Shorter of Breath....

....Perfect

2010-03-30T09:09:00.002-05:00

Introducing Joseph David Jr.

Born Sunday, Jan. 31, 2010

6:53 p.m.

6 lb. 4oz.

and he's perfect

Week 34....

2010-01-26T07:45:00.002-06:00

Well I've been quite busy. Last week was a whirlwind of emotions for me. With Mila's Angelversary, it was mostly what I can think about, but I'll save that for another post for my babygirl.

The week started off ok. Lil Joey has been really bruising me up in there. All he seems to do now is stretch, and I mean really stretch out. It's painful but reassuring. At my doc appointment, everything went well. We did our first NST and of course Joey stopped moving once I sat on that recliner. I knew that would happen. He was so active for the doc but once that NST started.... nothing. So poor lil guy had to be buzzed to get moving. If felt like the nurse was about to shank me. Actually it really was like she was shanking me. Not painful at all, it was just her movements. But it did get the lil guy moving and he did great. Joe and I just sat back on the recliners they had in there which were sooooo comfortable that I was knocking out. Hearing lil Joey's heartbeating the entire time was soothing. When we were all done, we went to get some blood work to check my bile acid levels and off we went.

Thursday came along and I was a mess. The doctor called me really early with the results of my test. Well my bile acid levels doubled to a 20 since the prior week. I tried to stay as calm as possible talking to him but once I hung up and called Joe and I was a mess. It's not so bad actually but I can't help but worry. As much as everyone says not to worry, I can not help it. The doc upped my meds and we are inducing earlier now. Today we find out the exact date when we go in for our appointment. I haven't been feeling too too itchy all over like I did with Mila so I'm guessing I have the meds to thank for that.

All of last week I've had the worst nightmares too. So it's not helping me to relax. They all pretty much end the same. I'll spare the details of them. Don't want to go there right now. I'm just trying my hardest to stay as positive as I can and stress free but it's hard. But again I try for this lil miracle inside of me. Just thinking of him gets me by. Not too much longer until we meet face to face.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length this week is approximately 12.8 inches and the total length is around 19.8 inches at this time. Your baby now weighs almost 5 pounds. From your bellybutton, it is about 5.6 inches to the top of your uterus. Measurements of your uterus vary from woman to woman. You should not worry if you do not measure the exact same as your pregnancy friends or family members as long as you are growing appropriately. When your uterus grows and gets larger at an appropriate rate, it shows that your baby is growing well inside of your uterus. Your baby's hair continues to get longer and thicker. Your baby's hair color probably is not going to be the same color from birth onwards, so you should expect it to change in color. Your baby is shedding most of lanugo, but the amount of vernix caseosa is increasing. Your baby is taking calcium from you to lay down lots of bone. Continue to take your prenatal vitamins and drink milk to ensure that you receive enough calcium. If you were to deliver your baby now, it would probably be called a pre-term infant instead of premature. The only difference is in the maturity, particularly lung maturity. A pre-term baby is less likely to need intensive care because its lungs have developed. Doctors can test lung maturity with an amniocentesis that checks levels of surfactant. The baby now rests on your uterus and is no longer floating. Fingernails now reach over the finger tips and the baby can scratch itself.

and 1 yr ago today....

2010-01-20T07:51:00.001-06:00

I can honestly say was the worst day of my life.

Week 33....

2010-01-15T07:12:00.004-06:00

So here's the end of week 33. Longest week ever! I had to work 10.5 hours everyday. Oh yea, and while being sick might I add. I feel better now. I was just the beginning of a cold. It wasn't so bad. But Of course I got sick on my babyshower. I was trying not to get to close to people cuz I was hacking up a lung and that's pretty disgusting. Back to the babyshower though, I was so happy to see every single person who made it and cares for baby Joey and my family. We were extremely thankful! So thank you to the sisters who made this happen and put it all together! It was beautiful. Joe and I were overwhelmed with all of the gifts. They are very much appreciated. Now time to get those thank you card all written. That will be my project for the week.

We put the bassinet together that my love Tina B. got us and my God is it beautiful. We love it! Well Joe put it together and I supervised =P.Can't wait for Joey to test it out. We also put together the stroller that my brother and his wifey got us. We love it! I saw it online and saw that it had some of the best reviews on it. It looks way better in person. My mom was more excited than I was though cuz she can't wait to take her grandbaby on walks with her. We were going to "Dwight" test the stroller but decided against it. LOL.

So that leaves me now to my appointment and ultrasound from Tuesday. Everything went well. The baby is doing great but let me tell you that he didn't like being poked at all. He was kicking me so hard the whole time. My belly just kept making waves. Everyone in the room kept laughing at me. Of course when he usually moves like that, I try to soothe him by putting my hand over my belly.... not the best idea while getting an ultrasound. I kept getting my hand filled with goo. I did it like 3 times. gross. But overall everything went well with him and of course his hand was on his face the entire time. He really loves his hand =) His heart sounded fantastic at 160. And he weighs 4lbs. 15oz. exactly where he should be in the 50th percentile.

My sugar levels have been great so now I only have to poke my finger 9 times a week. Thank God because my poor lil fingers were getting sore. I also had some blood work done to check my bile acid levels. I had been itchy for the past couple of days so the Doc wanted to make sure they weren't rising. After that we discussed that from now on, every week that I have left, I will be having a NST (non stress test) after my doctors appointment to monitor the baby and have one more ultrasound before being induced. We were thinking at 38 weeks.

Well I got my test results back and my bile acid level actually increased to 10. It was a 7 at Christmas. Now 10 is borderline. Here's the breakdown, 1-10 is normal, at the start of 11 it's considered cholestasis, and anything higher than 20 is severe cholestasis. Now given my history the doctor decided to act on it now instead of waiting for my levels to rise, so he prescribed me urso to see if it will help. I feel pretty good about it. But now I wonder if they will induce me earlier. I started getting itchier these past couple of days, so now they will test me every week also to monitor my bile acid levels. For those that don't know what that is, look up cholestasis. I'm 1 out of a 1000 pregnancy's that have it. Lucky me right.

For the most part my anxiety level has been at a 6 from a scale of 1-10. I have Joe to thank for that. He keeps me sane. God I love him. I love everything about him. I thank God he is in my life everyday. Can't wait till the day we walk down that aisle.... that will be soon enough!

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby weighs about 4.4 pounds at this point. The crown-to-rump length of your baby is approximately 12 inches and the total length is around 19.4 inches. Measuring from the top of your uterus to your bellybutton is 5.2 inches. Total weight gain at this point of pregnancy is usually 22 to 28 pounds. With the exception of crying, your baby is capable of doing everything that a newborn baby will do. Your baby is restricted now inside of the uterus, but still can kick and move. Your baby sleeps a lot of the time, just as newborn babies do. Your baby's eyes move in the manner of REM sleep and researchers believe that babies can dream vividly in uterus. When your baby is awake, she is listening, feeling and learning. There are billions of neurons in the brain that make trillions of connections. Your baby will probably have settled into the birth position by now and your caregiver can most likely tell which way your baby is presenting. If your baby were to be born now, the lungs would probably be strong enough to function properly, but your baby may still need extra care from specially trained doctors and nurses. Your baby's eyes open during alert times and close during sleep. The eye color is usually blue, regardless of the permanent color as pigmentation is not fully developed. The final formation of eye pigmentation requires exposure to light and usually happens a few weeks after birth.

Week 32....

2010-01-11T08:03:00.003-06:00

So week 32.... lots of pricking going on with my fingers. Everything went ok for the most part. My blood sugar has been right on target so that was great. My doctors appointment went fantastic. Baby Joey was moving non stop especially when trying to listen to his heart. It was at 160. He just would not stop kicking. We all had a laugh. My meeting with the dietitian went ok. It was a little bit pointless but then again it was for my baby so it did have importance. Tomorrow we go it for an ultrasound and I can not wait to see how big this lil babe has grown. 3-5 weeks left =)

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

By week 32, your baby weighs nearly 4 pounds! The crown-to-rump length of your baby is approximately 11.7 inches and the total length is about 18.9 inches. Your uterus is now 5 inches above your bellybutton. Sleeping boy. the baby sleeps 90-95% of the day, and sometimes experiences REM sleep, an indication of dreaming. Now that your baby has grown so long and your uterus is higher, you might notice a new discomfort. Your baby is probably head-down and may occasionally stretch out and kick you in the ribs. The pressure on your rib cage can make you sore, especially if one of your baby's feet becomes caught. You can prevent this by sitting up straight as much as possible. Because your baby's demands for vitamins and minerals are higher than ever right now, you should continue to take your parental vitamins for the entire pregnancy. This week your baby's movements will peak. You should continue to monitor the fetal movements daily and address any concerns with your caregiver. The wrinkles in your baby's face are disappearing and fat is still being deposited throughout the baby's body. The body growth slows down from now on. Because of the lack of space in the uterus, the legs are drawn up in what is known as the fetal position. As a preparation for breastfeeding, your baby has learned to root for the breast. The baby will turn its head if touched on the cheek and open its mouth if the bottom lip is tickled. By this time the baby can also suck and swallow in a coordinated way.

Week 31....

2010-01-04T07:38:00.003-06:00

Gestational Diabetes! booooo to that. I barely failed the 3 hr Glucose tolerance test. I am now testing my blood 4 times a day for the next 3 weeks to monitor my blood sugar. Fun. So far it's been pretty normal. It could be that I cut back on all the sweets that my sweet tooth was craving. Hard Candy, my greatest weakness. We'll see how that goes. I meet with a dietitian on Wednesday. It's not like I was over indulging or anything. In fact I've only gained 13 pounds in this pregnancy. Doctor G keeps telling me to put on that weight and I'm trying! I really am. But now I'm paranoid about what to eat. So therefore, meeting with the dietitian. I have 4-6 weeks left. The longest 4-6 weeks in my life. Baby Joey is doing great. His heart beat was at 150 when we heard it last Tuesday. My belly was measuring right on target meaning he most likely is too. I have a growth ultrasound coming soon so I can't wait to see him up on that monitor again. I feel him getting bigger and stronger. He's found the habit of kicking my ribs regularly now. I'm scared to what that's going to feel like in the next couple of weeks. eek. It's OK it helps me know that he's just living it up in there. The pain I feel is comfort to me. That's the way I see it =)

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby is continuing to grow each week that you remain pregnant. Your baby's crown-to-rump length is nearly 11.2 inches and total length is approximately 18 inches. Your baby weighs approximately 3.5 pounds at this point. Your uterus is about 4.4 inches above your bellybutton and continues to get larger. An average weight gain at this point is between 21 and 27 pounds. The weight that you gain is made up of your baby, placenta, blood supply, uterus, breasts, fat, water storage and amniotic fluid. This week marks an incredible milestone in your baby's lung development. Before now, the air sacs and branches in your baby's lungs were present but not functional. The lungs were not able to inflate properly. However, now there is surfactant being produced in your baby's lungs. Surfactant prevents your baby's lungs from collapsing outside of the uterus and the baby is able to take in air and breathe properly. The fetal ear is almost completely developed both inside and out. Your baby can hear your voice and other familiar sounds that she will recognize after birth. Your baby is putting on white fat under the skin and the skin's color is pink instead of red at this point. Your baby's fingernails have grown to the end of her fingers and she may scratch herself while she is in the womb.

so long to you 2009....

2009-12-31T08:24:00.003-06:00

You've changed my life in so many ways.

2009 truly was the turning point in my life.

Here's to a hopefully better 2010 for everyone.

God Bless and Happy New Year

28-30 Weeks

2009-12-28T07:39:00.003-06:00

I just realized that I missed three weeks! I've been pretty busy with the holidays but I finally found some time to write. Baby Joey is doing great. He's so active! Still somersaulting in my belly it feels like. As we get closer and closer to his arrival, I can't help to get more anxious. I want him here now! But of course I can wait. His daddy and I are so amazed by him already that I can't imagine what it will be like when we meet him. Counting down the days! We've been going to the doc more often now. We went in for another ultrasound and were able to see Joey move his lips and saw him breathing! It makes my heart literally melt when I see that. I also had to go in to do the glucose screening which I failed so I had to do the 3 hour glucose tolerance test on Saturday. God was is torture. I felt so sick after that. I was just glad that Joe was able to go with me. He's such a great hubby. He truly is my better half.

We tried to go see Mila but the weather here hasn't been the greatest. It sucks because I haven't been able to go. I miss going there and just escape. But sadly I don't think I'll be able to go until after I deliver. I wouldn't want to get sick or anything or even risk the chance of falling on some ice. I know she's with us where ever we go and I know that she knows that we love her even if we can't go to the cemetary. I miss my babygirl. I just keep reminding myself that I will be able to see her again one day and I know in my heart that she is safe and happy. I know she is. =)

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

WEEK 28:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 10 inches and the total length of your growing baby is around 15.75 inches. Your baby weighs about 2.4 pounds at this point. Your uterus is a little more than 3 inches above your bellybutton. Your weight gain at this time should be between 17 and 24 pounds. Your baby's brain continues to develop and is now forming the folds and grooves of a fully developed brain. The amount of tissues within the brain also continues to increase in large amounts. The hair that covers your baby's scalp is also getting longer. Your baby is now large enough for presentation to be determined and your doctor might be able to find out if your baby is at risk for being breech. If your baby is breech, don't panic. There is still time for the baby to rotate.

WEEK 29:

At this point in your pregnancy, your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 10.4 inches and the total length of your baby is around 16.7 inches. Your baby weighs about 2.7 pounds and continues to grow every day. If you measure from your bellybutton, your uterus is 3.5 to 4 inches above it. Total weight gain at this point is usually between 19 and 25 pounds. Babies that are born prematurely can be very tiny. Even a baby that is only a few weeks early can be very small. Your baby will grow rapidly from now until week 36, and then at a slower rate thereafter. Generally, boys weigh more than girls at birth. The average baby's birth weight at full term is 7 to 7.5 pounds. Your baby will continue to open and close his eyes in the womb and may be able to see silhouettes of objects or even people in the right amount of light. Your baby should be moving many times throughout the day. Some of your baby's movements will be predictable and if you notice a decrease in fetal movements, you should lie down and do a fetal kick count. You should feel your baby move approximately ten times in an hour. If you do not notice the proper amount of movements, you should contact your healthcare provider. Research has shown that your baby is not only able to hear, but also able to recognize your own voice. This shows that your baby can already learn, remember and recognize.

WEEK 30:

You may feel as if you have been pregnant forever at this point. It might be hard to imagine being pregnant for another ten weeks, but your baby still has a lot of growing and developing to do! By this time, your baby's crown-to-rump length is a little over 10.8 inches and the total length of your baby is about 17 inches! Your baby weighs about 3 pounds now. Your uterus can be felt about 4 inches above your bellybutton. Your uterus, baby, placenta and the amount of fluid will get larger over the next ten weeks. You should be gaining about a pound a week at this time. Even though your baby is cushioned by the amniotic fluid, she can feel and respond to pain. Your baby now does `practice breathing` to get ready for life outside of your womb. If you have an ultrasound at this time, you will be able to see this. If your baby swallows amniotic fluid down the wrong passage, she will still get hiccups that are noticeable by you. If your baby were born at this time, she would be able to keep herself warm. The skin begins to smoothen as fat deposits accumulate underneath. The fat insulates and is an energy source.

27 Weeks....

2009-12-07T07:27:00.003-06:00

Last week of the second trimester! woooo! For the most part everything went ok for week 27. I started getting braxton hicks contractions every half hour for like 3 hours but that was only one day so that's ok. I had an ultrasound on Friday and it went great! Baby Joey now weighs about 2lbs 11 oz. We saw him breathing and he got an 8 out of 8. Good job hunny! I just love seeing him on the screen. We took my mom this time since she's never seen an ultrasound before so she loved it. He's again still jumping up and down on my bladder. It sucks but it does ease my nerves a bit. I just keep thinking 8 more weeks! 8 more weeks and this little guy who has been kicking me for so long inside of me can be kicking me on the outside. We're so excited. Cant' wait for everyone to meet him.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

You are now in the third trimester, and last, of your pregnancy! Your baby's crown-to-rump length is about 9.6 inches and your baby's total length is approximately 15.3 inches! Your baby now weighs about 2 pounds 3 ounces and is going to grow rapidly during this last trimester! Your uterus is about 2.8 inches above your bellybutton. If your baby were born now, it would have an 85% chance of surviving. Even though your baby is still not fully developed, she would be well within the limits of premature viability. You still have approximately 13 weeks left of your pregnancy, and during this time your baby must continue to grow and develop. If your baby was born at this time, she would have several complications that would require special attention. Because babies do not have adequate amounts of fat at this time, your baby would have to be kept inside of an incubator for warmth. Because the air sacs in your baby's lungs do not yet have surfactant, she would require an artificial respirator. Your baby's brain, liver and immune system still need to develop more also. Your baby can develop hiccups.

[The 27 Week shot taken 11.28.09]

26 Weeks....

2009-11-29T15:21:00.003-06:00

A little late on posting but it was a holiday week so I took advantage of it. I was a lazy bum most of this week. On Tuesday I had a doc appointment and I was able to see Dr. G. I love him. He is such a nice man. I've gained about 10 pounds total so he was satisfied with that. Well everything with Joey is going right on schedule. I was able to feel his head with my hands. It felt like a lemon. I received the H1N1 shot finally and I'm sooooo happy I didn't get sick from it like I did with the Flu shot. Dr. G and I discussed a little bit about what will go on for the next couple of weeks. I have an ultrasound on Friday and my doc appointments will be every two weeks from now on which means my next one is next Tuesday. Once I hit 32 weeks I will be going in everyweek. Then we'll discuss when I will be induced. So this little guy is coming alot sooner than we thought. When I told Joe the news it really hit me. I started to cry. It just felt that much more real. Can't wait.

In other baby Joey news, I felt him hiccup this week. It was so cute. He also made my belly wave like there was no tomorrow. Joe started talking to him and giving him kisses and he just went crazy in there. It just melts my heart.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

By this week, your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 9.2 inches. Remember, that is only from the top of his head to his bottom and does not include his leg measurements! Your baby weighs almost 2 pounds and is beginning to put on weight. Your uterus is about 2.5 inches above your bellybutton and you will continue to grow approximately 1 cm each week. If you have been eating a well-balanced diet, you probably have gained about 16-22 pounds so far. Because your baby has moved further up, you may get occasional pain underneath your ribs. After a month of having his eyelids sealed shut, your baby begins to open his eyes again this week. Your baby's eyes are almost completely developed. Your baby's eyes are blue in the womb and may change colors later in life. This is true for all races because the pupils do not have their final color until a few months after birth. However, some babies are born with darker or lighter shades of blue. Your growing baby will continue to put on layers of fat until he is born. He is still lean at this point of the pregnancy though. By the time your baby is born, he will assume the typical newborn's plumpness. Your baby's skin will still be wrinkled and red, but the fat continues to fill the skin out. Finger and toe nails continue to grow. Blood vessels start to develop in the lungs to prepare the baby for life outside the uterus. Your baby's blood circulation is completely functional. The umbilical cord system continues to grow and thicken as blood travels with considerable force through the body to nurture the baby. The placenta is now almost equal in size to the baby. Even though it is still way too soon for your baby to be born yet, the chance of survival without severe abnormalities is now 70% provided it is born in a hospital.

[The 26 Week shot taken 11.21.09]

realizations....

2009-11-23T08:09:00.002-06:00

I've come to realize that there are people that will never know what to do or say to a grieving mother. I just sit back and smile as best I could to go through with it. No matter how insensitive they are. It's not their fault they don't know the pain it is to lose a child. I am very happy for them that they don't know what it feels like and I pray that they never find out.

I've come to realize some people will never think of Mila as a real person. That however, I will not tolerate. She was as real as you and me. She was my first child, my first daughter.

And once again, I am a mother of TWO.

I've come to realize that some think I wasn't careful in my pregnancy with Mila and that what happened was somehow my fault. I did everything perfectly right with Mila. I had a wonderful pregnancy. I was very lucky for that. However, I was ignored when I was having symptoms to what led to everything that happened. To those people who ignored me.... FUCK YOU!

I've come realize over and over again that family is the most important thing in my life. My family are those that are closest to me. Being the same blood doesn't consider you my family. My real family are those who know my pain, who were there for me and Joe through our darkest hour and who will always be there for us as we will always be there for them. I have true love and am greatful for every single one of them.

I've come to realize that my little family although not complete here on this earth, will always be complete in my heart. And for that I am thankful.

I've come to realize....

"when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

25 Weeks....

2009-11-20T07:36:00.007-06:00

What a week. It was a great week. It started off with baby Joey's first concert. We went to the Metro to watch a friend play and oh boy was this baby moving everywhere. I'm pretty sure he bruised my insides. It was awesome though. I missed going to live shows. My love took my out on a date the next day which was perfect until we got home. I started having this horrible pain by my shoulder blade. I think I was laying on it weird. The pain continued on to the next morning. Every time I inhaled deeply, I felt sharp pain then all of a sudden in went away. Well now it's back. I think I slept wrong again. It's hard getting comfortable at night now. Also hard not to wake up in the middle of the night with the strong movements this lil babe makes. I love it though. It helps to calm my nerves.

I also went out to dinner with one of my best friends who I hadn't seen in months. It was great. We talked for hours. What I liked most was that we talked about Mila. I love when she gets acknowledged. I can't believe it's been almost 10 months. Wow. I miss her. This year has been a blur without her. I know she's smiling down on us though. I know and feel that she's in safe hands. I love you baby girl!

Well 99 Days left! My count down now begins. With the holidays coming up, I'm hoping it will fly by. Can't wait to meet the lil man inside of me that keeps beating me up. =)

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is about 8.8 inches. Weight has increased to around 1.5 pounds and fat is still being deposited at a high rate. Babies come in all shapes and sizes, so your baby could vary slightly from these `average` measurements. Your uterus has grown quite a bit bigger this week. The top of your uterus is between your bellybutton and your sternum. Your uterus is about the size of a soccer ball now! If your baby is delivered at this time, it would have a good chance of surviving. It is best for your baby to remain inside of you for the remainder of the pregnancy, but great advances have been made in the care of a premature baby. Ventilators, monitors and medications all help premature babies develop and grow outside of the womb. If your baby were born this early, he would probably have to spend several months in the hospital and would be more susceptible to infections and other complications. You can hear your baby's heartbeat with both a Doppler and a stethoscope at this time, and your partner may even be able to hear the heartbeat unaided if he puts his ear in the right position. Sex differentiation is being completed now. If you are expecting a baby boy, the testes start to descend into the scrotum. In baby girls, the vagina is hollowing out. Your baby is able to do more with their fingers now and can move his fingers to make a complete fist. As your baby becomes more dexterous, he will be able to touch and hold his feet. Babies also begin to prefer their left hand or right hand at this time. Because babies settle into routines of sleep and activity, you might begin to notice these patterns as well. Some women experience the most fetal movements while they are trying to rest.

~Tomorrow we start week 26

[The 25 Week shot taken 11.14.09]

blessed....

2009-11-18T07:49:00.004-06:00

I like so many others have had to deal with an enormous amount of pain in our lives, with an emptiness in our hearts that will never be quite filled. However, I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. My Mila wasn't brought into our lives to cause us pain. I believe she was given to us to teach us about love. She was brought into our lives to teach us some lessons that maybe we haven't quite understood yet but we will when we are ready. And for that I am greatful.

I'm feeling truly blessed for everything I have in my life. God is great. I'm blessed to have the family and friends that I have, I'm blessed for my beautiful children God has gifted me with, and I'm extra blessed to have found my soul mate. The one person who has made me what I am today. He's amazing. I've found a special happiness with him that I never thought was possible. It's a bit cliche but he completes me.

Never take for granted what you have.

I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Never settle for less. Be with the one you love who shows you that same love back. What's meant to be will be. If you haven't found that yet, don't stress. God has a plan for you. You'll find your partner to walk in this life with.

Everything happens for a reason. Life gives you lessons. Those lessons lead the path to your survival. To your happiness which is what the majority of people thrive for. Fight for your happiness. Don't get buried alive.

"Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this:
It's living
You'll get along
The pain that you feel
You only can heal
By living
You have to go on living"

24 Weeks....

2009-11-13T07:20:00.002-06:00

The belly has officially become a magnet. Not in the annoying way yet but maybe it's because it's been people who I really know and not just some random strangers. I'm sleeping less and less these days. I wake up way too easily with lil Joey's kicks. He's doing so good. At the ultrasound last Friday he's was moving everywhere. He weighs 1lb. 10oz! A little above average. That's my boy! It's so amazing how big he's gotten. Our ultrasound tech was awesome. Sweet lady. She always gives us a ton a pics. She even checked for the money shot again and yup still a penis. Joe and I just stared at the screen in awe. He was breached this time but they said that was normal so not worried about it. That would explain the jumping on my bladder that I've been feeling. Can not wait to meet him! Well yes I can wait but hopefully the next 15 weeks or so fly by. Oh and I've also started walking this week. I've been walking 1 mile everyday and feel great. I have Tina to thank for that. =)

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

This week your baby's crown-to-rump length is around 8.4 inches and your baby will weigh approximately 1.2 pounds. Although it weighs a little over a pound at this point, your growing baby is still tiny. Your uterus can easily be felt 1.5 to 2 inches above your bellybutton. The fetus does not appear to have much room in the uterus anymore, but as your pregnancy progresses, space gets much tighter! Your baby's face is basically complete now. The fetus's eyes are close together on the front of his face and they are still shut. Your baby's ears have moved into their final position on the sides of his head. Where they are now is where they will be when your baby is born! Hair will continue to grow on his scalp and his eyelashes are well developed. Most of your baby's features look the same as they will at birth. Because your growing baby is getting plumper, he no longer has room in your tummy to do cartwheels and somersaults. the unborn child is covered with a fine, downy hair called lanugo. Its tender skin is protected by a waxy substance called vernix. Some of this substance may still be on the child's skin at birth at which time it will be quickly absorbed. The child practices breathing by inhaling (up to a liter/day) amniotic fluid into developing lungs.

rina = author?....

2009-11-09T08:05:00.004-06:00

I should really consider writing a book on things not to say or do to a baby lost mama. I mean really? The blind ignorance in some. Parading your child who was born the same time My Mila was born and saying are you sure you're ready for this or I bet you can't wait for this. Really? Actually that should be me. Trade places with me and see how that would feel. I know it's not done purposely to hurt me but come on! And for the douche that keeps on being a bigger douche, this is my second child! I feel I'm going to blow up at the next person who ignores Mila's existence.

Other than that I have been more of a positive person. Or at least trying to. This weekend was testing me a bit. Still trying to accept people for who they are knowing that they aren't going to change and to just get used to the fact. They have to be in my life no matter what so I pretty much have to. It takes alot of technique to just sit there and take some of their comments. I actually got quite embarassed at what someone made a big deal of in front of a whole room of people by twisting my words around. I haven't been embarassed in a long time but that sure got to me. Some people.... I hate the fact that people with a low self esteem have to make others feel lower than them to feel better about themselves. What ever makes their life better I guess. Again, I promise to be more accepting and not let it get to me. It's hard though. I know I'm in no way perfect, but I would never make some one feel stupid in front of others.

I have been in a better place for the most part and I can thank my beautiful fiance for that. I love him so much and he truly makes life that much better. He's my rock. He's my everything.

23 Weeks....

2009-11-06T07:44:00.004-06:00

Ultrasound today! Yay I'm excited to see Joey up on the screen. I pray he is doing well. It sure seems like it with all the moving he does around in there. I've been feeling a lot better. And I feel like I'm getting a lot bigger. It's exciting. Being pregnant has it's ups and downs but secretly I Love it. I love being able to bond with little Joey in my womb. Can't wait to meet him. I can't wait to hold him. Seems like an eternity away but we'll get there. Trying to stay positive. Wow 16 more weeks to go. AAahhhhh

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

This week your baby's length, from crown-to-rump, is approximately 8 inches! Your growing baby has finally reached one pound. Your baby is about the size of a small baby doll and looks very human. The baby's face and body look similar to that of a newborn at this time. Your uterus can be found about 1.5 inches above your navel. Your total weight gain should be approximately 15 pounds at this time. You might notice some Braxton-Hicks contractions around this time. These contractions are not regular and they should not be painful. Braxton-Hicks contractions prepare your body for the upcoming labor and they will get stronger as your pregnancy progresses. You might be able to feel the contractions if you put your hand on your abdomen and your baby can probably feel the uterus gripping and massaging her. It will not harm your baby, so there is no need for concern. Fat is still being deposited at a rapid rate, but your baby still looks red and wrinkled. Skin is being produced at a higher rate than the fat is, so the skin hangs loosely. Your baby looks red because the skin is losing its transparency and pigment is beginning to form. You should be feeling your baby moving quite a bit throughout the day as she will kick and punch the uterus walls. Babies also run their hands along the umbilical cord and touch their body parts while they are in the womb. Your baby now can suck her thumb for real, where she was just sticking it in her mouth. Your baby will continue to swallow amniotic fluid and recycle it as urine. The liquids and sugars that the baby retracts from the fluid is a supplement to the nutrients that the placenta delivers. You might be able to feel small `jumps` inside of you when your baby gets the hiccups from swallowing fluid. The pancreas is developing and it will responsible for insulin production, to help break down sugars. Oily fish in your diet could help boost your baby's health. (Women who eat oily fish while pregnant have children with better visual development, a major study at Bristol University suggests.) As the baby continues to grow, it has less space to move around in the uterus. Bones, muscles and organs are growing steadily.

~Tomorrow we start week 24

22 Weeks....

2009-10-30T07:49:00.003-05:00

What a week. It started off ok. Tuesday I went to the doc's office. I stopped at the cemetery right before my appointment to change Mila's flowers and noticed all of her decorations were gone. I forgot the cemetery does a cleaning in October. It's ok though. I'll buy her more when I go next time. It just felt so good to be there with her with all of the fresh air. I love my time there with her as strange as that may sound. I said my see ya later and off I went to the hospital. The appointment went pretty good for the most part. A nurse came in and gave me a flu shot. They had just received a new batch of them so I was lucky they told me. I guess a lot of pregnant women there were coming down with the flu so it's a good thing I got the shot. The H1N1 shot wasn't available. They should be getting more next week so I'll try then when I go in for my ultrasound. I was highly against getting it at first but I quickly changed my mind. Well actually Joe changed my mind and I'm glad he did. Anything that I can do to keep my baby safe is what I will do. I don't want to take my chances. Too many people around me have been getting the swine flu and that's something that I do not want. So hopefully I'll get it next week.

My doctor was on vacation so her partner came in to see me. She was annoying. The way she was asking about Mila was just weird to me. She was missing a sensitivity chip. Whatever. I'm just glad she's not my doctor. Lil Joey's heart beat was 140. It sounds perfect. She found it right away. My next appointment is in 4 weeks. That's where we'll decide how we're going to monitor the rest of my pregnancy. It most likely means more visits and blood work taken to monitor my bile acid levels. I pray that they stay as normal as possible for as long as possible.

When I got home I started feeling a little sick and sure enough BAM! I was sick. I missed work two days. I didn't want to get the other pregnant mommy sick =) Ugh but I felt so horrible. That damn flu shot! It's ok though. I'm over it. I'm back to my routine. I stayed in bed for those two days and my God this baby moves so much more than I thought. He was non stop moving! But that's what I like to feel. A wonderful active baby!

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 7.6 inches and your growing baby weighs about 12.25 ounces now! Your uterus is about 2 cm above your bellybutton. Your baby's body continues to grow and develop every day. The organ systems in your baby's body are becoming specialized for their particular functions. The fetal liver produces different enzymes than it will produce after delivery. The liver is responsible for breaking down billirubin, which is produced by the breaking down of blood cells. Because the life span of a fetal red blood cell is shorter than that of an adult, a fetus produces more billirubin than adults do. Billirubin passes from fetal blood to the placenta and then into your blood. Your liver helps get rid of fetal billirubin. A newborn baby that has high levels of billirubin may show signs of jaundice. Jaundiced babies have a yellowish tint to their eyes and skin and are often treated with phototherapy. Your baby's senses are developing daily. The fetus now has a full complement of neurons in the brain and is learning about her body and surroundings through touch. Touch is one of the first senses to mature and your baby may stroke its face or feel her arms and legs. Your blood volume has increased more to meet the demands of your pregnancy. Most of the increase is in the form of plasma, the liquid part of your blood. This has the ability to dilute your blood and give you physiological anemia, which occurs during pregnancy. The measure of blood dilution is called Hematocrit and the levels reach their lowest points this week. You should check with your doctor to make sure you are not developing more serious forms of anemia. Your baby now shows an extremely rapid brain growth (which lasts until five years after birth).

~Tomorrow we start week 23

Happy Halloween!!!!

21 Weeks....

2009-10-23T07:30:00.003-05:00

I had no leg cramps this week so that was great. The baby's been moving everywhere and now Joe and I can see my belly move when Joey kicks. Joe's voice gets the baby so excited. Whenever I first see Joe after work and he talks to my belly, Joey goes crazy! It's like he knows that's his daddy. Mila would always do the same thing too. I love it. I love that they can have a bond with him like that even while in the womb.

It started off as a pretty shitty week. My emotions were everywhere, but every day that I would wake up, I started over. Everyday to me is a fresh new start. By the end of the week, I'm feeling so much better. I try just to stay at peace with myself. I try to have appreciation for every thing that I get. I try to be a more loving person. I am/was a grudge holder. I'm changing that. I've learned that there's nothing so horrible someone has done to me to make me hate them. So yes, I don't hate anyone. If you think you are hated by me, you're not. On the contrary, I have love for those who have taught me valuable lessons in this life. I thank those who've helped mold me to the person I am today. Anyone up for a fresh new start? I am. So I will be here, at peace in that aspect of my life. Now if you hate me, that's a whole other story. Just know I apologize for whatever nonsense I have caused.

All you need is love....
It took having my little family to realize that and it has made me a happier person.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's blood circulation is completely functional. The umbilical cord system continues to grow and thicken as blood travels with considerable force through the body to nurture the baby. The placenta is now almost equal in size to the baby. Your baby will be getting much larger during the second half of your pregnancy. Your baby's crown-to-rump length at this time is 7.2 inches and she weighs approximately 10.5 ounces. Your growing baby is about the size of a large banana. You should be able to feel your uterus about a half of an inch above your navel. Your weight gain so far will be around 10 to 15 pounds. Your baby's different organs and systems are maturing. The fetal digestive system is functioning in a simple way and your baby can swallow amniotic fluid. After your baby swallows the amniotic fluid, she is able to absorb water and sugars from the fluid and then the waste is passed as far as the large bowel. Your baby swallows the amniotic fluid in order to prepare itself for life outside of the womb. Some babies consume as much as 17 ounces of amniotic fluid in a 24-hour period. Your baby already has a high number of red blood cells and the white blood cells are beginning to be produced. Taste buds are being formed on your baby's tongue this week also.

~Tomorrow we start week 22

20 Weeks....

2009-10-16T07:46:00.002-05:00

THE HALFWAY MARK! My love took me out to dinner for a mini celebration. I started the week with a new attitude. A more positive one. And it's made me a happier person. Exactly what I want my lil man to feel. At the same time, I've cried more in this week than in previous weeks. They were much needed tears. No sobbing, just tears. It's a step up. My lil girl dried them away. It makes me feel better. I miss her so much, but I know she is with me always. It's comforting to know that. I've been reading a lot more about Cholestasis. If I'm going to get it again, I want to be as prepared as I could be. I started reading blogs from woman who've had it. I'm tired of reading all of the medical websites about it. I think I've read every single one out there. I believe that reading about actual woman who have gone through it can be very helpful. It gives me a sense of hope.

Well Joey has been kicking me harder and harder each day. I love it. However it does freak me out how hard they are going to get once he gets bigger. He's about the size of a banana right now. It makes me giggle when I read weekly updates about pregnancy and they compare your child to fruits. I've been forever having to go to the bathroom too! It's nonstop. I honestly think he is jumping up and down on my poor bladder. And last but not least, those dreaded leg cramps have begun! Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!! I thought I was going to be on the clear this time around since I hadn't experienced them, but oh boy was i wrong. I've woken up almost every night this week with the most intense pain in my calf. At least I know now how to get rid of them. I just get up and start walking. It usually goes right away. So much for wishful thinking, hehehe.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

This week marks the half way point of your pregnancy. It has been 18 weeks since the date of conception and your baby's crown-to-rump length is 5.6 to 6.4 inches. The fetus weighs about 9 ounces and your belly definitely has an obvious bulge. Your waistline has expanded and is no longer visible. Your uterus has now moved up enough that it is pushing your abdomen outwards. The top of your uterus is even with or just below your navel. Your baby's skin begins to thicken this week and will develop four layers. Your baby's sebaceous glands secrete a waxy substance called vernix caseosa. Your baby will be born with this wax and it will look like paste. The vernix caseosa is crucial because it protects the fetus' fragile skin from the continuous immersion in amniotic fluid. Lanugo hairs secure the vernix caseosa in place and it is thick around the eyebrows. Scalp hair and toenails are beginning to form at this point. Hair can also be seen on the upper lip and eyebrows.

~Tomorrow we start week 21

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day ~ October 15th....

2009-10-15T23:08:00.002-05:00

and on this day I light a candle for you my little angel. I hope you can see it from where you are. I love you and miss you each and every day. You are my sunshine babygirl. You will always be.

19 Weeks....

2009-10-09T08:01:00.003-05:00

Relax, take a deep breath, and go on with your life. My daily routine. This week has gone by a bit better. Dreaming of my lil man. I can't wait to meet him. I've been hit with so many similarities between him and Mila. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I'm in a whirlwind of emotions. They move pretty much the same, at the same time of the day, the same schedule. But I wouldn't want it any other way. So I just relax, take a deep breath, and go on with my life.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is 5.2 to 6 inches this week. Your baby weighs approximately 7 ounces and will increase its weight more than 15 times between now and birth! One of the most amazing aspects of your baby's growth and development is that of the fetal brain. Your baby's brain is one of the first organs to appear. Your baby's oversized head shows the brain's importance in his development. Because the nerves that connect the muscles to the brain have grown into place, your baby's movements are consciously directed. Your baby's ears stand out from the sides of the head and the buds for your baby's permanent teeth appear. Your baby's arms and legs have reached their relative proportions and his feet are approximately one inch long.

~Tomorrow is 20 Weeks!

18 Weeks....

2009-10-05T08:30:00.004-05:00

Not much of a difference from the last week. I'm feeling lil Joey move so much more. It's the greatest feeling, except when he decides to jump on my bladder like a trampoline. I've been thinking a lot about the day we meet lil Joey. I hope for the best in everything. I pray to God that he gets to be apart of this world.

I've been getting anxiety attacks here and there. I know I haven't mentioned to much about them but I have. Sometimes I let out a river a tears with any little trigger. I just breathe, count to ten, and know that it's ok. I've been getting agravated with what comes out of other people's mouths. For example, I've been asked the stupidest questions like are you scared for the big day? Duh, I've been through child birth already. How stupid of a question is that? How the hell do they think I delivered my daughter? And the whole "you're going to be a mommy!" I feel like I already am a mother. In fact I know I'm a mother. A mother to two beautiful children. I know these statements weren't made to upset me, but they did. Ha and the best one of all.... is smoking weed bad for your baby, Gee let me guess, is smoking bad for you..... YES!!!! So the answer to that is a million times YES!!!! And what the hell was I asked that for anyway? That's it, I'm done with dumb insensitive comments!

I know there's a lot of bitching on this post but one more thing. Blaming pregnancy hormones for everytime I'm mad, really? Does it ever occur to anyone that sometimes it's just assholes that make us that mad with their idiot ways and not our hormones at all?

Ok, now I'm done. I'm going to relax count to ten and stop my crying. I want to start over fresh and new on this Beautiful Monday morning. I'm going to try my hardest not to let the little things bother me. I'm going to try to be at peace.

And I'll end with this....
We are so happy and blessed that there is a lot of love that surrounds Joey and Mila. I'm blessed to have family and friends that are so supportive, loving, and caring toward our little family. I wouldn't want it any other way. We are very lucky!

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

By week 18 of your pregnancy, your baby's crown-to-rump length is 5 to 5.5 inches long. Your baby continues to develop fat layers and weighs about 5.25 ounces. Your baby will continue to grow and develop, but the rapid growth will slow down for a little while. You will be able to feel your uterus just below your bellybutton. If you put your fingers sideways to measure, you can feel your uterus about two finger-widths below your bellybutton. At this point of your pregnancy, your uterus is approximately the size of a cantaloupe. Although weight gain varies from woman to woman, your total weight gain at this point should be 10 to 13 pounds. Around this time, your baby becomes more sensitive to the outside world and shows her presence through powerful kicks and prods. The bones through which sound is passed to the inner ear have hardened and the parts of the brain that receives and processes nerve signals from the ears are developing. This means that your baby can hear now. Your baby will get used to familiar sounds, such as your heart beating, familiar voices, blood rushing through the umbilical cord and other daily routine sounds. Your baby will become startled if he hears a loud sound.

~I edited this post a bit.... I felt I needed to because some of the things I said may have hurt some feelings that I really didn't mean to hurt. I sincerely apologize.

and he's gonna be such a mama's boy....

2009-09-28T07:29:00.002-05:00

It's a boy! Joe and I are ecstatic! We feel so happy to have been blessed with such a beautiful babygirl and now a babyboy. I can not wait to meet this little sweet heart. The ultrasound went great. Everything looked as healthy as can be. He was head down so I pretty much had to be tilted way back to get the baby to move. He weighs about 8 ounces now and his tiny heart was beating at 171 I believe. He was waving his tiny hands around the screen and sucking his thumb. My heart melted. When we were told it was a boy I let out joyful tears. I couldn't help it. I did the same with Mila. There's something about finding out what your baby is that gets the best of me. It feels that much more real. I don't think I'd ever be able to wait for a delivery surprise but give credit to those that do. This lil guy has been moving so much more since we found out. I love feeling him. He's been so active. It's such a nerve calmer.

Saturday Joe and I made our way to the cemetary. It was a cloudy day but as soon as we drove into the cemetary, the clouds up above us seemed to separate to let the most beautiful sun ray in. Almost as though it was leading our path. We first went to visit Pat for his birthday. We got to see his family so that was real nice. We chatted for a while then went to see Mila. We sat down cleaned it up a bit and placed 4 flowers near her. One for each of us. It felt so good sitting there just talking. My whole little family! We could have sat there forever, but the cemetary was closing and well we pretty much got kicked out by some creepy man. I thought it was a rude but we kind of got a laugh out of it.

5 months left to go..... here's hoping that it flys by.

17 Weeks....

2009-09-25T07:27:00.002-05:00

Weird, weird, weird dreams this week. I dreamt that the terminator was having my baby. LOL. It was a bit disturbing. Plus every other night I have been having just as crazy dreams that I can't really remember. My gums have also been bleeding everytime I brush. I look like a vamp who just bit someone. Along with that my veins in my chest are getting more visible. Not to attractive. I've felt the baby move so much more. The best part is that Joe finally felt those kicks too! It was on Wednesday. Three hard kicks! It brought tears to my eyes from the excitement. Today is our big ultrasound and I can not wait to see our lil babe on that screen! Hoping and praying that the lil babe is healthy as can be and hoping we also find out what we are having. I'll update as soon as I know. =)

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's weight has doubled in two weeks and now weighs about 3.5 ounces! The crown-to-rump length of your growing baby is 4.4 to 4.8 inches. If you spread your hand out opened wide, you can see about how big your baby is. Huge changes continue to take place within your developing baby. This week fat begins to form and will continue to do so until he is born. Fat is important to the body's heat production and metabolism. Right now, at 17 weeks, water makes up about 3 ounces and fat 0.018 ounces of your baby's body. In a baby at term, fat makes up about 5.25 pounds of the total average weight of 7.7 pounds. The placenta is continuing to grow at an amazing rate. The placenta will continue to develop in tandem with the fetus and it will weigh more than a pound at birth! By this week, the placenta is large and well established with a network of blood vessels that exchange nutrients and waste. The eyes are facing more forward. The ears are now close to their final position. Your baby is more flexible with ability to move head, mouth, lips, arms, wrists, hands, legs, feet, and toes. Fingerprints are forming now.

~Tomorrow we start week 18

16 Week....

2009-09-18T07:54:00.003-05:00

There really is a baby in there!!!! I've exploded in this past week. I feel so much bigger and not being able to hide my beautiful belly any longer. I've been experiencing braxton hicks contractions. They're not bad, once I move positions they go away. I tried to get Joe to feel them yesterday but by the time he made it to my belly, they stopped. Can't wait to feel this lil babe start kicking! One more week until the big ultrasound. I can not wait. I just pray that my baby is nice and healthy. That's all I wish for. That's all we want. I finally took some belly shots so I'll have to share them on here once I upload them to my computer. I just get so lazy sometimes. I also scanned my three previous ultrasound pics so I can't wait to post them. Time is flying!!!!

~Tomorrow we start week 17

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

At this point of your pregnancy, your baby is approximately 4.3 to 4.6 inches long and weighs 2.8 ounces. Not only is your baby growing, your uterus and placenta continue to grow to accommodate the growing baby inside of you! Just six weeks ago, your uterus weighed about 5 ounces. This week it now weighs 8.75 ounces! The amniotic fluid that surrounds the baby is increasing and there is about 7.5 ounces of fluid. You will easily be able to feel your uterus approximately three inches below your navel. Five and a half inches tall and only six ounces in weight. The child can grasp with his hands, kick, or even somersault. At this time, your baby is holding her head erect. Because her muscles are developing, she can make some faces now. Your baby is able to squint, frown and open its mouth. There is enough calcium in the bones that they will show up on an x-ray. Your baby's fingernails are well formed now and the legs are longer than the arms. Because your baby is moving well now, you may begin to feel his movements! Some women say that the early movements feel like gas bubbles or a slight flutter. If you have not yet felt the baby move, don't worry. Fetal movements are usually felt between the 16th and 20th week of pregnancy.

15 Weeks....

2009-09-11T07:51:00.002-05:00

It was a short work week and so this week just flew right by. I had a doc appointment on Tuesday and everything went great. It was a follow up from the ER visit. My doctor checked my cervix and everything looked great. The bleeding is a mystery I guess. She assured me that it happens sometimes and not seeing it again is a good thing. I feel I bit more relaxed. She brought out the doppler and got the baby's heart beat right away. 145! I sounded beautiful. Then doctor G came in to say hi and to chat for a little bit. They are such nice doctors! I love them. I had some bloodwork done and off I went. The big ultrasound is in 2 weeks from today. Can't wait!

I have been feeling the "flutters" more and more each day. It's only a matter of time before this lil babe starts beating me up so daddy could feel. =) My belly is getting a little bit bigger so it might be time to let the rest of the people that don't already that I am pregnant. I can still hide it pretty well so we'll just have to wait and see what my mood is.

According to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is approximately 4 inches and she now weighs approximately 1.75 ounces. Your baby is close to the size of a softball. Your baby is growing at an amazing rate and looking more like a human every day. Because your baby's skin is so thin, you are able to see blood vessels through the skin. Lanugo hair covers your baby's body, but it will be gone when your baby is born. The hair on the eyebrows and head continues to grow. Some babies are born with little or no hair and others have a head full of hair! If you have an ultrasound at this point, you might be able to see your baby sucking its thumb. Even though the eyes continue to move to the front of the face, they are still widely separated. Your baby's ears look like normal ears and continue to develop externally. The bones that have already formed continue to get harder and retain calcium. The baby is very mobile and flexible at this point. She can bend her arms at the elbows and wrists and she can also make a fist with her hands.

~Tomorrow we start week 16

and why are you in the high risk group....

2009-09-09T07:50:00.001-05:00

I wish I didn't have to keep answering that.

14 Weeks....

2009-09-04T08:21:00.002-05:00

We had quite a scare. I can safely say everything with our lil babe is ok. I had some bleeding and went to the hospital to get everything checked out. The whole time in the waiting room I could not stop shaking. I kept praying and begging God that everything would be ok. I tried keeping positive thoughts in my head. Not thinking about the worst but bracing myself for it just in case. The only one keeping me calm was Joe. We went through all of the steps. After everything I was finally off to get an ultrasould. It felt like a ton of bricks lifted off of my chest once we saw our lil babe moving across the screen. Joe let out a huge sign of relief. We couldn't stop staring at our precious lil babe. I let out tears of joy knowing that our lil babe looked safe. We were able to get some great pictures and off we went. Happy as can be!

I was a little bothered by the ultrasound tech. She asked me what number pregnancy this was. I said my second. She then asked what I had at home, I responded with "I had a daughter" She then rudely turned to me and said "had, what you mean had" Really? She heard what I said. That means I don't have my babygirl with me. What a stupid ignorant person. I continued to tell her what happened to my Mila. All she could say was sorry, but I know she wasn't.

She did give us a guess of what she thinks we're having. But I won't tell until I know for sure. Just 3 more weeks. Can't wait.

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:

You are now in your second trimester! Your baby's crown to rump length is 3.2 to 4.5 inches long and he weighs approximately 1 ounce now. Your baby is about the size of the average fist. At this time, your baby's face is becoming more developed. The cheeks and bridge of his nose appear and the ears move from the sides of his neck to much higher on his head. The eyes continue to come closer together. A big development from this week onward is the development of lanugo. Lanugo is the fine hair that grows over almost your entire baby. The hairs grow in whirled patterns that follow the grain of his skin. These patterns later give way to your baby's fingerprints. The lanugo will be shed before birth and replaced by thicker, coarser hairs. Your baby's thyroid gland has matured and starts to produce hormones. If your baby is a boy, the prostate will appear and the ovaries descend from the abdomen into the pelvis in baby girls. The embryo`s soft cartilage is now being replaced with ` real` chalk bones. Your baby has eyebrows, but no eyelashes. Fine, light hair also begins to grow.

~Tomorrow we start week 15

Hush Now....

2009-08-29T23:09:00.005-05:00

The ignorance of some people is astonishing. It comes in many different ways, shapes, and forms. How can people not control what they say at times? How can they sit there and judge your way of being so comfortably? How can they not see each and every person is an individual, unique if you will? How can they not see it's rude, hurtful, insensitive?

News flash, I am me! I do what I feel is what I need to do. I do what I want. I live the way I live because I love life this way. Decisions I make are because I feel they should be made.

Bottom line, I like what I like because I fucking LIKE IT! Enough said. No explanation needed. Why is that so hard to understand? I don't get it one bit. Please someone tell me why people need to give their rude two cents in when it's not needed? Does it make them feel good to try to embarrass others with their tactics? Or I get it , it's the they have a low self esteem so you have to pick on people to raise it.

I'm sick of it! I'm tired of just taking shit like that. The next time I get shit like this, I will explode and make someone feel as shitty as they make me feel. Not what I like to do at all but oh well. I don't care if it wasn't "intended" and I understand you can't teach old dogs new tricks, but you can smack the shit out of them.

So when I say something that I do in my life that you don't because it's not your style, don't state your opinion. I did not ask for it. When I want it you will know. Until then, keep your insensitive jerk comments to yourself. So what if you don't like my style? You can suck it. You're either in my life because you want to be or have to be. I know how it goes. That still doesn't give you the right to say asshole things to me and get away with it. Not anymore.

So warning, the next time this happens and I'm a bitch just know, no it's not my pregnancy hormones in anyway, it's me and my true feelings. I'm done being pushed around like that. It's ridiculous I go out of my way to be polite, not to hurt other peoples precious feelings, but mine get stomped away? I've had enough. It finishes right here!

This is in no way intended to be directed at a single individual for I get this a lot because I'm not the "typical young lady" I should be.

Just Hush Now....

13 Weeks....

2009-08-28T07:25:00.003-05:00

Last day of week 13! Yay!!!! Time is not slowing down one bit. That's ok. I'm enjoying every bit of it. I have my bad days. I think I'm allowed to and it's healthier than keeping my emotions bottled up. I'm not one to just spill my feelings to make others feel awkward face to face. That's why I write here. Those who care to read can. And those who choose not to, that's ok too. I know I've contradicted myself before by saying I don't like to let my feelings out with strangers. Obviously this blog is open to all types of strangers, but I feel that if this can help some one else in any way by letting them into my process of healing, then it's well worth letting strangers into my life. That and those who know me but are scared of asking how I am or just want to know that I'm ok, well here you go. Here's a glimpse of how I'm doing and that I will be ok. Anyway....

I can't wait to feel my lil babe actually kick me hard enough so that daddy can feel. I know he can't wait either. That won't be for another couple of weeks though. I'm sure it'll go by fast. I'm feeling better. I have more energy. I'm definitely less crabby. That's always a good thing.

My mind is playing tricks on me. I dreamt of a baby girl twice now. Now I'm not to sure what to think we're having. I really really really hope we find out at our next ultrasound. It'll be a wonderful surprise either way. Things are going pretty well this week. Thanks to my loving fiance, this beautiful miracle growing inside of me, and my Mila who I know is with us always. I love my little family of 4....

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:

There is a milky membrane that surrounds your baby. It is pierced by the umbilical cord and is made up of two layers, which are fused together. Your placenta provides most of the nutrients and oxygen that your baby needs. By this week, the placenta is well formed and ready to take over hormone manufacture from your ovaries. The placenta will produce progesterone and estriol. These hormones will be crucial in the maintenance of your pregnancy. Tissue that will form your baby's bones is being laid down, especially around the head and limbs. The nose and chin are becoming more prominent. Your baby's eyelids meet and fuse together and they will not open again for nearly four months. The eyes started out on the side of your baby's head and they are now moving closer together on the face. The ears come to lie in their normal position on the sides of the head. If examined outside of the womb, you will be able to distinguish male from female at this time. The sockets for all twenty teeth are formed in the gums, and vocal cords are beginning to form.

~Tomorrow we start week 14
Second trimester here we come!

doc appt....

2009-08-26T08:18:00.002-05:00

I went to a doc appointment yesterday. It went freakin fantastic! I gained a pound so they were happy about that. I had a med student come in first and she seemed much more confident than the last. The first one I had was so soft spoken and nervous. She was really nice though as was this one. The one from yesterday was a talker. She was making me laugh the whole time. Anyway, everything looks normal. She found the baby's heartbeat right away! I love hearing that beautiful sound. It was at 155. Very normal which is what I love to hear. Then the real doc came in and talked to me for a bit. I had to reschedule the level II ultrasound so now it's on for the 25th of September. Booo, now I have to wait an extra week to find out what this lil babe is. That's ok. I think it's better that it got rescheduled. A week does make a difference in the baby's growth. I can't wait. It'll be here before I know.

I also went to visit my Mila yesterday. It was such a beautiful day. I was for the first time alone in that section. It felt kind of nice. I felt as if all of the babies there were flying over me. Then I spotted two fresh graves. I started to cry. I pray for those families to find hope. To find peace. To know that their babies will be ok.

I changed Mila's flowers and just sat there listening to music. So peaceful. For every tear that rolled down my cheek, a breeze came in and dried it away.

It was a beautiful day

I'm engaged....

2009-08-24T08:01:00.002-05:00

I'm engaged to the most loving, caring, most beautiful man in the world. I couldn't be happier. It was a beautiful proposal. I was so surprised and impressed. And this beautiful ring that he picked out on his own is perfect. He knows me so well. I'm excited for our future together. I love him with every inch of my soul. I can't wait until the day we walk down the isle as husband and wife! He's my everything!

12 Weeks....

2009-08-24T07:54:00.002-05:00

Well it was hell of a week. Of course I've written about mostly what happened so I won't bore with repeating it. I can't believe I'm done with the first trimester! It's going so fast and I'm glad it is. I can't wait to meet this lil babe! 6 more months to go....

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is almost 2.5 inches and she now weighs between 8 and 14 grams! In just three weeks, your baby's size has more than doubled and begins to look a lot more human. Even though you won't be able to feel your baby moving at this time, you can stimulate him and he will squint, open his mouth and move his fingers or toes.

Because most of the structures are already formed at this point, few will be formed after this time. The structures will continue to grow and develop throughout the remainder of your pregnancy. Your baby's skeletal system now has centers if bone formation in most of the bones. The digestive system is capable of making contractions that push food through the bowels and it is also able to absorb sugar. The pituitary gland beginning to make hormones. You will probably be able to hear your baby's heartbeat with a Doppler at this time!

Your baby develops reflexes and the skin is very sensitive. The brain is fully formed, and the child can feel pain. the baby may even suck his thumb. The eyelids now cover the eyes, and will remain shut until the seventh month to protect the delicate optical nerve fibers.

I wish....

2009-08-19T16:06:00.003-05:00

So here I am in the middle of week 12. I've been quite sensitive this week. That pretty much explains my earlier blog. I do love my family. They mean everything to me. I've just taken comments made on a more serious level than they are meant. I should know better.

My emotions have been on a rollercoster ride. They are only at a stand still when I'm with Joe. Oh how I love being anywhere near him. He's my rock. I usually let out a river of tears on my way home from work when I'm by myself. I start thinking about lots of things. It's a tornado of thoughts up there causing a storm of sad tears, angry tears, joyful tears, and terrified tears.

I wish things were different. I wish I would wake up from the terrible nightmare it is to lose a child. I wish I didn't know what it felt like. I wish my Mila was here with me. I hate knowing that our family will never be complete with her not here on this earth. But I know she safe and sound in Heaven watching over the three of us. I pray that she's watching over her little brother or sister. I wish I could look into the future and know that this lil babe will make it home with us. I wish not to get Choleastasis again. Oh how I hate statistics. There's a 72% chance of getting it again. It keeps me up at night. I hate hate statistics. I wish I would have been taken seriously when I spoke about my symptoms. I wish I wasn't so naive to place my entire trust on those doctors. Assholes! I have to learn to forgive them but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I'm still in a whirlwind of sadness and anger with them to do so. They are at the top of my shitlist. Actually they are the only ones on it. I wish I would never see the pain in Joe's eyes when I look deep into them. I wish I could take it all away from him. He's one of the strongest people I know. I wish he didn't have to go through this. But in a selfish way I'm glad that I'm not alone. I've said it before, I would have self destruct long ago. I wish that all mother's in the entire world didn't have to know what it feels like to have to bury their own child.

I could only wish....

not so great....

2009-08-17T08:04:00.003-05:00

I had a not so great weekend. I haven't been feeling well emotionally or physically. A lot of things have been taking a toll on me. I've been having this real uneasy feeling in me that I can't shake off. Like I'm losing my breath. I've also been naucious for the most part.

I've been feeling like I'm being pushed to the side. The way my family treats me sometimes I swear! It's not at all like they treat me horribly, but they do things or say things that are really hurtful sometimes and don't realize it. Ugh

11 Weeks....

2009-08-14T07:48:00.003-05:00

So this is the end to week 11. It was a long week. I slept a whole lot again! I got to see my baby which was such a treat. I also started thinking a lot about my attitude or should I say frustration toward people (pregnancy mood swings i guess.) Overall I'd say it was a decent week. I'm having trouble finishing my dinners though. I get naucious half way through anything I eat. I'm really forcing it down to gain that weight the doc wants me to gain. I didn't feel like this with Mila which again is leading me to believe I'm having a boy. I actually dreamt again that I had a little boy last night. I will be surprised if I'm having a little girl. I guess we'll have to wait 5 more weeks to find out! Hopefully!

I've been getting frustrated with some people lately. I plan to change that. I just simply wont let them bother me! Easier said than done but it has to be done for mine and my baby's sake. I'm going to think positive! Anything annoying said to me or stupid, I'll just brush it off. I promise myself I won't talk bad about anybody. If i have something to say about them, I'll say it to their face as politely as possible. I'll try this the best I can. We'll see how this week goes. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Today we go for another ultrasound so I get to see this lil babe once again. I'll post ultrasound pics as soon as I hook up my scanner, if I can find the cords for it. I'll just have to get my lazy ass up to do it. ugh!

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:

Your baby continues to grow and is now approximately the size of a large lime! The crown-to-rump length of your developing child is 1.75 to 2.4 inches. The weight of the fetus is approximately 8 grams at this point. The growth of your baby is phenomenal now and your baby's length will double in the next three weeks. The head is grossly out of proportion and is almost half of the baby's length.

This is the last week of the embryonic period. From now on, your baby will be called a fetus. Your baby's fingernails appear this week! External genitalia are beginning to show distinguishing features and the development of male or female will be complete in three weeks. The placenta's blood vessels increase to provide your baby with the nutrients and oxygen he needs for continued growth. Your baby's ears are gradually moving from the neck towards the sides of his head. Inside of your baby's abdomen, the intestines are developing. Because the intestines are so large, some of them project into the umbilical cord and they will return to the abdomen within the next week or two.

At the size of a plumb, your baby is now able to swallow. The urinary system functions. The baby swallows and urinates the amniotic fluid and the fluid is continually replaced. The baby is kicking but the mother cannot feel it yet. All vital organs are formed and, for the most part, function normally. From now on, they will grow in size and efficiency. As a preparation for breastfeeding, your baby now has learned to swallow. Babies swallow amniotic fluid in the uterus.

~Tomorrow is the start of week 12

then the baby looked at me....

2009-08-12T09:28:00.004-05:00

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Hahaha, love Ralph. I can watch him for days. Anyways, I thought I'd jot down what happened at my appointment yesterday. Well I was suppose to see the lady doc, I forget her name.... how horrible of me, but to my surprise I saw My wonderful doctor. I'll call him doctor G. I really love him. He said everything looked great but that I had to gain some weight. I've lost three pounds since my first appointment. To my defense though I lost 8 pounds with Mila in my first trimester so I think 3 isn't too bad. And I do eat as much as I could when I could.

He then had me lay on the bed and to my surprise he was going to do an ultrasound so that I could see the baby and so that he can check on my ovarian cyst. It was pretty cool I've never had a surprise ultrasound. It was a little portable one so I didn't get a picture but I don't care. I got to see my lil babe and that's all that matters! And boy was the lil babe active. As much as I hate calling the baby "IT", it was moving it's arms everywhere! All in front of it's lil face and waving at the screen.... I really felt our lil babe was waving at me though =P. So yea the baby looked at ME. Hehehe! It was truly a wonderful sight and my God how they grow so quickly! Just about 3 weeks ago it was just a lil peanut. It truly brings tears of happiness to my eyes.

I then went to the cemetary to share the news with my Mila and to change her flowers. I tried to stay as long as I could but was chased away by bees. I hate bees and the last thing I need is to get stung by one. So I said a quick prayer and left. Shared my news with my fam and went to sleep. Over all it was a good day.

10 weeks....

2009-08-07T07:34:00.005-05:00

I wanted to give weekly updates of this pregnancy somewhat like I did with Mila. I regret that I erased all of my blogs from when I was pregnant with her. It was out of my control when I did that. I wasn't thinking straight. But who would in that situation right? Well I've been so lazy and have been doing pretty much nothing these past couple of weeks. Exhaustion has been kicking my ass. So far this pregnancy has been alot similar to Mila's. However, at the same time they are completely different. It's a completely different lil person inside of me. My second child! And for that, I am so greatful that God has blessed us once again. I feel lucky to know that we really don't have a problem getting pregnant. Once again this was a complete surprise. But one of the best I've ever had. We knew we wanted to have more kids but didn't think it would happen so soon.

So far in this tenth week everything has been going great. My ovary has been bothering me from time to time but no pain, so that's good news. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face just thinking that a lil baby is growing in my womb. It's an incredible feeling. I think it's safe to say that my mood swings have been in control for the most part. At least this week they have. It could be due to the fact that I've been sleeping all day long, all week long! I swear that I've felt this lil miracle move. I just know that I felt something swimming around in there. I know it wasn't just gas lol! Anyway, I pray for a healthy 6-7 months. I want to be able to take this lil babe home. But for now I'll be as patient as possible and as calm as possible. I've been trying to contain the amount of nervousness that I'm feeling. There's no need to stress the lil babe out so I try thinking about good thoughts. I'm aware of what could happen, but I won't let that ruin this pregnancy! This blessing!

And one more thing, as I know I keep babbling on, I've been really bothered by some people lately with the way they are acting as if this pregnancy is a "do-over." It really hurts my feelings when they don't acknowledge Mila. She was a real person and will continue to be for the rest of my life. Mila was my first child and will always be my first daughter. This little babe is my second. I just wanted to make that clear! I know most people just don't know how to act in these situations but if you're going to be in my life or comment about something in my life like my babies, then learn to be more considerate. These are two different pregnancies, two different souls!

Two different hearts that I love to pieces!

According to www.i-am-pregnant.com:

At this point of your pregnancy, the crown-to-rump length of your developing baby is 1.25 to 1.68 inches. It is now easier to tell how much the baby weighs since he is beginning to put on some weight. Your baby weighs approximately 5 grams and is the size of a small plum! The baby has grown an incredible amount during these past few weeks, but you still aren't showing too much yet.

This week is somewhat of a landmark for your developing baby. By now, your baby's complete body plan is laid down. Your baby will continue to develop and grow for the remainder of the pregnancy. The fingers and toes have separated and the tail has disappeared now. Your baby has taste and tooth buds at this point, which will continue to develop. The brain will continue to grow at an amazing rate and nearly a quarter of a million new neurons are produced every minute! The embryonic heart is completely developed. External genitalia are not apparent until next week, but a male's testes will already be producing testosterone.

~Tomorrow is the Start of week 11

7 weeks 5 days....

2009-07-16T11:26:00.002-05:00

That's how far we are along! That's right, my eggo is preggo. I've known since 4 weeks along. i woke up Saturday morning POAS and BFP! I ran to wake Joe up and well we were in shock. Not an expected pregnancy but a wonderful suprise. We cried from the excitement. It was quite overwhelming. So now here I am. I'm so tired and hungry. I've been showing since I found out. Actually right now I look like I did when I was about 3-4 months pregnant with my Mila. My mom keeps joking that I have twins in there. I'm so happy but I am bracing myself for what can happen. I know what can happen this time. I won't be so naive about it. But I will cherish each and everyday with this blessing. It is a true blessing. One that will be with me as long as God wants. I was so cautious about telling people. I'm just so scared of what might happen but screw that. I'm going to enjoy this pregnancy just like I did with Mila. Next week I'll be able to schedule an ultrasound. Wish us luck

frustration....

2009-07-11T21:04:00.000-05:00

it gets you nowhere. Meh i don't care if anyone thinks im being a bitch. I have every right to feel frustrated. And now im just plain fuckin annoyed.

vent....

2009-07-09T09:30:00.002-05:00

You tell someone not to share your business. You SPECIFICALLY tell someone to please keep something so fragile private. And what happens.... yup they blab your business to others. Especially to the biggest gossip queens. How can someone be so stupid not to follow ones wishes.

Tool I swear

It's ok. Not a shocker at all.

weeks....

2009-06-23T08:58:00.004-05:00

I was just looking through my pictures and I came across this

I miss this!

la cucaracha....

2009-06-19T11:43:00.000-05:00

I love being with friends.

Flaming Karina

run ins....

2009-06-19T07:08:00.002-05:00

What do you do when a person you haven't seen since high school starts asking you about your life and how many kids you have?

My answer is simple, I have a daughter who I love and miss with all of my heart. I acknowledge my daughter. I'm sorry if this makes it awkward for others but I will never say I don't have one. I don't do this so people can feel sorry for my family. I don't say this to get attention. I say it because it's the truth. I love my babygirl and she's real. And no matter how simple I respond to that question without a tear in my eye, I feel it. I feel like crying but I don't. I may say it like it's not a big deal but it is. I just don't let my feeling out with strangers.

I've only once ignored someone who asked me how my daughter was and I felt like punching her in the face. I know it's not her fault and I know she didn't mean harm by it. I guess I just don't like her. I also had a severe case of drunkness so that could have been it too. I felt so horrible after that. I couldn't believe I couldn't answer her. Never again.

I have a daughter. Her name is Mila Jolie Cervantes and she flies with the angels all day long. I love her and miss her always. She's always on my mind and in my heart!

dreams....

2009-06-15T08:39:00.002-05:00

I had a dream last night. It was about a baby boy. I'm not sure if he was mine or not but it sure seemed like it. Anyway he was under a year old but for some reason he was able to talk. Well actually all he can do is count. He was counting in spanish all the way past 20. It was really weird. Then I took him by his hands and walked around with him in a spiral. It was a nice dream. Much better than I've had lately.

Yesterday we went to see Mila's headstone. It was finished. On the way there I saw a beautiful white bird flying above us. I couldn't stop starring at it. Well we got there, we saw it and I cried. It was beautiful for what it was. It killed me to see my daughter's name on it. But at the same time she deserves recognition so I can't wait until it's installed. I've gone to the cemetary a couple of times already and have wept over graves that weren't Mila. I wept alot especially because I couldn't find her and I did'nt know which one she was. Well yesterday we finally found exactly which one it was thanks to my lovely sis who asked where it was a couple of days ago. We went there after we saw the headstone. Her grave was decorated so pretty, again thanks to my sis. We put more things around like these beautiful flowers Joe and I picked out and signs that his mom bought. We sat there and cried not really saying anything. Joe just held me and I held him. It was a beautiful sunny day yesterday and I didn't want to leave. But we did. We'll be back once the headstone is in place. I can't wait.

I feel somewhat at peace when I'm near her. I know she's with me always, but there is something about that place. Something so comforting I guess. It's just really beautiful and colorful there. Nothing like I usually see cemetaries to be. There's flowers everywhere and sign and balloons galore. There are always people there when I go too so it's nice to know I'm not alone.

We're not alone....

January....

2009-06-03T11:56:00.004-05:00

January's Flower: Carnation

Botanical name : Dianthus

Meaning : Whimsical , Fanciful , Capriciousness, Fascination,

Destination Carnations were known as "Jove's Flower" in ancient Rome as a tribute to one to their beloved gods. In Korea, a young girl places three carnations in her hair to tell her fortune. If the top flower dies first, her last years of life will be difficult; if it's the middle flower, her earlier years will bring the most grief. Worst of all, if the bottom flower dies first, the poor girl will be miserable the whole life! For the most part, carnations express love, fascination, and distinction. Light red carnations represent admiration, while dark red denote deep love and affection. White carnations indicate pure love and geed luck; striped symbolize a regret that a love cannot be shared. Green carnations are for St. Patrick's Day; purple carnations indicate capriciousness. Pink carnations have the most symbolic and historical significance. According to Christian legend, carnations first appeared on Earth as Jesus carried the Cross. The Virgin Mary shed tears at Jesus' plight, and carnations sprang up from where her tears fell. Thus the pink carnation became the symbol of a mother's undying love, and in 1907 was chosen by Ann Jarvis as the emblem of Mother's Day, now observed in the United States and Canadaon the second Sunday in May.

Stone : Garnet

~~~~It's all slowly coming together....

moving day #2....

2009-06-01T07:21:00.003-05:00

Well it was a sad goodbye to our apartment. We kicked our asses moving and at least its finally over. I'm so sore that I can barely walk. Saturday we moved pretty much everything. We didn't finish until about 10. It was a fucked up day. Meaning we are pretty much got shit faced and moved. Then Sunday came and we cleaned soooo much, I can still smell every single chemical we used to make that place look like new. And it did.

I'm gonig to miss that place so much. But I'm glad in a way that we put it behind us. That part of our life is over. Now we have one more moving day to go. Hopefully it will be our last for a while. Then I can finally set up my wall for Mila. Can't freakin wait.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to recover!

So long Wood Dale

Bye bye to our pretty view where I would sit just looking at the pond and the sky thinking of my babygirl. I will miss it....

dentist....

2009-05-22T07:59:00.002-05:00

I went to the dentist yesterday. They are the nicest people ever. The last time I was there was when I was pregnant with Mila. I had a feeling they were going to ask "how's your baby doing" Sure enough, they did. I told her what happened and she was so sorry. She gave me some encouraging words. God bless her. It's people like her that help me get by. Today marks four months without my Mila. Four months since I've seen her beautiful face. I will never forget the first time I saw her. A true princess. I miss her more and more each and every day.

Mommy loves you babygirl~

I now am starting to think of how I want her memory sketched on my body. The choices are narrowed down to starting a sleeve for her, or across my back above my dragons. Either way it will come out beautiful. Only the best for her!

nightmares....

2009-05-13T08:50:00.003-05:00

I had a terrible dream last night. I don't know where it came from or why my imagination led to such horrible thoughts. I was in the house I spent most of my childhood at. I was in the bathroom helping my dad fix the sink and out of no where a different man led me to my bedroom to watch TV. It was urgent that I turn the TV on and watch a show with him. As soon as I turned on the television I became the show. It felt so real. I was however only observing the children around me unable to move.

There were 4 children in total. 3 little girls and 1 boy. They ranged in ages from 1-4. We were in an old dark house. It was rainy outside. They couldn't see me. It's as if I were a ghost. One of the older girls took the one year old girl off of her high chair. She proceeded to play with her, making her laugh, having a great time. Spinning her round and round. All of a sudden the three older kids were surrounding the one year old. Then the girl stabbed the one year old in the back with a butcher knife. I felt the butcher knife go in her as if it were stabbing me. There was blood everywhere. It wouldn't stop. I gasped and screamed and no one could hear me. I tried moving to help the little girl but I was stuck. The other kids just laughed as there faces turned into monsters.... Then they turned slowly in my direction and noticed me.

I woke up, sweating, my heart pounding unbelievably fast. I turned around and held Joe as tight as I could. It was between 3-5 in the morning. I'm not too sure. I eventually fell asleep again. The dream kind of picked up where it left off. However the kids were being taken away and the one year old appeared to be fine. It seems like that was it because the next thing I know, it's 5:30 in the morning and my alarm went off waking me up.

Why would I dream of something so horrible....

the first....

2009-05-11T08:29:00.006-05:00

It's over. Mother's Day.... God was it hard. I woke up to a happy mother's day and a kiss on the cheek from my love. I wept. I felt so empty. I went to church and when the father asked all mother's to stand up for a blessing, I became paralyzed. I sat there and tears came rolling down. I couldn't take it. I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. Why couldn't I stand up? I'm a proud mother. But I just couldn't do it. With every text saying Happy Mother's Day, a tear dropped. Thank you to all of those who remembered about me. You won't believe how much it means to me. I was a little bit scared that no one would remember, so thank you! I received the most beautiful flowers from Joe and some more from his family. I'm so grateful to have them in my life. Thank you. From my family I received this beautiful bracelet with my babygirls name on it. I love it. Thank you soo much.

God I miss her. I wish I can hold her. When I came home I couldn't help but run into Joe's arms and cry. I let out a good cry. I was holding it in as long as I could and just couldn't take it. The rest of the night I stayed in his arms. I couldn't let go. I wouldn't let go.

I will never forget my Baby girl. After all, she is the one who made me a mother. I never knew a love so strong in my life before her. It's amazing what she has done to me. I have changed in so many ways. I miss her more and more each day. It's not any easier. I know people may think with time I'll feel better, but the truth is I will always feel empty. I will always be missing her. My pain will never be less than what it is at this moment.

She will always be the one who made us parents, who made us a family....

and that we will always be.

some poetry....

2009-05-08T07:47:00.005-05:00

I read this on a forum and thought it was so beautiful and I wanted to share....

~~I closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him say,A Mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice,"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God,I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here. "So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.~~

To all babylost mamas, Stay Strong. I pray for all of you.

Much Love,

Karina

day and night....

2009-05-06T08:50:00.003-05:00

I'm moving foward. So rapidly it seems. Tripping along the way. The days and nights come at me in a blur. I forget where I am in reality. I don't know how I got here or why. It's all very confusing to me. Instead of cruising through day by day, I feel as if I am speeding, running out of breath. And then I come to a hault. Something stops me. Or should I say someone. Memories bring me back to reality. Even if it's for a short time. I stop while I let a river flow through my eyes. The smoke lets out with each breath. I let absolutely no one see.

Then, I'm off again. Trying to catch that rainbow. Trying to find that peace. That tranquility. The shit through everyday life that just seems endless. I find myself occupied with whatever I can grasp. Loneliness is not an option. I hate it. Yet I feel it all the time. So i keep running. It's different everyday, yet the same. My heart pounding ridiculously fast, I feel one day it's going to tear and burst out of me. Just waiting on it. The "voice" in a whirlwind of thoughts. They can't be organized. They scream. They're endless. I stare blankly ahead. I'm not the same. I am not me. I am as close to being me only when I'm around him. I will only be me again once I'm with her.

I long to be with him.

I'll forever long to be with her.

I still feel her.

replay....

2009-05-04T22:43:00.000-05:00

That night keeps playing in my head. It screams in my ears. It doesn't stop. It never will.

monuments....

2009-05-04T07:21:00.006-05:00

Yesterday afternoon Joe and I went to get Mila's headstone. The whole time I was there my stomach was in knots. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. We picked the most beautiful one of all. It was as perfect as it could be considering what we were shopping for. It hurt so bad. The man helping us was nice. Ever notice how a persons voice changes when they're talking to you about certain things? His voice was soft and soothing. It was nice. Comforting. I almost started to cry when he was asking us what was going to be on it. I spelled out her name and said her date. It was hard. I miss my little angel.

Later on in the afternoon I went to see Michelles new place. It was beautiful. I loved it! Monica was there and she gave me my birthday present. I haven't seen her in so long it seemed. I opened a box and the most beautiful pearl bracelet was in there. It had two hearts and engraved on one was Mila on one side and God's Angel on the other. On the second heart was Karina and Joe and mommy and daddy on the other. It's perfect. I wanted to cry it was so beautiful.

I love my family. They're always there for me when I need them. So to my sister Monica, I love you. Thank you so much for the gift. I will cherish it forever.

one down....

2009-04-29T09:36:00.003-05:00

One down, two more to go. Moving out of Bolingbrook wasn't so bad. Seeing all the shit I had made me want to throw everything away and start new. Well everything but my memories. I want less crap to worry about. Usually I go through everything I own about once a season and end up throwing out bags of garbage. For some reason I feel the need to collect pieces of paper, that's mostly what I throw out. I actually found homework from high school the other day. Ugh, I hate clutter!

Well a so long to that room that I spent alot of my time with Mila. I'll miss it and I'll often think about it. Two more moving days to go.

moving day #1....

2009-04-28T07:39:00.003-05:00

So it's moving day #1. I have to move my things out of my Bolingbrook house. Can't believe it's almost May. Time is flyin, and there is no stopping it. Sometimes I'm glad it's going this fast, other times I feel like I need time to freeze. There's no way to conrol it either way. I need to slow down, take a breath in, and relax.

carly marie....

2009-04-24T10:23:00.004-05:00

Carly Marie is a wonderful woman from Australia. I came across her blog a little bit after I stared mine. I was just looking through people with the same interests as me and bam, I got hooked on her blog. She truly is amazing. She lost her baby boy about two years ago and reading everything she's been through helped me to try to get through the pain of losing Mila. She started a memorial page for anyone who has lost a child and she writes their names in the sand at a beach by her house. She named it Christian's Sea Shore after her son. And its so beautiful. She wrote Mila's name yesterday. It came out great. I absolutely love it. Thank you Carly. It's the best gift anyone could have given me.

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/search?q=mila

That's where you can find Mila's post on her blog.

Here's a link to her blog

birthdays....

2009-04-24T08:24:00.007-05:00

April = everyone's damn birthdays!! It's a great month! I'm so broke. Just this week alone I had my mom's, Mary's, and my Love's bday in a row. and there are still more to come. April is not over at all. They have all been great so far. Especially having had my wish come true, thanks babygirl. I've been all over the place this month. I just need to stop and breathe for a second. Me and Joe are closer and closer to getting our lil love shack. I can't wait. It's going to be perfect, I hope. Next week we're going to go get Mila's headstone. Not the best thing to go shopping for but I want my babygirl to have the best. I miss her so much, and only wish that she could be here with all of us. I know she's around though. I just feel it. It's a warm comforting feeling. Thinking of her keeps me sane. She makes me think so much more about life and the beauty it is. She clearly turned my life around and I love her for that. I love her with every inch of my body. And she knows that. I talk to her everyday to let her know. There isn't a moment that passes by that I don't think about her. She the light at the end of my dark tunnel. Oh how mommy misses her little girl! I'll see you again one day babygirl.

On Saturday I saw Mary. We talked outside the bar for a while about our lil angels. We talked mostly about how we just have a different outlook on life. And we were happy. Mary's been through one of the most difficult things you can possibly go through in this life, losing a baby. It was good to talk to someone in somewhat the same situation. Not to say that others don't know what it's like to lose your own child, but well in a way they don't and I'm glad that not many people I know have gone through the pain of it. It's just alot easier to talk to someone you can relate to. It sucks so bad that we had to go through this, but it was all apart of a greater reason that we just don't understand right now. And it also sucks how different people treat these types of situations. Like it's not a big deal. I haven't been around too many people like that at all, but I've heard stories of how people just don't think it's a big deal to lose a baby. Shame on them! They make me want to smack them over the head.

Anyways, I love ya Mary.

On Monday was my Mom's birthday. I love my mom! We took her out to eat and had a great time. I only wish I look half as good as she does when I'm her age. She's a beauty.

Wednesday was Joey's Birthday. It was by far one of the best. We went to the bar, got hammed, and then went home and had some more fun. Joe was making me and D laugh so hard that I think I now have a six pack underneath my fat. I haven't laughed like that in a long long time. I love him. He's hilarious. The next day we couldn't remember what triggered it. But whatever, it was funny. I love my hubby! and now that he is 23, he can stop calling me a cougar and a pedophile. (I'm 12 days older than him, and for those 12 days, every year he makes fun of me for dating a younger man.) It never fails. Hahaha I love him.

And then of course last weekend we went to the bar to celebrate Joe's, becky's and my birthdays. It was an awesome night. I love our family and friends! They are the best. So anyway, happy birthday to us!!!!

stars in the sky....

2009-04-13T07:30:00.003-05:00

This past weekend was my birthday weekend. It was amazing. I spent it with my love and my family. It pretty much started Thursday and didn't end until yesterday. My birthday was on Friday. It was nearly perfect. On Saturday while I was at my parents house, I wished that Mila would give me some sort of sign, just something to let me know she was there. I stepped outside, lit a cigarette, and played the song that reminds us of our little girl. I looked up at the sky and just stared at all the stars up above. All of a sudden one just started sparkling. It didn't stop. It made me so happy. My birthday wish came true!

my new years eve....

2009-04-09T19:09:00.000-05:00

Well this is my last day being a 22 year old, a year that I will never forget. So many things happened and so many things that will never be forgotten. And most importantly almost my entire 22nd year was dedicated to my babygirl Mila. Oh what year it has been. I now prepare myself for 23, my year of hope.

rainbow....

2009-04-03T09:48:00.003-05:00

I had this beautiful dream the other day. I remembered it yesterday while I was driving as the sun was setting. The only thing I can really remember is chasing a rainbow as the sun was setting. The colors were so vivid. They were staring down at me. It looked amazing. Like I could almost touch the rainbow if I reached a little further.

It just reminded me about my rainbow baby and how I long for one. It's ok, I have patience. I can wait as long as it takes. I really loved that dream. It's one of the best that I've had in a while. I hope I dream of it again.

I wonder if that's what it looks like all the time where Mila is at. Maybe she's on the other side staring at the same sky we all look at. Maybe she drew the rainbow for me. Oh the mysteries of this beautiful earth.

Mommy loves you Mila =)

sunny day....

2009-04-01T14:36:00.002-05:00

I feel good today. I don't know why, but I do. It's a beautiful day today. Maybe that's why. Life is full of beauty.

rainy day....

2009-03-31T08:41:00.005-05:00

I was around two babies this weekend. It was hard for me to be around them. I didn't think it would bother me too much, but it did. I was avoiding any situations like that because of fear of my reaction. I honestly don't think I can hold one that's not my own. I don't want it to bother me anymore, but it does. I tried to be around one of them but I just said hi to the lil guy I just darted straight into my room and just laid there in the dark. The lights were on, but it wasn't light enough for me not to feel in the dark. I feel like screaming sometimes. I feel like locking myself in a room and just letting loose. I lose sense of reality at times. I space out and forget where I am in this world. I feel so unattached from the Earth.

It's just mind trickery.

I have my bad days, and I have my good days. Looks like today is a bad one again.

Everything makes me cry now. I wasn't like this before everything happened. But now it's just uncontrolable. The only thing that used to get me to cry on cue was watching buffy die on the show, haha. I forever get made fun of for that. I wish that was the only thing that made me cry. And now the only time I feel at all comfortable is when I'm with Joe or my family. I feel like I can't go anywhere without him. I only feel at peace when I'm with him. He makes everything just that much better. I feel that I'm clinging on to him to much sometimes, you know like that annoying girlfriend. But I can't help it. I'm a mess when I'm not around him.

I hate this, what's happening to me?

I always thought of myself as a strong woman. But lately I've felt like the weakest one around. Like if anything touches me the wrong way, I would collapse. I'm feeling less and less independent. I fear I'm losing myself.

But I still have my faith in God and my Mila.... and that I will never lose.
That's what's getting me by.

strongest of feelings....

2009-03-27T22:43:00.000-05:00

I love my Mila! She's always near by. ALWAYS!

anniversary....

2009-03-24T07:24:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was our four year anniversary. I can't believe how long it's been. It's been an amazing journey through life with him so far. We've had some rough roads we had to overcome. We went through hell and back. But nevertheless it's all been worth it. I love him more and more every day.

I remember when we first started dating. It all started out so innocent. We would always hang out at the Camacho's just bullshit around. I had such a crush on him. Then we started hanging out on our own. The night he asked me out was the best night ever. It was like 3 in the morning, we were watching Roseanne in my room and we just started talking. Ha, i tried stealing his wallet and he kissed me. It was perfect. And from that day on, I knew he was it. It's hard to believe with us just being kids and all but I truly felt it at that moment.

Who would have thought that we would be where we are today. After everything we've gone through I'm so glad we are as close as ever. He's my best friend. He treats me better than anyone has ever treated me. I wake up every morning with a kiss from him. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday even if I'm at my worst. He listens to me about my day. He cooks for me. He tells me he loves me a million times a day. And when we go to bed he cuddles with me and fills me with kisses until we're sound asleep. What more can I ask for?

I love you with all of my heart and soul Joseph David Cervantes! You're my world baby.

and i love him....

2009-03-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

Joe is the love of my life!!!!

visiting day....

2009-03-16T18:32:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was the first time I stepped foot in a cemetary since we laid Mila down to rest. It was extremely hard. We first went to Pat's place. It was his four year anniversary. I can't believe how long it's been. As we stood there I just kept thinking about the last time I saw him. It was only about a week or two before he passed. I remembered it clearly. We were at elite. And I just kept thinking about my childhood and how he was a huge part of it along with Lizzy. I miss those days. The days without a care in the world. Climbing trees, playing kidnappers, just hanging out being kids. I loved those days. I love them. And now, I can't believe it's been so long ago. I hate that we all split our different ways. I wish it would have been different. I did a prayer for him and then left.

Mila was buried in the same cemetary. We went looking for her. She was buried with all the babies and kids that lost their lives. There's a big Angel statue looking over them. It's beautiful. We drove all around the cemetary looking for it. The day she was buried I couldn't even focus on where she was. I didn't want to believe it was happening. The crowd of people there was just a blur. And there were so many people there. I couldn't believe it. Joe and I felt loved but I hate that day. Everytime I think of it, I feel like throwing up. Picturing Joe carry our daughter to her last rest stop makes me sick. I fell to the floor when I saw that. My knee is still fucked up from it. But that's the least of my problems.

I finally spotted the angel and we circled around towards it. I couldn't hold in the tears. They just fell like waterfalls and rolled off my cheek. Section P, Lot 23, Block 11, Grave 2, those are her numbers. It kills me. There were two fresh grave sites there.... I didn't know which one was Mila's and I started to cry. I wanted to scream. I couldn't believe it. We're not allowed to put a headstone there until April. To think about headstones for my daughter is a horrible feeling that I never wish upon anyone to experience. Unfortunately mothers out there in the real world have to. I wish my babygirl could be here with me today. I really wish it could some how happen. I know it can't. I hate that.

I never thought I would go through something like this in my life. I never thought I would have to bury my first daughter. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

I feel this is killing me slowly.

It's not fair for anyone to have to go through this.

I pray for all mothers, fathers, and the rest of the families that have to go through this. I pray that they have the amount of support that was given to me and the love that was shown through all of the people close to me and Joey, and even the love of those that are not. I pray that they see the light at the end of the dark road that lies in front of them. I am searching for that light, and because of my faith in God, I know I will find it. I just have to search long and hard for it.

letters....

2009-03-05T21:09:00.004-06:00

Today an old child hood friend of mine wrote to me. She wanted to know how I was doing. She also wanted to know what happened to my Mila. It was the first time I wrote about everything that happened. Every sentence I wrote was like going through it all over again. I was only able to shortly sum it up. I dont think I have the courage to write everything right now. It was hard. I haven't even told too many people about what happened to MJ. They don't ask, so I don't tell. I just think people don't know how to approach it. I don't blame them. I probably wouldn't have known what to tell someone going through my situation without having gone through it already.

There are certain things that have been bothering me about the way people act around me. I know it's not done intentionally but it hurts. For example, having people say how much they miss their kids when they'll see them in a couple of hours. It's hurts so bad that I will never in this life time be able to see my beautiful baby. I will never be able to hold her, to kiss her, to see her eyes or smile. I never even got to see her eyes. But how to tell someone that it bothers me, I pretty much can't. I bite my tounge and try to hold back the tears. Its so hard.

I even had a meltdown at work yesterday. A coworker who was just trying to talk to make sure I was doing ok got me in tears. I had to walk away for a bit. He's been through something similar and truly was just trying to help. But I couldn't take it. I just wanted to scream. I hate crying in front of people. I dont like to feel victimized.

To top it off, the night before I had a dream that I was being told that I was dead inside. So it didn't start my day off right at all.

Am I really dead inside?

The old me is.... I will never be the same. I know this. I have to live with this.

Anyways, to that child hood friend of mine, she is a god send. It really does help to talk to her about things. Thank you Lauren. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

today....

2009-03-04T08:54:00.005-06:00

I feel like throwing up. It's not looking like it's going to be an easy day today. I just want to crawl into a dark hole. I wish I was with Joe back at home. I now long for it to be 4:00.

It's only 9:00.

daydreaming....

2009-02-26T07:47:00.003-06:00

I keep on daydreaming of my little girl. It's hard. I keep thinking about the first time I held her. As I laid there everyone around me sobbing, I couldn't even let out a tear. I was in awe with her presence, with her beauty. I couldn't help but smile at her knowing that she was ok, knowing that she was in a far better place. Now I can't help but cry. I miss her. I wish I can hold her again. I know one day I'll be able too. I just have to have patience.

love....

2009-02-21T18:57:00.000-06:00

Love is a funny feeling. I have never felt more in love than i do now. I love Joe. I truley feel he is my soulmate. He's everything I always wanted and forever will. He's amazing. I feel like the luckiest person on this earth because I found him. He also gave me my daughter which forever I will always be greatful. I love you baby. I love you Mila.

due....

2009-02-19T09:17:00.002-06:00

Today should have been MJ's due date however I choose not to associate this day with her any longer because my precious angel had a far more important day in January. It was the day she was let into the gates of Heaven. I can just picture her with my grandma and grandpa, my aunts and uncles, and our friends that have been taken from this Earth only to be in a far better place. I find comfort in knowing she's ok now. It's strange but I feel her around me sometimes. And I mean really feel her presence. I know Joe feels it too. Whenever we're together we can sense her near us by smell. We just look at each other and know. It's amazing. She's amazing.

She will always be amazing as she soars through the beautiful sky.

it aches....

2009-02-17T07:44:00.002-06:00

It hurts and will always continue to hurt. What if....
It's all about the what ifs.

Damn assholes!!!!

photos is all i have left....

2009-02-16T07:39:00.004-06:00

Last night Joe and I saw the pictures our amazing nurse took of our beautiful daughter Mila. She looked so peaceful. She truly looked like an Angel. I love that we have those pictures of her. It was hard to see them at first but I'm glad we did. She looked just like her daddy.

I miss her.

typical night....

2009-02-11T21:13:00.001-06:00

It's Wednesday night, chillin at the apartment. D-train just got PS3 so I'm watching him play GTA4 while Joe reads/yells out fuckin codes about cell phones and god knows what while quoting anything and everything, all while drinking some Modelos and laughing my ass off at them. It's a good night. I love them.

back to the routine....

2009-02-11T16:06:00.002-06:00

It was my first day back at work today. Not to bad. Going back to the same old routine is kind of what I needed. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. I cried all the way there and all the way home. I try to act as if nothing bothers me around others. I rather not make anyone else feel akward. It drowns me when I'm alone though. I accept everything that has happened however that doesn't mean I still don't find it believable. I wish there was a time machine invented. I would go back in time and maybe find some things out sooner. It's only a wish, a wish that no one will ever grant me. The only reason I am moving foward is because of all the people that I love, and that I know love me. If it wasn't for God, Joe, my family & friends, and MJ who I know is watching over me, I don't know what I would have done. I honestly think I would have self destruct a while ago. It's good to know I'm not alone. As lonely as I feel sometimes, I know I'm not. Love is a great feeling. It's what helps heal open wounds that unfortunately will never close.

Mila I love and miss you with all my heart. I will forever be the proudest mother of such a beautiful babygirl.

undefinable emotions....

2009-02-10T23:29:00.000-06:00

I have never in my life felt as much anger as I feel right now . I'm not even sure it's anger that I'm feeling, its undescribable I guess. I received news about my daughter today. It's because of someones carelessness that those close to me suffer. It's because of them my heart aches. Damn them!

cruising along....

2009-02-10T10:46:00.002-06:00

I drove by myself today for the first time in weeks. I got in my car and felt sadness right away. It was the first time I've been alone in there in months. I started thinking about MJ and of every car ride I had with her, singing to her hoping that she would here mommy's voice. She would always start kicking or moving around. I have a feeling she loved music as much as her mommy and daddy do. I still remember that perfect night Joe placed his Ipod on my belly and she started moving around as soon as we started listening to classic rock (daddys favorite) We fell asleep happy as can be and it was one of the best nights of my life.

I felt some closure today as I drove with my windows down on this beautiful sunny day with the wind blowing in my hair. I felt her near me. I know my babygirl can still hear me where ever I go. I know she's listening! I love my daughter and always will. The best part of me was in her and will always be. I love you babygirl. As I move on with my life, I know she will always be apart of it. She can't ever not be. She was and continues to be my love, life, and happiness. I'm greatful I had the time I had with her even if it was cut drastically short. I know there was a reason for it even if right now I don't understand why. I just hope one day I'll know the answer to that question.

breakdown....

2009-02-07T11:01:00.001-06:00

I broke down last night. I let my guard down. A big cloud of guilt came over me. I know Im suppose to be moving on with my life but its too soon. As soon as I start having a little bit of a good time, I feel horrible. I miss my MJ. Im lucky I still have Joey. He truly is the one person that could understand me. Im grateful for him. I love Him.

When does it stop hurting so bad?

and i open with this....

2009-02-06T15:43:00.003-06:00

Time (Mason, Waters, Wright, Gilmour) 7:06

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.