dentist....

I went to the dentist yesterday. They are the nicest people ever. The last time I was there was when I was pregnant with Mila. I had a feeling they were going to ask "how's your baby doing" Sure enough, they did. I told her what happened and she was so sorry. She gave me some encouraging words. God bless her. It's people like her that help me get by. Today marks four months without my Mila. Four months since I've seen her beautiful face. I will never forget the first time I saw her. A true princess. I miss her more and more each and every day.

Mommy loves you babygirl~

I now am starting to think of how I want her memory sketched on my body. The choices are narrowed down to starting a sleeve for her, or across my back above my dragons. Either way it will come out beautiful. Only the best for her!

nightmares....

I had a terrible dream last night. I don't know where it came from or why my imagination led to such horrible thoughts. I was in the house I spent most of my childhood at. I was in the bathroom helping my dad fix the sink and out of no where a different man led me to my bedroom to watch TV. It was urgent that I turn the TV on and watch a show with him. As soon as I turned on the television I became the show. It felt so real. I was however only observing the children around me unable to move.

There were 4 children in total. 3 little girls and 1 boy. They ranged in ages from 1-4. We were in an old dark house. It was rainy outside. They couldn't see me. It's as if I were a ghost. One of the older girls took the one year old girl off of her high chair. She proceeded to play with her, making her laugh, having a great time. Spinning her round and round. All of a sudden the three older kids were surrounding the one year old. Then the girl stabbed the one year old in the back with a butcher knife. I felt the butcher knife go in her as if it were stabbing me. There was blood everywhere. It wouldn't stop. I gasped and screamed and no one could hear me. I tried moving to help the little girl but I was stuck. The other kids just laughed as there faces turned into monsters.... Then they turned slowly in my direction and noticed me.

I woke up, sweating, my heart pounding unbelievably fast. I turned around and held Joe as tight as I could. It was between 3-5 in the morning. I'm not too sure. I eventually fell asleep again. The dream kind of picked up where it left off. However the kids were being taken away and the one year old appeared to be fine. It seems like that was it because the next thing I know, it's 5:30 in the morning and my alarm went off waking me up.

Why would I dream of something so horrible....

the first....

It's over. Mother's Day.... God was it hard. I woke up to a happy mother's day and a kiss on the cheek from my love. I wept. I felt so empty. I went to church and when the father asked all mother's to stand up for a blessing, I became paralyzed. I sat there and tears came rolling down. I couldn't take it. I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. Why couldn't I stand up? I'm a proud mother. But I just couldn't do it. With every text saying Happy Mother's Day, a tear dropped. Thank you to all of those who remembered about me. You won't believe how much it means to me. I was a little bit scared that no one would remember, so thank you! I received the most beautiful flowers from Joe and some more from his family. I'm so grateful to have them in my life. Thank you. From my family I received this beautiful bracelet with my babygirls name on it. I love it. Thank you soo much.

God I miss her. I wish I can hold her. When I came home I couldn't help but run into Joe's arms and cry. I let out a good cry. I was holding it in as long as I could and just couldn't take it. The rest of the night I stayed in his arms. I couldn't let go. I wouldn't let go.

I will never forget my Baby girl. After all, she is the one who made me a mother. I never knew a love so strong in my life before her. It's amazing what she has done to me. I have changed in so many ways. I miss her more and more each day. It's not any easier. I know people may think with time I'll feel better, but the truth is I will always feel empty. I will always be missing her. My pain will never be less than what it is at this moment.

She will always be the one who made us parents, who made us a family....

and that we will always be.

some poetry....

I read this on a forum and thought it was so beautiful and I wanted to share....

~~I closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him say,A Mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice,"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God,I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here. "So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.~~

To all babylost mamas, Stay Strong. I pray for all of you.

Much Love,

Karina

day and night....

I'm moving foward. So rapidly it seems. Tripping along the way. The days and nights come at me in a blur. I forget where I am in reality. I don't know how I got here or why. It's all very confusing to me. Instead of cruising through day by day, I feel as if I am speeding, running out of breath. And then I come to a hault. Something stops me. Or should I say someone. Memories bring me back to reality. Even if it's for a short time. I stop while I let a river flow through my eyes. The smoke lets out with each breath. I let absolutely no one see.

Then, I'm off again. Trying to catch that rainbow. Trying to find that peace. That tranquility. The shit through everyday life that just seems endless. I find myself occupied with whatever I can grasp. Loneliness is not an option. I hate it. Yet I feel it all the time. So i keep running. It's different everyday, yet the same. My heart pounding ridiculously fast, I feel one day it's going to tear and burst out of me. Just waiting on it. The "voice" in a whirlwind of thoughts. They can't be organized. They scream. They're endless. I stare blankly ahead. I'm not the same. I am not me. I am as close to being me only when I'm around him. I will only be me again once I'm with her.

I long to be with him.

I'll forever long to be with her.

I still feel her.

replay....

That night keeps playing in my head. It screams in my ears. It doesn't stop. It never will.

monuments....

Yesterday afternoon Joe and I went to get Mila's headstone. The whole time I was there my stomach was in knots. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. We picked the most beautiful one of all. It was as perfect as it could be considering what we were shopping for. It hurt so bad. The man helping us was nice. Ever notice how a persons voice changes when they're talking to you about certain things? His voice was soft and soothing. It was nice. Comforting. I almost started to cry when he was asking us what was going to be on it. I spelled out her name and said her date. It was hard. I miss my little angel.

Later on in the afternoon I went to see Michelles new place. It was beautiful. I loved it! Monica was there and she gave me my birthday present. I haven't seen her in so long it seemed. I opened a box and the most beautiful pearl bracelet was in there. It had two hearts and engraved on one was Mila on one side and God's Angel on the other. On the second heart was Karina and Joe and mommy and daddy on the other. It's perfect. I wanted to cry it was so beautiful.

I love my family. They're always there for me when I need them. So to my sister Monica, I love you. Thank you so much for the gift. I will cherish it forever.