visiting day....

Yesterday was the first time I stepped foot in a cemetary since we laid Mila down to rest. It was extremely hard. We first went to Pat's place. It was his four year anniversary. I can't believe how long it's been. As we stood there I just kept thinking about the last time I saw him. It was only about a week or two before he passed. I remembered it clearly. We were at elite. And I just kept thinking about my childhood and how he was a huge part of it along with Lizzy. I miss those days. The days without a care in the world. Climbing trees, playing kidnappers, just hanging out being kids. I loved those days. I love them. And now, I can't believe it's been so long ago. I hate that we all split our different ways. I wish it would have been different. I did a prayer for him and then left.

Mila was buried in the same cemetary. We went looking for her. She was buried with all the babies and kids that lost their lives. There's a big Angel statue looking over them. It's beautiful. We drove all around the cemetary looking for it. The day she was buried I couldn't even focus on where she was. I didn't want to believe it was happening. The crowd of people there was just a blur. And there were so many people there. I couldn't believe it. Joe and I felt loved but I hate that day. Everytime I think of it, I feel like throwing up. Picturing Joe carry our daughter to her last rest stop makes me sick. I fell to the floor when I saw that. My knee is still fucked up from it. But that's the least of my problems.

I finally spotted the angel and we circled around towards it. I couldn't hold in the tears. They just fell like waterfalls and rolled off my cheek. Section P, Lot 23, Block 11, Grave 2, those are her numbers. It kills me. There were two fresh grave sites there.... I didn't know which one was Mila's and I started to cry. I wanted to scream. I couldn't believe it. We're not allowed to put a headstone there until April. To think about headstones for my daughter is a horrible feeling that I never wish upon anyone to experience. Unfortunately mothers out there in the real world have to. I wish my babygirl could be here with me today. I really wish it could some how happen. I know it can't. I hate that.

I never thought I would go through something like this in my life. I never thought I would have to bury my first daughter. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

I feel this is killing me slowly.

It's not fair for anyone to have to go through this.

I pray for all mothers, fathers, and the rest of the families that have to go through this. I pray that they have the amount of support that was given to me and the love that was shown through all of the people close to me and Joey, and even the love of those that are not. I pray that they see the light at the end of the dark road that lies in front of them. I am searching for that light, and because of my faith in God, I know I will find it. I just have to search long and hard for it.