Wednesday, April 29, 2009

one down....

One down, two more to go. Moving out of Bolingbrook wasn't so bad. Seeing all the shit I had made me want to throw everything away and start new. Well everything but my memories. I want less crap to worry about. Usually I go through everything I own about once a season and end up throwing out bags of garbage. For some reason I feel the need to collect pieces of paper, that's mostly what I throw out. I actually found homework from high school the other day. Ugh, I hate clutter!

Well a so long to that room that I spent alot of my time with Mila. I'll miss it and I'll often think about it. Two more moving days to go.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

moving day #1....

So it's moving day #1. I have to move my things out of my Bolingbrook house. Can't believe it's almost May. Time is flyin, and there is no stopping it. Sometimes I'm glad it's going this fast, other times I feel like I need time to freeze. There's no way to conrol it either way. I need to slow down, take a breath in, and relax.

Friday, April 24, 2009

carly marie....

Carly Marie is a wonderful woman from Australia. I came across her blog a little bit after I stared mine. I was just looking through people with the same interests as me and bam, I got hooked on her blog. She truly is amazing. She lost her baby boy about two years ago and reading everything she's been through helped me to try to get through the pain of losing Mila. She started a memorial page for anyone who has lost a child and she writes their names in the sand at a beach by her house. She named it Christian's Sea Shore after her son. And its so beautiful. She wrote Mila's name yesterday. It came out great. I absolutely love it. Thank you Carly. It's the best gift anyone could have given me.

That's where you can find Mila's post on her blog.

Here's a link to her blog


April = everyone's damn birthdays!! It's a great month! I'm so broke. Just this week alone I had my mom's, Mary's, and my Love's bday in a row. and there are still more to come. April is not over at all. They have all been great so far. Especially having had my wish come true, thanks babygirl. I've been all over the place this month. I just need to stop and breathe for a second. Me and Joe are closer and closer to getting our lil love shack. I can't wait. It's going to be perfect, I hope. Next week we're going to go get Mila's headstone. Not the best thing to go shopping for but I want my babygirl to have the best. I miss her so much, and only wish that she could be here with all of us. I know she's around though. I just feel it. It's a warm comforting feeling. Thinking of her keeps me sane. She makes me think so much more about life and the beauty it is. She clearly turned my life around and I love her for that. I love her with every inch of my body. And she knows that. I talk to her everyday to let her know. There isn't a moment that passes by that I don't think about her. She the light at the end of my dark tunnel. Oh how mommy misses her little girl! I'll see you again one day babygirl.

On Saturday I saw Mary. We talked outside the bar for a while about our lil angels. We talked mostly about how we just have a different outlook on life. And we were happy. Mary's been through one of the most difficult things you can possibly go through in this life, losing a baby. It was good to talk to someone in somewhat the same situation. Not to say that others don't know what it's like to lose your own child, but well in a way they don't and I'm glad that not many people I know have gone through the pain of it. It's just alot easier to talk to someone you can relate to. It sucks so bad that we had to go through this, but it was all apart of a greater reason that we just don't understand right now. And it also sucks how different people treat these types of situations. Like it's not a big deal. I haven't been around too many people like that at all, but I've heard stories of how people just don't think it's a big deal to lose a baby. Shame on them! They make me want to smack them over the head.

Anyways, I love ya Mary.

On Monday was my Mom's birthday. I love my mom! We took her out to eat and had a great time. I only wish I look half as good as she does when I'm her age. She's a beauty.

Wednesday was Joey's Birthday. It was by far one of the best. We went to the bar, got hammed, and then went home and had some more fun. Joe was making me and D laugh so hard that I think I now have a six pack underneath my fat. I haven't laughed like that in a long long time. I love him. He's hilarious. The next day we couldn't remember what triggered it. But whatever, it was funny. I love my hubby! and now that he is 23, he can stop calling me a cougar and a pedophile. (I'm 12 days older than him, and for those 12 days, every year he makes fun of me for dating a younger man.) It never fails. Hahaha I love him.

And then of course last weekend we went to the bar to celebrate Joe's, becky's and my birthdays. It was an awesome night. I love our family and friends! They are the best. So anyway, happy birthday to us!!!!

Monday, April 13, 2009

stars in the sky....

This past weekend was my birthday weekend. It was amazing. I spent it with my love and my family. It pretty much started Thursday and didn't end until yesterday. My birthday was on Friday. It was nearly perfect. On Saturday while I was at my parents house, I wished that Mila would give me some sort of sign, just something to let me know she was there. I stepped outside, lit a cigarette, and played the song that reminds us of our little girl. I looked up at the sky and just stared at all the stars up above. All of a sudden one just started sparkling. It didn't stop. It made me so happy. My birthday wish came true!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

my new years eve....

Well this is my last day being a 22 year old, a year that I will never forget. So many things happened and so many things that will never be forgotten. And most importantly almost my entire 22nd year was dedicated to my babygirl Mila. Oh what year it has been. I now prepare myself for 23, my year of hope.

Friday, April 3, 2009


I had this beautiful dream the other day. I remembered it yesterday while I was driving as the sun was setting. The only thing I can really remember is chasing a rainbow as the sun was setting. The colors were so vivid. They were staring down at me. It looked amazing. Like I could almost touch the rainbow if I reached a little further.

It just reminded me about my rainbow baby and how I long for one. It's ok, I have patience. I can wait as long as it takes. I really loved that dream. It's one of the best that I've had in a while. I hope I dream of it again.

I wonder if that's what it looks like all the time where Mila is at. Maybe she's on the other side staring at the same sky we all look at. Maybe she drew the rainbow for me. Oh the mysteries of this beautiful earth.

Mommy loves you Mila =)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

sunny day....

I feel good today. I don't know why, but I do. It's a beautiful day today. Maybe that's why. Life is full of beauty.