daydreaming....

I keep on daydreaming of my little girl. It's hard. I keep thinking about the first time I held her. As I laid there everyone around me sobbing, I couldn't even let out a tear. I was in awe with her presence, with her beauty. I couldn't help but smile at her knowing that she was ok, knowing that she was in a far better place. Now I can't help but cry. I miss her. I wish I can hold her again. I know one day I'll be able too. I just have to have patience.

love....

Love is a funny feeling. I have never felt more in love than i do now. I love Joe. I truley feel he is my soulmate. He's everything I always wanted and forever will. He's amazing. I feel like the luckiest person on this earth because I found him. He also gave me my daughter which forever I will always be greatful. I love you baby. I love you Mila.

due....

Today should have been MJ's due date however I choose not to associate this day with her any longer because my precious angel had a far more important day in January. It was the day she was let into the gates of Heaven. I can just picture her with my grandma and grandpa, my aunts and uncles, and our friends that have been taken from this Earth only to be in a far better place. I find comfort in knowing she's ok now. It's strange but I feel her around me sometimes. And I mean really feel her presence. I know Joe feels it too. Whenever we're together we can sense her near us by smell. We just look at each other and know. It's amazing. She's amazing.

She will always be amazing as she soars through the beautiful sky.

it aches....

It hurts and will always continue to hurt. What if....
It's all about the what ifs.

Damn assholes!!!!

photos is all i have left....

Last night Joe and I saw the pictures our amazing nurse took of our beautiful daughter Mila. She looked so peaceful. She truly looked like an Angel. I love that we have those pictures of her. It was hard to see them at first but I'm glad we did. She looked just like her daddy.

I miss her.

typical night....

It's Wednesday night, chillin at the apartment. D-train just got PS3 so I'm watching him play GTA4 while Joe reads/yells out fuckin codes about cell phones and god knows what while quoting anything and everything, all while drinking some Modelos and laughing my ass off at them. It's a good night. I love them.

back to the routine....

It was my first day back at work today. Not to bad. Going back to the same old routine is kind of what I needed. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. I cried all the way there and all the way home. I try to act as if nothing bothers me around others. I rather not make anyone else feel akward. It drowns me when I'm alone though. I accept everything that has happened however that doesn't mean I still don't find it believable. I wish there was a time machine invented. I would go back in time and maybe find some things out sooner. It's only a wish, a wish that no one will ever grant me. The only reason I am moving foward is because of all the people that I love, and that I know love me. If it wasn't for God, Joe, my family & friends, and MJ who I know is watching over me, I don't know what I would have done. I honestly think I would have self destruct a while ago. It's good to know I'm not alone. As lonely as I feel sometimes, I know I'm not. Love is a great feeling. It's what helps heal open wounds that unfortunately will never close.

Mila I love and miss you with all my heart. I will forever be the proudest mother of such a beautiful babygirl.

undefinable emotions....

I have never in my life felt as much anger as I feel right now . I'm not even sure it's anger that I'm feeling, its undescribable I guess. I received news about my daughter today. It's because of someones carelessness that those close to me suffer. It's because of them my heart aches. Damn them!

cruising along....

I drove by myself today for the first time in weeks. I got in my car and felt sadness right away. It was the first time I've been alone in there in months. I started thinking about MJ and of every car ride I had with her, singing to her hoping that she would here mommy's voice. She would always start kicking or moving around. I have a feeling she loved music as much as her mommy and daddy do. I still remember that perfect night Joe placed his Ipod on my belly and she started moving around as soon as we started listening to classic rock (daddys favorite) We fell asleep happy as can be and it was one of the best nights of my life.

I felt some closure today as I drove with my windows down on this beautiful sunny day with the wind blowing in my hair. I felt her near me. I know my babygirl can still hear me where ever I go. I know she's listening! I love my daughter and always will. The best part of me was in her and will always be. I love you babygirl. As I move on with my life, I know she will always be apart of it. She can't ever not be. She was and continues to be my love, life, and happiness. I'm greatful I had the time I had with her even if it was cut drastically short. I know there was a reason for it even if right now I don't understand why. I just hope one day I'll know the answer to that question.

breakdown....

I broke down last night. I let my guard down. A big cloud of guilt came over me. I know Im suppose to be moving on with my life but its too soon. As soon as I start having a little bit of a good time, I feel horrible. I miss my MJ. Im lucky I still have Joey. He truly is the one person that could understand me. Im grateful for him. I love Him.

When does it stop hurting so bad?

and i open with this....

Time (Mason, Waters, Wright, Gilmour) 7:06

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.