Tuesday, March 31, 2009

rainy day....

I was around two babies this weekend. It was hard for me to be around them. I didn't think it would bother me too much, but it did. I was avoiding any situations like that because of fear of my reaction. I honestly don't think I can hold one that's not my own. I don't want it to bother me anymore, but it does. I tried to be around one of them but I just said hi to the lil guy I just darted straight into my room and just laid there in the dark. The lights were on, but it wasn't light enough for me not to feel in the dark. I feel like screaming sometimes. I feel like locking myself in a room and just letting loose. I lose sense of reality at times. I space out and forget where I am in this world. I feel so unattached from the Earth.

It's just mind trickery.

I have my bad days, and I have my good days. Looks like today is a bad one again.

Everything makes me cry now. I wasn't like this before everything happened. But now it's just uncontrolable. The only thing that used to get me to cry on cue was watching buffy die on the show, haha. I forever get made fun of for that. I wish that was the only thing that made me cry. And now the only time I feel at all comfortable is when I'm with Joe or my family. I feel like I can't go anywhere without him. I only feel at peace when I'm with him. He makes everything just that much better. I feel that I'm clinging on to him to much sometimes, you know like that annoying girlfriend. But I can't help it. I'm a mess when I'm not around him.

I hate this, what's happening to me?

I always thought of myself as a strong woman. But lately I've felt like the weakest one around. Like if anything touches me the wrong way, I would collapse. I'm feeling less and less independent. I fear I'm losing myself.

But I still have my faith in God and my Mila.... and that I will never lose.
That's what's getting me by.

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