rainy day....

I was around two babies this weekend. It was hard for me to be around them. I didn't think it would bother me too much, but it did. I was avoiding any situations like that because of fear of my reaction. I honestly don't think I can hold one that's not my own. I don't want it to bother me anymore, but it does. I tried to be around one of them but I just said hi to the lil guy I just darted straight into my room and just laid there in the dark. The lights were on, but it wasn't light enough for me not to feel in the dark. I feel like screaming sometimes. I feel like locking myself in a room and just letting loose. I lose sense of reality at times. I space out and forget where I am in this world. I feel so unattached from the Earth.

It's just mind trickery.

I have my bad days, and I have my good days. Looks like today is a bad one again.

Everything makes me cry now. I wasn't like this before everything happened. But now it's just uncontrolable. The only thing that used to get me to cry on cue was watching buffy die on the show, haha. I forever get made fun of for that. I wish that was the only thing that made me cry. And now the only time I feel at all comfortable is when I'm with Joe or my family. I feel like I can't go anywhere without him. I only feel at peace when I'm with him. He makes everything just that much better. I feel that I'm clinging on to him to much sometimes, you know like that annoying girlfriend. But I can't help it. I'm a mess when I'm not around him.

I hate this, what's happening to me?

I always thought of myself as a strong woman. But lately I've felt like the weakest one around. Like if anything touches me the wrong way, I would collapse. I'm feeling less and less independent. I fear I'm losing myself.

But I still have my faith in God and my Mila.... and that I will never lose.
That's what's getting me by.

strongest of feelings....

I love my Mila! She's always near by. ALWAYS!

anniversary....

Yesterday was our four year anniversary. I can't believe how long it's been. It's been an amazing journey through life with him so far. We've had some rough roads we had to overcome. We went through hell and back. But nevertheless it's all been worth it. I love him more and more every day.

I remember when we first started dating. It all started out so innocent. We would always hang out at the Camacho's just bullshit around. I had such a crush on him. Then we started hanging out on our own. The night he asked me out was the best night ever. It was like 3 in the morning, we were watching Roseanne in my room and we just started talking. Ha, i tried stealing his wallet and he kissed me. It was perfect. And from that day on, I knew he was it. It's hard to believe with us just being kids and all but I truly felt it at that moment.

Who would have thought that we would be where we are today. After everything we've gone through I'm so glad we are as close as ever. He's my best friend. He treats me better than anyone has ever treated me. I wake up every morning with a kiss from him. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday even if I'm at my worst. He listens to me about my day. He cooks for me. He tells me he loves me a million times a day. And when we go to bed he cuddles with me and fills me with kisses until we're sound asleep. What more can I ask for?

I love you with all of my heart and soul Joseph David Cervantes! You're my world baby.

and i love him....

Joe is the love of my life!!!!

visiting day....

Yesterday was the first time I stepped foot in a cemetary since we laid Mila down to rest. It was extremely hard. We first went to Pat's place. It was his four year anniversary. I can't believe how long it's been. As we stood there I just kept thinking about the last time I saw him. It was only about a week or two before he passed. I remembered it clearly. We were at elite. And I just kept thinking about my childhood and how he was a huge part of it along with Lizzy. I miss those days. The days without a care in the world. Climbing trees, playing kidnappers, just hanging out being kids. I loved those days. I love them. And now, I can't believe it's been so long ago. I hate that we all split our different ways. I wish it would have been different. I did a prayer for him and then left.

Mila was buried in the same cemetary. We went looking for her. She was buried with all the babies and kids that lost their lives. There's a big Angel statue looking over them. It's beautiful. We drove all around the cemetary looking for it. The day she was buried I couldn't even focus on where she was. I didn't want to believe it was happening. The crowd of people there was just a blur. And there were so many people there. I couldn't believe it. Joe and I felt loved but I hate that day. Everytime I think of it, I feel like throwing up. Picturing Joe carry our daughter to her last rest stop makes me sick. I fell to the floor when I saw that. My knee is still fucked up from it. But that's the least of my problems.

I finally spotted the angel and we circled around towards it. I couldn't hold in the tears. They just fell like waterfalls and rolled off my cheek. Section P, Lot 23, Block 11, Grave 2, those are her numbers. It kills me. There were two fresh grave sites there.... I didn't know which one was Mila's and I started to cry. I wanted to scream. I couldn't believe it. We're not allowed to put a headstone there until April. To think about headstones for my daughter is a horrible feeling that I never wish upon anyone to experience. Unfortunately mothers out there in the real world have to. I wish my babygirl could be here with me today. I really wish it could some how happen. I know it can't. I hate that.

I never thought I would go through something like this in my life. I never thought I would have to bury my first daughter. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

I feel this is killing me slowly.

It's not fair for anyone to have to go through this.

I pray for all mothers, fathers, and the rest of the families that have to go through this. I pray that they have the amount of support that was given to me and the love that was shown through all of the people close to me and Joey, and even the love of those that are not. I pray that they see the light at the end of the dark road that lies in front of them. I am searching for that light, and because of my faith in God, I know I will find it. I just have to search long and hard for it.

letters....

Today an old child hood friend of mine wrote to me. She wanted to know how I was doing. She also wanted to know what happened to my Mila. It was the first time I wrote about everything that happened. Every sentence I wrote was like going through it all over again. I was only able to shortly sum it up. I dont think I have the courage to write everything right now. It was hard. I haven't even told too many people about what happened to MJ. They don't ask, so I don't tell. I just think people don't know how to approach it. I don't blame them. I probably wouldn't have known what to tell someone going through my situation without having gone through it already.

There are certain things that have been bothering me about the way people act around me. I know it's not done intentionally but it hurts. For example, having people say how much they miss their kids when they'll see them in a couple of hours. It's hurts so bad that I will never in this life time be able to see my beautiful baby. I will never be able to hold her, to kiss her, to see her eyes or smile. I never even got to see her eyes. But how to tell someone that it bothers me, I pretty much can't. I bite my tounge and try to hold back the tears. Its so hard.

I even had a meltdown at work yesterday. A coworker who was just trying to talk to make sure I was doing ok got me in tears. I had to walk away for a bit. He's been through something similar and truly was just trying to help. But I couldn't take it. I just wanted to scream. I hate crying in front of people. I dont like to feel victimized.

To top it off, the night before I had a dream that I was being told that I was dead inside. So it didn't start my day off right at all.

Am I really dead inside?

The old me is.... I will never be the same. I know this. I have to live with this.

Anyways, to that child hood friend of mine, she is a god send. It really does help to talk to her about things. Thank you Lauren. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

today....

I feel like throwing up. It's not looking like it's going to be an easy day today. I just want to crawl into a dark hole. I wish I was with Joe back at home. I now long for it to be 4:00.

It's only 9:00.