Today an old child hood friend of mine wrote to me. She wanted to know how I was doing. She also wanted to know what happened to my Mila. It was the first time I wrote about everything that happened. Every sentence I wrote was like going through it all over again. I was only able to shortly sum it up. I dont think I have the courage to write everything right now. It was hard. I haven't even told too many people about what happened to MJ. They don't ask, so I don't tell. I just think people don't know how to approach it. I don't blame them. I probably wouldn't have known what to tell someone going through my situation without having gone through it already.
There are certain things that have been bothering me about the way people act around me. I know it's not done intentionally but it hurts. For example, having people say how much they miss their kids when they'll see them in a couple of hours. It's hurts so bad that I will never in this life time be able to see my beautiful baby. I will never be able to hold her, to kiss her, to see her eyes or smile. I never even got to see her eyes. But how to tell someone that it bothers me, I pretty much can't. I bite my tounge and try to hold back the tears. Its so hard.
I even had a meltdown at work yesterday. A coworker who was just trying to talk to make sure I was doing ok got me in tears. I had to walk away for a bit. He's been through something similar and truly was just trying to help. But I couldn't take it. I just wanted to scream. I hate crying in front of people. I dont like to feel victimized.
To top it off, the night before I had a dream that I was being told that I was dead inside. So it didn't start my day off right at all.
Am I really dead inside?
The old me is.... I will never be the same. I know this. I have to live with this.
Anyways, to that child hood friend of mine, she is a god send. It really does help to talk to her about things. Thank you Lauren. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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