Saturday, August 29, 2009

Hush Now....

The ignorance of some people is astonishing. It comes in many different ways, shapes, and forms. How can people not control what they say at times? How can they sit there and judge your way of being so comfortably? How can they not see each and every person is an individual, unique if you will? How can they not see it's rude, hurtful, insensitive?

News flash, I am me! I do what I feel is what I need to do. I do what I want. I live the way I live because I love life this way. Decisions I make are because I feel they should be made.

Bottom line, I like what I like because I fucking LIKE IT! Enough said. No explanation needed. Why is that so hard to understand? I don't get it one bit. Please someone tell me why people need to give their rude two cents in when it's not needed? Does it make them feel good to try to embarrass others with their tactics? Or I get it , it's the they have a low self esteem so you have to pick on people to raise it.

I'm sick of it! I'm tired of just taking shit like that. The next time I get shit like this, I will explode and make someone feel as shitty as they make me feel. Not what I like to do at all but oh well. I don't care if it wasn't "intended" and I understand you can't teach old dogs new tricks, but you can smack the shit out of them.

So when I say something that I do in my life that you don't because it's not your style, don't state your opinion. I did not ask for it. When I want it you will know. Until then, keep your insensitive jerk comments to yourself. So what if you don't like my style? You can suck it. You're either in my life because you want to be or have to be. I know how it goes. That still doesn't give you the right to say asshole things to me and get away with it. Not anymore.

So warning, the next time this happens and I'm a bitch just know, no it's not my pregnancy hormones in anyway, it's me and my true feelings. I'm done being pushed around like that. It's ridiculous I go out of my way to be polite, not to hurt other peoples precious feelings, but mine get stomped away? I've had enough. It finishes right here!

This is in no way intended to be directed at a single individual for I get this a lot because I'm not the "typical young lady" I should be.

Just Hush Now....

Friday, August 28, 2009

13 Weeks....

Last day of week 13! Yay!!!! Time is not slowing down one bit. That's ok. I'm enjoying every bit of it. I have my bad days. I think I'm allowed to and it's healthier than keeping my emotions bottled up. I'm not one to just spill my feelings to make others feel awkward face to face. That's why I write here. Those who care to read can. And those who choose not to, that's ok too. I know I've contradicted myself before by saying I don't like to let my feelings out with strangers. Obviously this blog is open to all types of strangers, but I feel that if this can help some one else in any way by letting them into my process of healing, then it's well worth letting strangers into my life. That and those who know me but are scared of asking how I am or just want to know that I'm ok, well here you go. Here's a glimpse of how I'm doing and that I will be ok. Anyway....

I can't wait to feel my lil babe actually kick me hard enough so that daddy can feel. I know he can't wait either. That won't be for another couple of weeks though. I'm sure it'll go by fast. I'm feeling better. I have more energy. I'm definitely less crabby. That's always a good thing.

My mind is playing tricks on me. I dreamt of a baby girl twice now. Now I'm not to sure what to think we're having. I really really really hope we find out at our next ultrasound. It'll be a wonderful surprise either way. Things are going pretty well this week. Thanks to my loving fiance, this beautiful miracle growing inside of me, and my Mila who I know is with us always. I love my little family of 4....

According to

There is a milky membrane that surrounds your baby. It is pierced by the umbilical cord and is made up of two layers, which are fused together. Your placenta provides most of the nutrients and oxygen that your baby needs. By this week, the placenta is well formed and ready to take over hormone manufacture from your ovaries. The placenta will produce progesterone and estriol. These hormones will be crucial in the maintenance of your pregnancy. Tissue that will form your baby's bones is being laid down, especially around the head and limbs. The nose and chin are becoming more prominent. Your baby's eyelids meet and fuse together and they will not open again for nearly four months. The eyes started out on the side of your baby's head and they are now moving closer together on the face. The ears come to lie in their normal position on the sides of the head. If examined outside of the womb, you will be able to distinguish male from female at this time. The sockets for all twenty teeth are formed in the gums, and vocal cords are beginning to form.

~Tomorrow we start week 14
Second trimester here we come!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

doc appt....

I went to a doc appointment yesterday. It went freakin fantastic! I gained a pound so they were happy about that. I had a med student come in first and she seemed much more confident than the last. The first one I had was so soft spoken and nervous. She was really nice though as was this one. The one from yesterday was a talker. She was making me laugh the whole time. Anyway, everything looks normal. She found the baby's heartbeat right away! I love hearing that beautiful sound. It was at 155. Very normal which is what I love to hear. Then the real doc came in and talked to me for a bit. I had to reschedule the level II ultrasound so now it's on for the 25th of September. Booo, now I have to wait an extra week to find out what this lil babe is. That's ok. I think it's better that it got rescheduled. A week does make a difference in the baby's growth. I can't wait. It'll be here before I know.

I also went to visit my Mila yesterday. It was such a beautiful day. I was for the first time alone in that section. It felt kind of nice. I felt as if all of the babies there were flying over me. Then I spotted two fresh graves. I started to cry. I pray for those families to find hope. To find peace. To know that their babies will be ok.

I changed Mila's flowers and just sat there listening to music. So peaceful. For every tear that rolled down my cheek, a breeze came in and dried it away.

It was a beautiful day

Monday, August 24, 2009

I'm engaged....

I'm engaged to the most loving, caring, most beautiful man in the world. I couldn't be happier. It was a beautiful proposal. I was so surprised and impressed. And this beautiful ring that he picked out on his own is perfect. He knows me so well. I'm excited for our future together. I love him with every inch of my soul. I can't wait until the day we walk down the isle as husband and wife! He's my everything!

12 Weeks....

Well it was hell of a week. Of course I've written about mostly what happened so I won't bore with repeating it. I can't believe I'm done with the first trimester! It's going so fast and I'm glad it is. I can't wait to meet this lil babe! 6 more months to go....

According to

Your baby's crown-to-rump length is almost 2.5 inches and she now weighs between 8 and 14 grams! In just three weeks, your baby's size has more than doubled and begins to look a lot more human. Even though you won't be able to feel your baby moving at this time, you can stimulate him and he will squint, open his mouth and move his fingers or toes.

Because most of the structures are already formed at this point, few will be formed after this time. The structures will continue to grow and develop throughout the remainder of your pregnancy. Your baby's skeletal system now has centers if bone formation in most of the bones. The digestive system is capable of making contractions that push food through the bowels and it is also able to absorb sugar. The pituitary gland beginning to make hormones. You will probably be able to hear your baby's heartbeat with a Doppler at this time!

Your baby develops reflexes and the skin is very sensitive. The brain is fully formed, and the child can feel pain. the baby may even suck his thumb. The eyelids now cover the eyes, and will remain shut until the seventh month to protect the delicate optical nerve fibers.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I wish....

So here I am in the middle of week 12. I've been quite sensitive this week. That pretty much explains my earlier blog. I do love my family. They mean everything to me. I've just taken comments made on a more serious level than they are meant. I should know better.

My emotions have been on a rollercoster ride. They are only at a stand still when I'm with Joe. Oh how I love being anywhere near him. He's my rock. I usually let out a river of tears on my way home from work when I'm by myself. I start thinking about lots of things. It's a tornado of thoughts up there causing a storm of sad tears, angry tears, joyful tears, and terrified tears.

I wish things were different. I wish I would wake up from the terrible nightmare it is to lose a child. I wish I didn't know what it felt like. I wish my Mila was here with me. I hate knowing that our family will never be complete with her not here on this earth. But I know she safe and sound in Heaven watching over the three of us. I pray that she's watching over her little brother or sister. I wish I could look into the future and know that this lil babe will make it home with us. I wish not to get Choleastasis again. Oh how I hate statistics. There's a 72% chance of getting it again. It keeps me up at night. I hate hate statistics. I wish I would have been taken seriously when I spoke about my symptoms. I wish I wasn't so naive to place my entire trust on those doctors. Assholes! I have to learn to forgive them but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I'm still in a whirlwind of sadness and anger with them to do so. They are at the top of my shitlist. Actually they are the only ones on it. I wish I would never see the pain in Joe's eyes when I look deep into them. I wish I could take it all away from him. He's one of the strongest people I know. I wish he didn't have to go through this. But in a selfish way I'm glad that I'm not alone. I've said it before, I would have self destruct long ago. I wish that all mother's in the entire world didn't have to know what it feels like to have to bury their own child.

I could only wish....

Monday, August 17, 2009

not so great....

I had a not so great weekend. I haven't been feeling well emotionally or physically. A lot of things have been taking a toll on me. I've been having this real uneasy feeling in me that I can't shake off. Like I'm losing my breath. I've also been naucious for the most part.

I've been feeling like I'm being pushed to the side. The way my family treats me sometimes I swear! It's not at all like they treat me horribly, but they do things or say things that are really hurtful sometimes and don't realize it. Ugh

Friday, August 14, 2009

11 Weeks....

So this is the end to week 11. It was a long week. I slept a whole lot again! I got to see my baby which was such a treat. I also started thinking a lot about my attitude or should I say frustration toward people (pregnancy mood swings i guess.) Overall I'd say it was a decent week. I'm having trouble finishing my dinners though. I get naucious half way through anything I eat. I'm really forcing it down to gain that weight the doc wants me to gain. I didn't feel like this with Mila which again is leading me to believe I'm having a boy. I actually dreamt again that I had a little boy last night. I will be surprised if I'm having a little girl. I guess we'll have to wait 5 more weeks to find out! Hopefully!

I've been getting frustrated with some people lately. I plan to change that. I just simply wont let them bother me! Easier said than done but it has to be done for mine and my baby's sake. I'm going to think positive! Anything annoying said to me or stupid, I'll just brush it off. I promise myself I won't talk bad about anybody. If i have something to say about them, I'll say it to their face as politely as possible. I'll try this the best I can. We'll see how this week goes. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Today we go for another ultrasound so I get to see this lil babe once again. I'll post ultrasound pics as soon as I hook up my scanner, if I can find the cords for it. I'll just have to get my lazy ass up to do it. ugh!

According to

Your baby continues to grow and is now approximately the size of a large lime! The crown-to-rump length of your developing child is 1.75 to 2.4 inches. The weight of the fetus is approximately 8 grams at this point. The growth of your baby is phenomenal now and your baby's length will double in the next three weeks. The head is grossly out of proportion and is almost half of the baby's length.

This is the last week of the embryonic period. From now on, your baby will be called a fetus. Your baby's fingernails appear this week! External genitalia are beginning to show distinguishing features and the development of male or female will be complete in three weeks. The
placenta's blood vessels increase to provide your baby with the nutrients and oxygen he needs for continued growth. Your baby's ears are gradually moving from the neck towards the sides of his head. Inside of your baby's abdomen, the intestines are developing. Because the intestines are so large, some of them project into the umbilical cord and they will return to the abdomen within the next week or two.

At the size of a plumb, your baby is now able to swallow. The urinary system functions. The baby swallows and urinates the amniotic fluid and the fluid is continually replaced. The baby is kicking but the mother cannot feel it yet. All vital organs are formed and, for the most part, function normally. From now on, they will grow in size and efficiency. As a preparation for
breastfeeding, your baby now has learned to swallow. Babies swallow amniotic fluid in the uterus.

~Tomorrow is the start of week 12

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

then the baby looked at me....

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Hahaha, love Ralph. I can watch him for days. Anyways, I thought I'd jot down what happened at my appointment yesterday. Well I was suppose to see the lady doc, I forget her name.... how horrible of me, but to my surprise I saw My wonderful doctor. I'll call him doctor G. I really love him. He said everything looked great but that I had to gain some weight. I've lost three pounds since my first appointment. To my defense though I lost 8 pounds with Mila in my first trimester so I think 3 isn't too bad. And I do eat as much as I could when I could.

He then had me lay on the bed and to my surprise he was going to do an ultrasound so that I could see the baby and so that he can check on my ovarian cyst. It was pretty cool I've never had a surprise ultrasound. It was a little portable one so I didn't get a picture but I don't care. I got to see my lil babe and that's all that matters! And boy was the lil babe active. As much as I hate calling the baby "IT", it was moving it's arms everywhere! All in front of it's lil face and waving at the screen.... I really felt our lil babe was waving at me though =P. So yea the baby looked at ME. Hehehe! It was truly a wonderful sight and my God how they grow so quickly! Just about 3 weeks ago it was just a lil peanut. It truly brings tears of happiness to my eyes.

I then went to the cemetary to share the news with my Mila and to change her flowers. I tried to stay as long as I could but was chased away by bees. I hate bees and the last thing I need is to get stung by one. So I said a quick prayer and left. Shared my news with my fam and went to sleep. Over all it was a good day.

Friday, August 7, 2009

10 weeks....

I wanted to give weekly updates of this pregnancy somewhat like I did with Mila. I regret that I erased all of my blogs from when I was pregnant with her. It was out of my control when I did that. I wasn't thinking straight. But who would in that situation right? Well I've been so lazy and have been doing pretty much nothing these past couple of weeks. Exhaustion has been kicking my ass. So far this pregnancy has been alot similar to Mila's. However, at the same time they are completely different. It's a completely different lil person inside of me. My second child! And for that, I am so greatful that God has blessed us once again. I feel lucky to know that we really don't have a problem getting pregnant. Once again this was a complete surprise. But one of the best I've ever had. We knew we wanted to have more kids but didn't think it would happen so soon.

So far in this tenth week everything has been going great. My ovary has been bothering me from time to time but no pain, so that's good news. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face just thinking that a lil baby is growing in my womb. It's an incredible feeling. I think it's safe to say that my mood swings have been in control for the most part. At least this week they have. It could be due to the fact that I've been sleeping all day long, all week long! I swear that I've felt this lil miracle move. I just know that I felt something swimming around in there. I know it wasn't just gas lol! Anyway, I pray for a healthy 6-7 months. I want to be able to take this lil babe home. But for now I'll be as patient as possible and as calm as possible. I've been trying to contain the amount of nervousness that I'm feeling. There's no need to stress the lil babe out so I try thinking about good thoughts. I'm aware of what could happen, but I won't let that ruin this pregnancy! This blessing!

And one more thing, as I know I keep babbling on, I've been really bothered by some people lately with the way they are acting as if this pregnancy is a "do-over." It really hurts my feelings when they don't acknowledge Mila. She was a real person and will continue to be for the rest of my life. Mila was my first child and will always be my first daughter. This little babe is my second. I just wanted to make that clear! I know most people just don't know how to act in these situations but if you're going to be in my life or comment about something in my life like my babies, then learn to be more considerate. These are two different pregnancies, two different souls!

Two different hearts that I love to pieces!

According to
At this point of your pregnancy, the crown-to-rump length of your developing baby is 1.25 to 1.68 inches. It is now easier to tell how much the baby weighs since he is beginning to put on some weight. Your baby weighs approximately 5 grams and is the size of a small plum! The baby has grown an incredible amount during these past few weeks, but you still aren't showing too much yet.
This week is somewhat of a landmark for your developing baby. By now, your baby's complete body plan is laid down. Your baby will continue to develop and grow for the remainder of the pregnancy. The fingers and toes have separated and the tail has disappeared now. Your baby has taste and tooth buds at this point, which will continue to develop. The brain will continue to grow at an amazing rate and nearly a quarter of a million new neurons are produced every minute! The embryonic heart is completely developed. External genitalia are not apparent until next week, but a male's testes will already be producing testosterone.

~Tomorrow is the Start of week 11