Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I wish....

So here I am in the middle of week 12. I've been quite sensitive this week. That pretty much explains my earlier blog. I do love my family. They mean everything to me. I've just taken comments made on a more serious level than they are meant. I should know better.

My emotions have been on a rollercoster ride. They are only at a stand still when I'm with Joe. Oh how I love being anywhere near him. He's my rock. I usually let out a river of tears on my way home from work when I'm by myself. I start thinking about lots of things. It's a tornado of thoughts up there causing a storm of sad tears, angry tears, joyful tears, and terrified tears.

I wish things were different. I wish I would wake up from the terrible nightmare it is to lose a child. I wish I didn't know what it felt like. I wish my Mila was here with me. I hate knowing that our family will never be complete with her not here on this earth. But I know she safe and sound in Heaven watching over the three of us. I pray that she's watching over her little brother or sister. I wish I could look into the future and know that this lil babe will make it home with us. I wish not to get Choleastasis again. Oh how I hate statistics. There's a 72% chance of getting it again. It keeps me up at night. I hate hate statistics. I wish I would have been taken seriously when I spoke about my symptoms. I wish I wasn't so naive to place my entire trust on those doctors. Assholes! I have to learn to forgive them but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I'm still in a whirlwind of sadness and anger with them to do so. They are at the top of my shitlist. Actually they are the only ones on it. I wish I would never see the pain in Joe's eyes when I look deep into them. I wish I could take it all away from him. He's one of the strongest people I know. I wish he didn't have to go through this. But in a selfish way I'm glad that I'm not alone. I've said it before, I would have self destruct long ago. I wish that all mother's in the entire world didn't have to know what it feels like to have to bury their own child.

I could only wish....

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