine hair that grows over almost your entire baby. The hairs grow in whirled patterns that follow the grain of his skin. These patterns later give way to your baby's fingerprints. The lanugo will be shed before birth and replaced by thicker, coarser hairs. Your baby's thyroid gland has matured and starts to produce hormones. If your baby is a boy, the prostate will appear and the ovaries descend from the abdomen into the pelvis in baby girls. The embryo`s soft cartilage is now being replaced with ` real` chalk bones. Your baby has eyebrows, but no eyelashes. Fine, light hair also begins to grow.


~Tomorrow we start week 15

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Hush Now....

The ignorance of some people is astonishing. It comes in many different ways, shapes, and forms. How can people not control what they say at times? How can they sit there and judge your way of being so comfortably? How can they not see each and every person is an individual, unique if you will? How can they not see it's rude, hurtful, insensitive?

News flash, I am me! I do what I feel is what I need to do. I do what I want. I live the way I live because I love life this way. Decisions I make are because I feel they should be made.

Bottom line, I like what I like because I fucking LIKE IT! Enough said. No explanation needed. Why is that so hard to understand? I don't get it one bit. Please someone tell me why people need to give their rude two cents in when it's not needed? Does it make them feel good to try to embarrass others with their tactics? Or I get it , it's the they have a low self esteem so you have to pick on people to raise it.

I'm sick of it! I'm tired of just taking shit like that. The next time I get shit like this, I will explode and make someone feel as shitty as they make me feel. Not what I like to do at all but oh well. I don't care if it wasn't "intended" and I understand you can't teach old dogs new tricks, but you can smack the shit out of them.

So when I say something that I do in my life that you don't because it's not your style, don't state your opinion. I did not ask for it. When I want it you will know. Until then, keep your insensitive jerk comments to yourself. So what if you don't like my style? You can suck it. You're either in my life because you want to be or have to be. I know how it goes. That still doesn't give you the right to say asshole things to me and get away with it. Not anymore.

So warning, the next time this happens and I'm a bitch just know, no it's not my pregnancy hormones in anyway, it's me and my true feelings. I'm done being pushed around like that. It's ridiculous I go out of my way to be polite, not to hurt other peoples precious feelings, but mine get stomped away? I've had enough. It finishes right here!

This is in no way intended to be directed at a single individual for I get this a lot because I'm not the "typical young lady" I should be.

Just Hush Now....

Friday, August 28, 2009

13 Weeks....

Last day of week 13! Yay!!!! Time is not slowing down one bit. That's ok. I'm enjoying every bit of it. I have my bad days. I think I'm allowed to and it's healthier than keeping my emotions bottled up. I'm not one to just spill my feelings to make others feel awkward face to face. That's why I write here. Those who care to read can. And those who choose not to, that's ok too. I know I've contradicted myself before by saying I don't like to let my feelings out with strangers. Obviously this blog is open to all types of strangers, but I feel that if this can help some one else in any way by letting them into my process of healing, then it's well worth letting strangers into my life. That and those who know me but are scared of asking how I am or just want to know that I'm ok, well here you go. Here's a glimpse of how I'm doing and that I will be ok. Anyway....

I can't wait to feel my lil babe actually kick me hard enough so that daddy can feel. I know he can't wait either. That won't be for another couple of weeks though. I'm sure it'll go by fast. I'm feeling better. I have more energy. I'm definitely less crabby. That's always a good thing.

My mind is playing tricks on me. I dreamt of a baby girl twice now. Now I'm not to sure what to think we're having. I really really really hope we find out at our next ultrasound. It'll be a wonderful surprise either way. Things are going pretty well this week. Thanks to my loving fiance, this beautiful miracle growing inside of me, and my Mila who I know is with us always. I love my little family of 4....

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:

There is a milky membrane that surrounds your baby. It is pierced by the umbilical cord and is made up of two layers, which are fused together. Your placenta provides most of the nutrients and oxygen that your baby needs. By this week, the placenta is well formed and ready to take over hormone manufacture from your ovaries. The placenta will produce progesterone and estriol. These hormones will be crucial in the maintenance of your pregnancy. Tissue that will form your baby's bones is being laid down, especially around the head and limbs. The nose and chin are becoming more prominent. Your baby's eyelids meet and fuse together and they will not open again for nearly four months. The eyes started out on the side of your baby's head and they are now moving closer together on the face. The ears come to lie in their normal position on the sides of the head. If examined outside of the womb, you will be able to distinguish male from female at this time. The sockets for all twenty teeth are formed in the gums, and vocal cords are beginning to form.

~Tomorrow we start week 14
Second trimester here we come!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

doc appt....

I went to a doc appointment yesterday. It went freakin fantastic! I gained a pound so they were happy about that. I had a med student come in first and she seemed much more confident than the last. The first one I had was so soft spoken and nervous. She was really nice though as was this one. The one from yesterday was a talker. She was making me laugh the whole time. Anyway, everything looks normal. She found the baby's heartbeat right away! I love hearing that beautiful sound. It was at 155. Very normal which is what I love to hear. Then the real doc came in and talked to me for a bit. I had to reschedule the level II ultrasound so now it's on for the 25th of September. Booo, now I have to wait an extra week to find out what this lil babe is. That's ok. I think it's better that it got rescheduled. A week does make a difference in the baby's growth. I can't wait. It'll be here before I know.

I also went to visit my Mila yesterday. It was such a beautiful day. I was for the first time alone in that section. It felt kind of nice. I felt as if all of the babies there were flying over me. Then I spotted two fresh graves. I started to cry. I pray for those families to find hope. To find peace. To know that their babies will be ok.

I changed Mila's flowers and just sat there listening to music. So peaceful. For every tear that rolled down my cheek, a breeze came in and dried it away.

It was a beautiful day

Monday, August 24, 2009

I'm engaged....

I'm engaged to the most loving, caring, most beautiful man in the world. I couldn't be happier. It was a beautiful proposal. I was so surprised and impressed. And this beautiful ring that he picked out on his own is perfect. He knows me so well. I'm excited for our future together. I love him with every inch of my soul. I can't wait until the day we walk down the isle as husband and wife! He's my everything!

12 Weeks....

Well it was hell of a week. Of course I've written about mostly what happened so I won't bore with repeating it. I can't believe I'm done with the first trimester! It's going so fast and I'm glad it is. I can't wait to meet this lil babe! 6 more months to go....

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is almost 2.5 inches and she now weighs between 8 and 14 grams! In just three weeks, your baby's size has more than doubled and begins to look a lot more human. Even though you won't be able to feel your baby moving at this time, you can stimulate him and he will squint, open his mouth and move his fingers or toes.

Because most of the structures are already formed at this point, few will be formed after this time. The structures will continue to grow and develop throughout the remainder of your pregnancy. Your baby's skeletal system now has centers if bone formation in most of the bones. The digestive system is capable of making contractions that push food through the bowels and it is also able to absorb sugar. The pituitary gland beginning to make hormones. You will probably be able to hear your baby's heartbeat with a Doppler at this time!

Your baby develops reflexes and the skin is very sensitive. The brain is fully formed, and the child can feel pain. the baby may even suck his thumb. The eyelids now cover the eyes, and will remain shut until the seventh month to protect the delicate optical nerve fibers.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I wish....

So here I am in the middle of week 12. I've been quite sensitive this week. That pretty much explains my earlier blog. I do love my family. They mean everything to me. I've just taken comments made on a more serious level than they are meant. I should know better.

My emotions have been on a rollercoster ride. They are only at a stand still when I'm with Joe. Oh how I love being anywhere near him. He's my rock. I usually let out a river of tears on my way home from work when I'm by myself. I start thinking about lots of things. It's a tornado of thoughts up there causing a storm of sad tears, angry tears, joyful tears, and terrified tears.

I wish things were different. I wish I would wake up from the terrible nightmare it is to lose a child. I wish I didn't know what it felt like. I wish my Mila was here with me. I hate knowing that our family will never be complete with her not here on this earth. But I know she safe and sound in Heaven watching over the three of us. I pray that she's watching over her little brother or sister. I wish I could look into the future and know that this lil babe will make it home with us. I wish not to get Choleastasis again. Oh how I hate statistics. There's a 72% chance of getting it again. It keeps me up at night. I hate hate statistics. I wish I would have been taken seriously when I spoke about my symptoms. I wish I wasn't so naive to place my entire trust on those doctors. Assholes! I have to learn to forgive them but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I'm still in a whirlwind of sadness and anger with them to do so. They are at the top of my shitlist. Actually they are the only ones on it. I wish I would never see the pain in Joe's eyes when I look deep into them. I wish I could take it all away from him. He's one of the strongest people I know. I wish he didn't have to go through this. But in a selfish way I'm glad that I'm not alone. I've said it before, I would have self destruct long ago. I wish that all mother's in the entire world didn't have to know what it feels like to have to bury their own child.

I could only wish....

Monday, August 17, 2009

not so great....

I had a not so great weekend. I haven't been feeling well emotionally or physically. A lot of things have been taking a toll on me. I've been having this real uneasy feeling in me that I can't shake off. Like I'm losing my breath. I've also been naucious for the most part.

I've been feeling like I'm being pushed to the side. The way my family treats me sometimes I swear! It's not at all like they treat me horribly, but they do things or say things that are really hurtful sometimes and don't realize it. Ugh

Friday, August 14, 2009

11 Weeks....

So this is the end to week 11. It was a long week. I slept a whole lot again! I got to see my baby which was such a treat. I also started thinking a lot about my attitude or should I say frustration toward people (pregnancy mood swings i guess.) Overall I'd say it was a decent week. I'm having trouble finishing my dinners though. I get naucious half way through anything I eat. I'm really forcing it down to gain that weight the doc wants me to gain. I didn't feel like this with Mila which again is leading me to believe I'm having a boy. I actually dreamt again that I had a little boy last night. I will be surprised if I'm having a little girl. I guess we'll have to wait 5 more weeks to find out! Hopefully!

I've been getting frustrated with some people lately. I plan to change that. I just simply wont let them bother me! Easier said than done but it has to be done for mine and my baby's sake. I'm going to think positive! Anything annoying said to me or stupid, I'll just brush it off. I promise myself I won't talk bad about anybody. If i have something to say about them, I'll say it to their face as politely as possible. I'll try this the best I can. We'll see how this week goes. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Today we go for another ultrasound so I get to see this lil babe once again. I'll post ultrasound pics as soon as I hook up my scanner, if I can find the cords for it. I'll just have to get my lazy ass up to do it. ugh!

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:

Your baby continues to grow and is now approximately the size of a large lime! The crown-to-rump length of your developing child is 1.75 to 2.4 inches. The weight of the fetus is approximately 8 grams at this point. The growth of your baby is phenomenal now and your baby's length will double in the next three weeks. The head is grossly out of proportion and is almost half of the baby's length.

This is the last week of the embryonic period. From now on, your baby will be called a fetus. Your baby's fingernails appear this week! External genitalia are beginning to show distinguishing features and the development of male or female will be complete in three weeks. The
placenta's blood vessels increase to provide your baby with the nutrients and oxygen he needs for continued growth. Your baby's ears are gradually moving from the neck towards the sides of his head. Inside of your baby's abdomen, the intestines are developing. Because the intestines are so large, some of them project into the umbilical cord and they will return to the abdomen within the next week or two.

At the size of a plumb, your baby is now able to swallow. The urinary system functions. The baby swallows and urinates the amniotic fluid and the fluid is continually replaced. The baby is kicking but the mother cannot feel it yet. All vital organs are formed and, for the most part, function normally. From now on, they will grow in size and efficiency. As a preparation for
breastfeeding, your baby now has learned to swallow. Babies swallow amniotic fluid in the uterus.

~Tomorrow is the start of week 12

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

then the baby looked at me....

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Hahaha, love Ralph. I can watch him for days. Anyways, I thought I'd jot down what happened at my appointment yesterday. Well I was suppose to see the lady doc, I forget her name.... how horrible of me, but to my surprise I saw My wonderful doctor. I'll call him doctor G. I really love him. He said everything looked great but that I had to gain some weight. I've lost three pounds since my first appointment. To my defense though I lost 8 pounds with Mila in my first trimester so I think 3 isn't too bad. And I do eat as much as I could when I could.

He then had me lay on the bed and to my surprise he was going to do an ultrasound so that I could see the baby and so that he can check on my ovarian cyst. It was pretty cool I've never had a surprise ultrasound. It was a little portable one so I didn't get a picture but I don't care. I got to see my lil babe and that's all that matters! And boy was the lil babe active. As much as I hate calling the baby "IT", it was moving it's arms everywhere! All in front of it's lil face and waving at the screen.... I really felt our lil babe was waving at me though =P. So yea the baby looked at ME. Hehehe! It was truly a wonderful sight and my God how they grow so quickly! Just about 3 weeks ago it was just a lil peanut. It truly brings tears of happiness to my eyes.

I then went to the cemetary to share the news with my Mila and to change her flowers. I tried to stay as long as I could but was chased away by bees. I hate bees and the last thing I need is to get stung by one. So I said a quick prayer and left. Shared my news with my fam and went to sleep. Over all it was a good day.

Friday, August 7, 2009

10 weeks....


I wanted to give weekly updates of this pregnancy somewhat like I did with Mila. I regret that I erased all of my blogs from when I was pregnant with her. It was out of my control when I did that. I wasn't thinking straight. But who would in that situation right? Well I've been so lazy and have been doing pretty much nothing these past couple of weeks. Exhaustion has been kicking my ass. So far this pregnancy has been alot similar to Mila's. However, at the same time they are completely different. It's a completely different lil person inside of me. My second child! And for that, I am so greatful that God has blessed us once again. I feel lucky to know that we really don't have a problem getting pregnant. Once again this was a complete surprise. But one of the best I've ever had. We knew we wanted to have more kids but didn't think it would happen so soon.

So far in this tenth week everything has been going great. My ovary has been bothering me from time to time but no pain, so that's good news. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face just thinking that a lil baby is growing in my womb. It's an incredible feeling. I think it's safe to say that my mood swings have been in control for the most part. At least this week they have. It could be due to the fact that I've been sleeping all day long, all week long! I swear that I've felt this lil miracle move. I just know that I felt something swimming around in there. I know it wasn't just gas lol! Anyway, I pray for a healthy 6-7 months. I want to be able to take this lil babe home. But for now I'll be as patient as possible and as calm as possible. I've been trying to contain the amount of nervousness that I'm feeling. There's no need to stress the lil babe out so I try thinking about good thoughts. I'm aware of what could happen, but I won't let that ruin this pregnancy! This blessing!

And one more thing, as I know I keep babbling on, I've been really bothered by some people lately with the way they are acting as if this pregnancy is a "do-over." It really hurts my feelings when they don't acknowledge Mila. She was a real person and will continue to be for the rest of my life. Mila was my first child and will always be my first daughter. This little babe is my second. I just wanted to make that clear! I know most people just don't know how to act in these situations but if you're going to be in my life or comment about something in my life like my babies, then learn to be more considerate. These are two different pregnancies, two different souls!

Two different hearts that I love to pieces!

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:
At this point of your pregnancy, the crown-to-rump length of your developing baby is 1.25 to 1.68 inches. It is now easier to tell how much the baby weighs since he is beginning to put on some weight. Your baby weighs approximately 5 grams and is the size of a small plum! The baby has grown an incredible amount during these past few weeks, but you still aren't showing too much yet.
This week is somewhat of a landmark for your developing baby. By now, your baby's complete body plan is laid down. Your baby will continue to develop and grow for the remainder of the pregnancy. The fingers and toes have separated and the tail has disappeared now. Your baby has taste and tooth buds at this point, which will continue to develop. The brain will continue to grow at an amazing rate and nearly a quarter of a million new neurons are produced every minute! The embryonic heart is completely developed. External genitalia are not apparent until next week, but a male's testes will already be producing testosterone.

~Tomorrow is the Start of week 11

Thursday, July 16, 2009

7 weeks 5 days....

That's how far we are along! That's right, my eggo is preggo. I've known since 4 weeks along. i woke up Saturday morning POAS and BFP! I ran to wake Joe up and well we were in shock. Not an expected pregnancy but a wonderful suprise. We cried from the excitement. It was quite overwhelming. So now here I am. I'm so tired and hungry. I've been showing since I found out. Actually right now I look like I did when I was about 3-4 months pregnant with my Mila. My mom keeps joking that I have twins in there. I'm so happy but I am bracing myself for what can happen. I know what can happen this time. I won't be so naive about it. But I will cherish each and everyday with this blessing. It is a true blessing. One that will be with me as long as God wants. I was so cautious about telling people. I'm just so scared of what might happen but screw that. I'm going to enjoy this pregnancy just like I did with Mila. Next week I'll be able to schedule an ultrasound. Wish us luck

Saturday, July 11, 2009

frustration....

it gets you nowhere. Meh i don't care if anyone thinks im being a bitch. I have every right to feel frustrated. And now im just plain fuckin annoyed.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

vent....




You tell someone not to share your business. You SPECIFICALLY tell someone to please keep something so fragile private. And what happens.... yup they blab your business to others. Especially to the biggest gossip queens. How can someone be so stupid not to follow ones wishes.

Tool I swear


It's ok. Not a shocker at all.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

weeks....


I was just looking through my pictures and I came across this

I miss this!

Friday, June 19, 2009

la cucaracha....

I love being with friends.


Flaming Karina

run ins....

What do you do when a person you haven't seen since high school starts asking you about your life and how many kids you have?

My answer is simple, I have a daughter who I love and miss with all of my heart. I acknowledge my daughter. I'm sorry if this makes it awkward for others but I will never say I don't have one. I don't do this so people can feel sorry for my family. I don't say this to get attention. I say it because it's the truth. I love my babygirl and she's real. And no matter how simple I respond to that question without a tear in my eye, I feel it. I feel like crying but I don't. I may say it like it's not a big deal but it is. I just don't let my feeling out with strangers.

I've only once ignored someone who asked me how my daughter was and I felt like punching her in the face. I know it's not her fault and I know she didn't mean harm by it. I guess I just don't like her. I also had a severe case of drunkness so that could have been it too. I felt so horrible after that. I couldn't believe I couldn't answer her. Never again.

I have a daughter. Her name is Mila Jolie Cervantes and she flies with the angels all day long. I love her and miss her always. She's always on my mind and in my heart!

Monday, June 15, 2009

dreams....

I had a dream last night. It was about a baby boy. I'm not sure if he was mine or not but it sure seemed like it. Anyway he was under a year old but for some reason he was able to talk. Well actually all he can do is count. He was counting in spanish all the way past 20. It was really weird. Then I took him by his hands and walked around with him in a spiral. It was a nice dream. Much better than I've had lately.

Yesterday we went to see Mila's headstone. It was finished. On the way there I saw a beautiful white bird flying above us. I couldn't stop starring at it. Well we got there, we saw it and I cried. It was beautiful for what it was. It killed me to see my daughter's name on it. But at the same time she deserves recognition so I can't wait until it's installed. I've gone to the cemetary a couple of times already and have wept over graves that weren't Mila. I wept alot especially because I couldn't find her and I did'nt know which one she was. Well yesterday we finally found exactly which one it was thanks to my lovely sis who asked where it was a couple of days ago. We went there after we saw the headstone. Her grave was decorated so pretty, again thanks to my sis. We put more things around like these beautiful flowers Joe and I picked out and signs that his mom bought. We sat there and cried not really saying anything. Joe just held me and I held him. It was a beautiful sunny day yesterday and I didn't want to leave. But we did. We'll be back once the headstone is in place. I can't wait.

I feel somewhat at peace when I'm near her. I know she's with me always, but there is something about that place. Something so comforting I guess. It's just really beautiful and colorful there. Nothing like I usually see cemetaries to be. There's flowers everywhere and sign and balloons galore. There are always people there when I go too so it's nice to know I'm not alone.

We're not alone....

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

January....


January's Flower: Carnation

Botanical name : Dianthus

Meaning : Whimsical , Fanciful , Capriciousness, Fascination,


Destination Carnations were known as "Jove's Flower" in ancient Rome as a tribute to one to their beloved gods. In Korea, a young girl places three carnations in her hair to tell her fortune. If the top flower dies first, her last years of life will be difficult; if it's the middle flower, her earlier years will bring the most grief. Worst of all, if the bottom flower dies first, the poor girl will be miserable the whole life! For the most part, carnations express love, fascination, and distinction. Light red carnations represent admiration, while dark red denote deep love and affection. White carnations indicate pure love and geed luck; striped symbolize a regret that a love cannot be shared. Green carnations are for St. Patrick's Day; purple carnations indicate capriciousness. Pink carnations have the most symbolic and historical significance. According to Christian legend, carnations first appeared on Earth as Jesus carried the Cross. The Virgin Mary shed tears at Jesus' plight, and carnations sprang up from where her tears fell. Thus the pink carnation became the symbol of a mother's undying love, and in 1907 was chosen by Ann Jarvis as the emblem of Mother's Day, now observed in the United States and Canadaon the second Sunday in May.


Stone : Garnet
~~~~It's all slowly coming together....

Monday, June 1, 2009

moving day #2....


Well it was a sad goodbye to our apartment. We kicked our asses moving and at least its finally over. I'm so sore that I can barely walk. Saturday we moved pretty much everything. We didn't finish until about 10. It was a fucked up day. Meaning we are pretty much got shit faced and moved. Then Sunday came and we cleaned soooo much, I can still smell every single chemical we used to make that place look like new. And it did.

I'm gonig to miss that place so much. But I'm glad in a way that we put it behind us. That part of our life is over. Now we have one more moving day to go. Hopefully it will be our last for a while. Then I can finally set up my wall for Mila. Can't freakin wait.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to recover!

So long Wood Dale

Bye bye to our pretty view where I would sit just looking at the pond and the sky thinking of my babygirl. I will miss it....






Friday, May 22, 2009

dentist....

I went to the dentist yesterday. They are the nicest people ever. The last time I was there was when I was pregnant with Mila. I had a feeling they were going to ask "how's your baby doing" Sure enough, they did. I told her what happened and she was so sorry. She gave me some encouraging words. God bless her. It's people like her that help me get by. Today marks four months without my Mila. Four months since I've seen her beautiful face. I will never forget the first time I saw her. A true princess. I miss her more and more each and every day.

Mommy loves you babygirl~

I now am starting to think of how I want her memory sketched on my body. The choices are narrowed down to starting a sleeve for her, or across my back above my dragons. Either way it will come out beautiful. Only the best for her!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

nightmares....


I had a terrible dream last night. I don't know where it came from or why my imagination led to such horrible thoughts. I was in the house I spent most of my childhood at. I was in the bathroom helping my dad fix the sink and out of no where a different man led me to my bedroom to watch TV. It was urgent that I turn the TV on and watch a show with him. As soon as I turned on the television I became the show. It felt so real. I was however only observing the children around me unable to move.


There were 4 children in total. 3 little girls and 1 boy. They ranged in ages from 1-4. We were in an old dark house. It was rainy outside. They couldn't see me. It's as if I were a ghost. One of the older girls took the one year old girl off of her high chair. She proceeded to play with her, making her laugh, having a great time. Spinning her round and round. All of a sudden the three older kids were surrounding the one year old. Then the girl stabbed the one year old in the back with a butcher knife. I felt the butcher knife go in her as if it were stabbing me. There was blood everywhere. It wouldn't stop. I gasped and screamed and no one could hear me. I tried moving to help the little girl but I was stuck. The other kids just laughed as there faces turned into monsters.... Then they turned slowly in my direction and noticed me.


I woke up, sweating, my heart pounding unbelievably fast. I turned around and held Joe as tight as I could. It was between 3-5 in the morning. I'm not too sure. I eventually fell asleep again. The dream kind of picked up where it left off. However the kids were being taken away and the one year old appeared to be fine. It seems like that was it because the next thing I know, it's 5:30 in the morning and my alarm went off waking me up.


Why would I dream of something so horrible....

Monday, May 11, 2009

the first....

It's over. Mother's Day.... God was it hard. I woke up to a happy mother's day and a kiss on the cheek from my love. I wept. I felt so empty. I went to church and when the father asked all mother's to stand up for a blessing, I became paralyzed. I sat there and tears came rolling down. I couldn't take it. I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. Why couldn't I stand up? I'm a proud mother. But I just couldn't do it. With every text saying Happy Mother's Day, a tear dropped. Thank you to all of those who remembered about me. You won't believe how much it means to me. I was a little bit scared that no one would remember, so thank you! I received the most beautiful flowers from Joe and some more from his family. I'm so grateful to have them in my life. Thank you. From my family I received this beautiful bracelet with my babygirls name on it. I love it. Thank you soo much.

God I miss her. I wish I can hold her. When I came home I couldn't help but run into Joe's arms and cry. I let out a good cry. I was holding it in as long as I could and just couldn't take it. The rest of the night I stayed in his arms. I couldn't let go. I wouldn't let go.

I will never forget my Baby girl. After all, she is the one who made me a mother. I never knew a love so strong in my life before her. It's amazing what she has done to me. I have changed in so many ways. I miss her more and more each day. It's not any easier. I know people may think with time I'll feel better, but the truth is I will always feel empty. I will always be missing her. My pain will never be less than what it is at this moment.

She will always be the one who made us parents, who made us a family....
and that we will always be.


Friday, May 8, 2009

some poetry....


I read this on a forum and thought it was so beautiful and I wanted to share....

~~I closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him say,A Mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice,"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God,I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here. "So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.~~
To all babylost mamas, Stay Strong. I pray for all of you.

Much Love,
Karina

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

day and night....



I'm moving foward. So rapidly it seems. Tripping along the way. The days and nights come at me in a blur. I forget where I am in reality. I don't know how I got here or why. It's all very confusing to me. Instead of cruising through day by day, I feel as if I am speeding, running out of breath. And then I come to a hault. Something stops me. Or should I say someone. Memories bring me back to reality. Even if it's for a short time. I stop while I let a river flow through my eyes. The smoke lets out with each breath. I let absolutely no one see.

Then, I'm off again. Trying to catch that rainbow. Trying to find that peace. That tranquility. The shit through everyday life that just seems endless. I find myself occupied with whatever I can grasp. Loneliness is not an option. I hate it. Yet I feel it all the time. So i keep running. It's different everyday, yet the same. My heart pounding ridiculously fast, I feel one day it's going to tear and burst out of me. Just waiting on it. The "voice" in a whirlwind of thoughts. They can't be organized. They scream. They're endless. I stare blankly ahead. I'm not the same. I am not me. I am as close to being me only when I'm around him. I will only be me again once I'm with her.

I long to be with him.
I'll forever long to be with her.
I still feel her.