What do you do when a person you haven't seen since high school starts asking you about your life and how many kids you have?
My answer is simple, I have a daughter who I love and miss with all of my heart. I acknowledge my daughter. I'm sorry if this makes it awkward for others but I will never say I don't have one. I don't do this so people can feel sorry for my family. I don't say this to get attention. I say it because it's the truth. I love my babygirl and she's real. And no matter how simple I respond to that question without a tear in my eye, I feel it. I feel like crying but I don't. I may say it like it's not a big deal but it is. I just don't let my feeling out with strangers.
I've only once ignored someone who asked me how my daughter was and I felt like punching her in the face. I know it's not her fault and I know she didn't mean harm by it. I guess I just don't like her. I also had a severe case of drunkness so that could have been it too. I felt so horrible after that. I couldn't believe I couldn't answer her. Never again.
I have a daughter. Her name is Mila Jolie Cervantes and she flies with the angels all day long. I love her and miss her always. She's always on my mind and in my heart!
I had a dream last night. It was about a baby boy. I'm not sure if he was mine or not but it sure seemed like it. Anyway he was under a year old but for some reason he was able to talk. Well actually all he can do is count. He was counting in spanish all the way past 20. It was really weird. Then I took him by his hands and walked around with him in a spiral. It was a nice dream. Much better than I've had lately.
Yesterday we went to see Mila's headstone. It was finished. On the way there I saw a beautiful white bird flying above us. I couldn't stop starring at it. Well we got there, we saw it and I cried. It was beautiful for what it was. It killed me to see my daughter's name on it. But at the same time she deserves recognition so I can't wait until it's installed. I've gone to the cemetary a couple of times already and have wept over graves that weren't Mila. I wept alot especially because I couldn't find her and I did'nt know which one she was. Well yesterday we finally found exactly which one it was thanks to my lovely sis who asked where it was a couple of days ago. We went there after we saw the headstone. Her grave was decorated so pretty, again thanks to my sis. We put more things around like these beautiful flowers Joe and I picked out and signs that his mom bought. We sat there and cried not really saying anything. Joe just held me and I held him. It was a beautiful sunny day yesterday and I didn't want to leave. But we did. We'll be back once the headstone is in place. I can't wait.
I feel somewhat at peace when I'm near her. I know she's with me always, but there is something about that place. Something so comforting I guess. It's just really beautiful and colorful there. Nothing like I usually see cemetaries to be. There's flowers everywhere and sign and balloons galore. There are always people there when I go too so it's nice to know I'm not alone.
Meaning : Whimsical , Fanciful , Capriciousness, Fascination,
Destination Carnations were known as "Jove's Flower" in ancient Rome as a tribute to one to their beloved gods. In Korea, a young girl places three carnations in her hair to tell her fortune. If the top flower dies first, her last years of life will be difficult; if it's the middle flower, her earlier years will bring the most grief. Worst of all, if the bottom flower dies first, the poor girl will be miserable the whole life! For the most part, carnations express love, fascination, and distinction. Light red carnations represent admiration, while dark red denote deep love and affection. White carnations indicate pure love and geed luck; striped symbolize a regret that a love cannot be shared. Green carnations are for St. Patrick's Day; purple carnations indicate capriciousness. Pink carnations have the most symbolic and historical significance. According to Christian legend, carnations first appeared on Earth as Jesus carried the Cross. The Virgin Mary shed tears at Jesus' plight, and carnations sprang up from where her tears fell. Thus the pink carnation became the symbol of amother's undying love, and in 1907 was chosen by Ann Jarvis as the emblem of Mother's Day, now observed in the United States and Canadaon the second Sunday in May.
Well it was a sad goodbye to our apartment. We kicked our asses moving and at least its finally over. I'm so sore that I can barely walk. Saturday we moved pretty much everything. We didn't finish until about 10. It was a fucked up day. Meaning we are pretty much got shit faced and moved. Then Sunday came and we cleaned soooo much, I can still smell every single chemical we used to make that place look like new. And it did.
I'm gonig to miss that place so much. But I'm glad in a way that we put it behind us. That part of our life is over. Now we have one more moving day to go. Hopefully it will be our last for a while. Then I can finally set up my wall for Mila. Can't freakin wait.
In the meantime, I'm going to try to recover!
So long Wood Dale
Bye bye to our pretty view where I would sit just looking at the pond and the sky thinking of my babygirl. I will miss it....